Back to the beginning
Harry
“You shouldn’t have held me back,” I snapped at Heath. If I’d been able to register anything but my worry for Verity, I would have felt bad. The poor guy looked completely wrecked.
We were still on the stage with the remaining security team, the rest of whom had hauled that fucking woman away. The party guests were showing signs of slowly dispersing, but we couldn’t find Verity anywhere and I was beginning to feel a little frantic. Images of her on her knees with blood dripping from her face and onto the floor kept flashing through my mind, and of her horror-struck expression when she saw her mother emerge through the crowd.
“I’m sorry,” Heath muttered at the floor. He was sitting down on one of the chairs, bent over with his hands holding the back of his head. Yaz had made it up onto the stage and was standing behind him rubbing his back. He looked up at me then, his bloodshot eyes focusing on mine. “She had to say it, mate.” I shook my head, but he carried on. “She had to get it out. We had to let her say what she needed to say.” His head fell forward again, and his voice dropped, breaking over his words. “You don’t understand. Sheneededto say it. For both of us.”
I threw my hands up in the air in frustration. “That monster is not worth it. Don’t you see that? I’ve been working for weeks to track her down and make sure she’s kept away from both of you. She’s not worth a second of either of your time or mental energy.”
“Well said, darling,” Mum’s voice echoed across the space, and I turned towards her. She was striding up the steps to the stage with a determined look on her face. “But I want to know why ‘your people’ didn’t keep her away tonight.”
“Mum, I’ll talk to you in a minute. I’ve got to find–”
“Because I’m not sure they’re up to the job. So,I’llbe having a word with them. That woman should never have made it into this event.” She was trembling with rage, no doubt unhappy at the disruption to my night – something I couldn’t give less of a fuck about. All I wanted to know was where Verity was.
“Mum, I haven’t got time to–”
“No,” she snapped, “You’re bloody well right you haven’t got time. You need to get out there and find that poor girl.” She pointed at me and then at the door. I opened my mouth to speak but she was on a roll. “How could you have let her leave? She’s hurt and– and…” Mum broke off and pressed her lips together. Now that she was closer, I could see that it looked as though she’d been crying. “She’s out there all on her own.” She looked at Heath and her expression softened. “But you know all about that don’t you, love. Being alone. Not having anyone looking out for you. Having people let you down. It’s been happening to both of you all your lives by everyone around you, including me.”
“Mrs York,” Heath started. “It was decades ago, and honestly you couldn’t have–”
“I’m sorry, but my husband and I very muchcouldhave andshouldhave done something. We shouldn’t have believed those monsters. It might be too late for that now, but I’m not making the same mistake twice.” She turned back to me. “You send your people after her. She must have some sort of tracking thingy in her phone or something. Or you could contact the taxi company and ask–”
“Taxi? Mum, where did you see Verity?”
“Oh, I thought someone would have said. She left in a black cab. I tried to stop her, but you know my hip plays me up and I’m not as spritely as I used to be so–”
“Shit,” I snapped, scrubbing my hands down my face. I knew tracking her iPhone would be pointless as I could feel it in my pocket – Verity had given it to me earlier so she wouldn’t have to carry a clutch bag. It had made sense at the time, but I didn’t know then that she would go missing after a showdown with her deranged, coked-up mother.
“Everything okay?”
I turned to see Kira and Barclay Lucas walking up the steps to the stage, followed by the rest of my family. Kira’s normally smiling face was clouded with concern.
“You can find people, right?” I asked Barclay who tilted his head to the side.
“Well, if someone doesn’twantto be found then–”
“She’sbleeding!” I semi-shouted. It probably wasn’t advisable to shout at the leader of the country in a crowded room, but Ihadto find Verity. I tried to lower my voice when I spoke again. “She’s hurt and she’s all alone. Please, Mr Lucas.”
* * *
Verity
I leaned my head against the window of the train and looked at the lights flashing past. There’d been some funny looks directed my way in the station, but thankfully I’d only got a few drops of blood on my coat and I managed to find a plaster in my handbag for the cut on my cheek. Still, I’d only had the hand towels in the station toilet to wipe my face and neck with, so there was still some dried blood on me which looked slightly alarming to the other commuters. But luckily, Brits in general like to keep to themselves and that is doubly true on trains. My arms could have been hanging off and it would probably only raise the occasional eyebrow.
So, I was left to myself which was what I wanted. The shock of seeing my mother, having her scream at me in front of everyone I knew not to mention all the press in attendance, had rendered me incapable of rational thought. The shouting, the slap, the humiliation – it all took me back there and I couldn’t seem to find a way out. Nothing was really registering. It was like the world was just that bit too far away from me. Like I was removed from everything around me, from myself. Why was I even on this train now? What was I trying to do? I knew I should have stayed. I should have checked on Heath, should have made sure Felicity was arrested. It wasmyresponsibility.
And Harry… my chest tightened, and I took in a sharp breath. How could I face Harry? My hands went down to my stomach, and I closed my eyes. It was after Yaz broke their news that I started to do the maths in my head. Harry and I hadn’t taken any precautions so I suppose it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, but somehow I just assumed that at thirty-nine my ovaries wouldn’t have been quite so keen on making humans. Deep down I knew that I hadn’t tried to prevent it because having a baby of my own was a dream that I wasn’t prepared to let go of.
But how could I guarantee to this baby that I wouldn’t be like her? Clearly maternal instincts weren’t going to be inherent in my genetics. This wasn’t something I could organise my way out of. It wasn’t a board meeting I could boss, or a project I could deliver with record-breaking efficiency. This was a human child that would need to be loved. It would need to be wanted. I had no blueprint for this. My childhood wasn’t full of the casual affection and security of other people’s. I couldn’t rely on Harry and his family to help me either. His mum might feel sorry for me, but I knew there was no way she’d be keen on me having Harry’s baby – not when I was entirely fucked-up and broken by my past. Now Harry would feel trapped with me. He was a good man – I knew he’d stay with me for the baby, but I couldn’t shake that unwanted feeling. I felt sick when I thought of him knowing everything, and now having seen how ugly it all was. There was an undercurrent of hunger in my nausea though, and I realised that it had been hours since I’d eaten, yet I couldn’t face anything now.
“I’m letting you down already,” I whispered as I rubbed my stomach.
“What was that, love?” a kindly looking older lady said from the seat across from me. The other commuters frowned at the un-British display of concern. The chap next to me shifted slightly away. Clearly the blood-stained lady talking to herself on a train was best avoided.
“Sorry, nothing. I’m nothing,” I said, my voice hoarse. She frowned at my odd choice of words and opened her mouth to say something else, but I closed my eyes again, shutting her out. It wasn’t exactly a conscious choice to say ‘I’m nothing’ it was just what seemed to come out. And now I’d said it I realised that it was how I felt underneath it all. But the baby wasn’t nothing. I needed to snap out of this for the baby. So, I was going to make this journey back to where I started. Back to the beginning.
