“Oh.”
“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “Guess this was all a long time coming.”
I was surprised. He had seemed so shocked about Melissa's infidelity. It had seemed like everything had been normal from his side. How could they have just settled into a sexless life without him noticing? I hadn'teverbeen in a relationship as long as theirs though, so maybe I wasn't the best judge of what was normal and what wasn't.
“How did that happen?” I found myself asking. Morbid curiosity won in this case. I didn’t want to know details about his sex life with Melissa but I wanted to understand nonetheless.
He was silent for a long time, thinking, his gaze far away. When he finally looked up at me, his expression was so bare.
“I don’t think I ever really liked having sex with her,” he said. He seemed to catch himself and suddenly turned his face down to stare at his plate, looking ashamed. “I didn’t realize it. It felt good and everything but it always felt like something Ishouldwant to do. Then she stopped initiating it and I guess I was kind of relieved…”
I swallowed, understanding flowing through me.
“Actually,” he went on. “It always felt like that, with every girl I’ve ever hooked up with.”
I nodded, searching his face.
For a guy from a somewhat conservative family, he was very liberal, but maybe his upbringing rang in the back of his ears where he could barely hear it. Or maybe it was something else, I wasn’t sure. It certainly wasn’t the norm for people from eastern countries to come out. He had probably never even allowed himself to consider it.
“Does this make me a shitty person?” he asked tentatively.
I shook my head at once.
“It takes time to figure things like this out,” I said. “You probably never let yourself think about it.”
“I think you’re right,” he said, sighing heavily. “And now I just want to be free to explore this side of myself. With you.”
“I’m here,” I assured, taking his hand.
“Yeah, except last night, you pulled out.”
I stared, flabbergasted by the way he swung that back around.
“I have to get tested again before we have unprotected sex... If I wasn't so drunk I would have suggested doing something else.”
“Well, we've already done it once,” he said, still not looking at me. “Does it really matter now?”
I was still shocked that he was upset aboutthisof all things.
Maybe in his head it made things more permanent?
“Why do you care so much about that?”
“Because people who are really together and not seeing other people don’t usually use protection,” he shot back then suddenly added, “Can I see your phone?”
I blinked, realizing the implications of what he was asking. Without hesitation, I stood and went upstairs to find it.
It was still in the pants I'd thrown aside some time last night.
When I came downstairs with it and handed it straight to Kamran, he almost looked queasy swiping it open.
His hands were trembling a little bit as he went through my apps, aware that I was watching him the entire time. I had nothing to hide, but when his face fell and he turned the screen toward me, I didn't quite know how to respond.
“You have Grindr,” he accused.
I almost laughed but bit it back at the look on his face.
“Well, yeah, I do.”
