“Give her a break,” Michelle chastised. “This is really hard for her.”
“Oh, it's hard forher?” I demanded, “I just want to talk Michelle, to figure out what the hell comes next and why she?—”
I broke off, emotion cutting me short. I had to shut my eyes and take a deep breath to continue and didn't even know if I should bother.
“I know, this is hard for everyone,” Michelle said, surprising me with the sympathy in her voice. “She's doing her best, okay? She's only human...”
I found myself nodding even though she couldn't see me. Tears suddenly stung my eyes.
“God, thisisso hard,” I whispered even though I knew I shouldn't, that Michelle wasLissa'sconfidant, not mine.
“Hold tight, Hun,” she said. “I wish I could fix everything but it is what it is. This is no one's fault, okay? Melissa knows that. I know that. And as soon asyou'reboth ready everything will be okay... you're not going to lose any of us. Got that?”
The firmness in her voice threw me for a loop.
“Wait... what?—”
“Oh shit,” Michelle interrupted, laughing. “Sorry, Lissa just fell off my bed with an entire glass of wine. Have a good night.”
“You too,” I managed before the line went blank.
For a moment, I stared at the phone, mulling over her last words. Did shereallythink that we would just iron this out? That everything would go back to how it was? Maybe that was the narrative that Melissa was feeding her. Maybe theyboththought we could work it out.
Well, that would only make it more awkward to explain that I had already moved on. There was no way that anyone would ever have a claim on my heart the way that Ryan did. He was the onlyperson who had ever hugged me and made me feel like his arms alone could make me whole.
I would question how he had become my person to turn to, to lean on in such a short amount of time, but the truth was, he always had been. I had just been too blind to see it.
And while Melissa was with her sister, probably ranting and letting out steam, I wanted to be with him.
I didn't think that Ryan would mind me showing up at his door. As I drove, anticipation wound me up tight. It had only been a few hours but I couldn't wait to see him. I wanted his arms around me so badly. I wanted to burrow my face into his chest and let his presence wash over me and take every stress away, but as I turned onto his street and neared his house, I slowed down, surprised to see that his car wasn't there.
I pulled into the spot and turned off my car. Sitting there for a long moment looking up at his dark house, I wondered where he was.
He hadn't mentioned having any plans. Then again, we hadn't spoken about much aside from the most pressing issue between us.
Maybe he had gone out to a club or bar when I told him I needed more time earlier. Itwasa Friday night, after all.
For some reason my mind flipped through all the times that he hadn't come out with us over the years.All the nights that I'd stayed in and assumed that he was doing the same.
Was Ryan really out all those nights, picking up? When else did he get to meet guys? Sure, he hadn’t been out of the closet, but he'd known he was gay, and I knew he wasn't celibate... How did he get his fix?
Jealousy swirled in my stomach, nearly making me feel sick.
And a strange thought occurred to me, one I hadn't thought of until now. Was this how Ryan felt all the time I'd been with Melissa? Had he spent nights imagining what we were doing?
Fuck. I wanted to go back. I wanted to fix all of this before it had even started. I wanted to turn past Melissa down and pull past Ryan into my arms and start fresh.
One New Year’s Eve back in college, at the count of midnight, Ryan had jokingly tried to kiss me and I'd shoved him away. We'd both been laughing, in the middle of a party, taking nothing in life seriously. But now, I wished that I had gripped the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deep one. I wished that we'd started before there was enough time for anything else to happen.
The thought of all the time that had been lost ate me up inside, but the realization that I wanted to erase a once happy relationship from my memories was even worse.
Melissa deserved better than that, but it felt like all of our memories together were twisted and poisoned now and I didn't know how to change that.
The fact that I wanted to go back, not to rescue our marriage, but to undo it altogether said everything to me about where my heart was.
Could Melissa tell that I had already moved on? Was that why she didn't want to speak to me? Was it the finality of it all that was getting to her?
For a minute, I sat there unsure what to do next before I pulled out a smoke and slowly finished it, exhaling out the open window.
