“Strip clubs?”
“How well do you actually know Kira, Mr Lucas?”
“I . . .”
“She is a liability.”
“Well, she’smybloody liability so just . . . just put a man on her, alright?”
*****
Kira
“Henners, my man!”
“Argh!” Henry screamed, jumping off the bar stool in the kitchen and looking freaked. I tried not to laugh, I really did, but . . .
“Henny Penny,” I forced out through my hilarity, “you should see yourself! Clutching at your chest like some sort of virgin in a horror movie. I had no idea you were such a pussy.”
The offending hand fell from his chest at lightning speed and he scowled at me, puffing up his chest and planting his feet wide.
“Doesn’t matter how Alpha Male you wanna go now, Jamie Lee Curtis,” I told him, clicking across the tiled floor to get to the kettle, flicking it on then rifling through the cupboard above it. “I now know your scaredy-cat leanings. There’s no coming back from that, baby.” I threw the Earl fucking Grey down on the counter in disgust. “Don’t you freaks have any goddamn PG Tips? I’m gasping here.”
“Kira Murphy,” Henry said, deflating his chest (I would never let Henry know, but it had actually been an impressive display – since coming out of his funk he’d started eating and using the gym in Barclay’s basement. He’d be back up to full Lucas Brother hotness in no time at this rate). “What are you doing here? And what are you wearing?”
I was in my hands down nicest, most posh outfit in my wardrobe. But, judging by Henry’s shocked expression, wasn’t quite sure that my version ofniceandposhquite gelled with the Lucas version. This may have been because my smartest coat was very orange. You couldn’t see the dress underneath but my four-inch heels were electric pink. I hadn’t gone crazy with makeup but it was definitely more than my normal half-arsed effort.
“Well,that’sa nice welcome.” I shot him a mock hurt look. “Haven’t you heard?” I gave a little squeak of glee as I found a rogue packet of gingernuts that had been hiding behind the Earl Grey. “Your brother and I are . . . luuuurveeers.” I took a bite out of a gingernut like a lioness chomping into a gazelle. The man-eater effect was ruined slightly by the crumbs falling onto my coat.
Henry shook his head like I was the most utterly ridiculous creature on the planet. It was a little insulting. Wasn’t he even vaguely concerned that his brother was actually boning me? Was I that un-boneable?
To be fair, I knew I was about the last person the Great Barclay Lucas would bone. Once we’d put on this little show, Barclay could go back to doing Very Important Things in an orderly and organised manner with some sterile, socially acceptable, normal hair-coloured woman. And I could go back to the festival-attending, beard-sporting, questionable-hygiene-leaning chaps I was partial to.
“Shake your head all you want, baby,” I said, dropping the gross Earl Grey tea bag into my mug (needs must – I hadn’t had a cup of tea in over an hour). “How have I got your security code if I don’t need constant access to your back door in order to have an illicit affair with Mr Fine Arse himself?”
“Dr Murphy.”
I very nearly burned my hand as I whipped around to face the large man filling the doorframe and scowling across the kitchen at me.
“You know how much I appreciate this,” Barclay said in a strained voice, as if it physically hurt him to admit his gratitude to me. “But, like I said before, can we please, please not tell people we’re . . . physically intimate.”
I sighed. “I’m having a joke with Henners here. Alright, Serious Face? I know we’re notphysically intimate.” I lowered my voice and my eyebrows to try to mimic his perma-frown. “But let’s at least have a bloody laugh, right?”
Henry snorted. “Ki Ki, the guy hasn’thad a laughin over a decade. He’s not about to change now.”
“But his luuurrrvveeer wants to have–”
Barclay cut in, “Actually you’re just meant to be my girlfriend. Sort of.”
“Ah!” I shouted, jumping up and down on the spot, then putting my finger on my nose with one hand and pointing at Barclay with the other. “Iknewit! Fake girlfriend! And so it begins: my own personal romance novel. There’ll be tears and laughter, misunderstandings will abound, but love will win the day.”
Barclay’s left eye twitched in irritation and he looked down at his feet. Henry sniggered from the other side of the kitchen and I took the opportunity to take a much-needed swig of my tea.
“Dr Murphy,” he snapped out my name and I jumped. “I’m sorry if I’ve not been clear on this, but we are not going to be romantically involved. Ever.”
Well, that told me. I took my time dipping my gingernut into my tea before taking a large bite out of it. I knew we weren’t ever going to be bloody romantically involved. He didn’t have to spell it out. I wasn’t an idiot. Couldn’t he take a joke? The uptight twatbadger.
“Barclay,” Henry snapped, and I noticed he wasn’t laughing anymore. “It sounds like Kira’s doing you a favour. No doubt something that idiot Martin thought up. She knows she’s not getting access to yourprivate areas– she’s making a goddamn joke. Not that you would know a joke if it ran up to you and slapped you in the face with a wet fish. But there’s no need to be a total dick about it.”
