Years ago, I had determined that I was a masochist. It was the only explanation I had for not walking away from my straight best friend, but it had been too late by then anyway. I already loved him. I was pretty sure that I always had. The moment our eyes met and I saw that sea foam green surrounded by those dark lashes, I had been doomed.
I’d hoped the feelings would fade.
I’d never expected to be at his wedding years later, feeling like the whole world was empty while they slow danced across the floor.
Kamran had been so nervous that his hair wouldn’t cooperate. There was half a can of hairspray in it, and yet the humidity had made a few of the curls pop loose. It looked better that way. More like him. Kamran wasn’t refined. He was too honest to be.
How am I supposed to stomach this forever? I wondered.Should I walk away now?
The song ended, and another, faster one started. Other people started to join them, but I didn’t hear or notice much other than the way Kamran twirled Melissa, the way her pretty dress flowed around her feet. She was so damn lucky that she got to look at him like that, right in front of everyone.
They danced their way around the crowd, laughing and talking to the other guests until eventually, they were on the side where I was standing.
Melissa turned, talking to her mother, her hand still clinging to Kamran’s.
Even though I was in the shadows off the dance floor, Kamran seemed to sense me because he turned, and his gaze caught mine at once.
When our eyes met, he lit up, like a little kid on Christmas morning, giving me a warm smile that I couldn’t help but return.
“Come dance,” he said.
Grudgingly, I joined him, not really in the mood to jump around like my heart wasn’t currently sitting in the bottom of my shoes.
“We messed up our dance,” he laughed.
“No one noticed.”
“I don’t care if they did. I’m having the best time.”
His smile, bright and excited, seemed even warmer now. Warm enough to maybe even thaw me out.
“Thank you,” he said softly. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”
I wanted to argue. I was an addition to the wedding, not the main event. He could have easily had someone else be his best man.
Despite that, Kamran’s warmth flooded me. My heart thawed and started beating again, and all the love I felt for him overwhelmed me.
Who was I kidding?
I wasn’t going anywhere.
One day, when we were old and gray, I wouldstillbe Kamran’s best man; at his side and loving him without ever having all of him.
That was just going to have to be how it was.
For the hundredth time, I was going to have to accept that. And accept it over again whenever I felt weak.
Not having him in my life at all would be a far worse fate than being at his side as his friend.
I opened my eyes,the dream fading, leaving a strange, wistful feeling in its place.
Then Kamran shifted in my arms, and a feeling of wonder pushed everything else away. Even two years later, it was sometimes hard to believe that all of my dreams had come true.
Kamran’s eyes fluttered open and he squinted at me through those lovely, thick lashes, catching me watching him as he slept.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice thick from sleep. I marveled that I got to hear it like that. “Why are you awake?”
“Just thinking about how lucky I am,” I mused.
