I had to work on not taking drinks right when someone said something shocking.
“You saw that, huh?”
“Hard to miss,” he informed me.
I groaned.
“You looked like you were trying to swallow each other whole.”
For some reason, hearing him say it in such a deep, gruff voice was too much. I burst out laughing, unable to stop until tears were pouring. There was no judgement there, but I was pretty sure from the tone, he’d pay to never have to see that again.
“You got me,” I said, holding up my hands. “Itisabout him.”
“Well, if he doesn’t know you’re a catch, he should get his eyes checked,” he said sincerely.
It was such a fatherly thing to say that it made me want to call my dad and pour out my broken heart all over the place. The problem being was that I had never told my dad that I was gay. I had never told anyone. Aside from a female friend in high school, there was no one who had known until the last couple of weeks. I had kept myself locked away behind so many layers all because of Kamran. I had never wanted to alienate him.
Now that I thought of it that was the stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done because if Kamran hadn’t accepted me for who I was, then he wasn’t a man worth being in love with.
And wanting to win him over had made me do stupid things, things I would normally never do. I’d jeopardized my job doing something incredibly inappropriate. I’d had an affair with amarried man… those two things alone should have been enough to know we weren’t healthy together.
“Thank you,” I said again and gave Carl a quick glance,half wishing I had fallen for a guy like him instead. You know, one that wasn't married, but no, there was no one that could compare to Kamran, especially now. I hadn't thought it was possible, but my love for him had only grown. That was what made what had to happen next so hard.
“There's a lot I'm going to have to figure out how to say to him,” I said.
“Well, you're going to have to figure it out a lot faster than you planned,” he replied.
I glanced at him, then followed his gaze, dread growing as I looked across the bar to the doorway where Kamran was standing.
My breath caught in my throat when I saw him standing there, looking lost.
But then his gaze landed on mine and it waslike cominghome. How fucking unfair that I had to do this. To tell him now, when he'd come all this way... But I had spent two days mulling it over while he forgot to even check in with me and my mind was made, no matter how badly it hurt.
Bracingmyself, I pushed to my feet.
Kamran met me halfway, his hands coming up to hold onto my elbows, relief in his eyes as he searched my face, coupled with confusion.
“Ryan,” he whispered. “What thehell, why did you block me? What did I do?”
I could hear the hurt in his voice and it made an ache run through my body.
Tears pricked the back of my eyes.
“I was going tounblockyou in the morning,” I said.
“Butwhy?”
“So that I could think and—and not be distracted by you about this during game day.”
“But, it'sme, Ryan,” he said. “You can tell me anything that's bothering you. Even if it's about us.”
I lookedaroundthe bar and pushed him toward the exit even though it didn't look like anyone was snooping. It was mostly just to buy me enough time to remember to stay strong and not just throw myself at him and beg for his forgiveness,
We didn't say a word on the way to my room. It was only on the second floor, so we took the stairs, but the moment the door sealed shut behind me, Kamran was ready to continue to unravel me.
“I missed you,” he said.
“I missed you too,” I admitted.
