Somehow, I managed to climb out of bed to grab something to eat. One of the microwave dinners that I'd started to rely on a little too much lately and sat down on the couch, turning on the sports channel to watch highlights while I ate.
It only managed to capture my attention for a few minutes though. My eyes kept flying to the clock on the wall, wondering if Kamran had spoken to Melissa yet. If he was still talking to her, or was done already.
He would call me when he was done though, I assumed. After all, he'd made it sound an awful lot like he wanted more than tojust get off today. He'd made it sound like he wantedme.Like in a boyfriend type of way.
My heart skipped a beat and I told it to calm the fuck down, tapping my foot while I waited.
I could get excitedafterI heard from him and knew he'd spoken to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Once they were at the stage of figuring out how to detangle their lives for real then—and only then, if Kamran still wanted me, I would be able to breathe again.
Until that moment, I would have to hold my breath and hope that I survived.
Except that as the hours passed I thought I might pass out from lack of air.
I felt weak climbing into bed that night, knowing that my classes at school weren't as good when I wasn't in the right headspace and the kids always noticed it.
I didn't think I would be sleeping though. How could I without knowing if Kamran had spoken to Melissa. Was he okay? Had he decided to stay with her?
Oh god. What if they decided to work it out?
I wouldn't be able to handle that. I would have to walk away.
As much as it would hurt like hell, pretending that I didn't love Kamran now would break me.
My phone vibrated on my night stand and my entire body froze. My heart was pounding so hard when I reached for it that I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack until I read the message.
Hey Ryan
Want to meet in the morning for a run before work?
I stared, trying to read between the lines for so long that the words stopped making sense altogether.
Finally, I typed out a reply, feeling like I'd fallen into an alternate universe.
Rocky Point Park?
Sounds good. See you at 6?
K
I frowned at our exchange for about a century before finally deciding that he wanted to talk to me in person. That meant there was probably stuff he had to say or type when Melissa wasn't around which led me to believe that he hadn't told her about us. And also, she was probably there right next to him, which meant that he probably hadn't spoken to her at all...
I hoped that I was wrong, but Kamran was non-confrontational. He was gruff in personality but gentle at heart. He never fought with anyone, really. He tended to just accept things or let them go.
Would this be one of those things?
In years from now, would he still be with Melissa, having accepted his unhappiness as a state of life?
I tried not to think about it, about what he was going to say when we met tomorrow morning, but my mind raced until hours later.
I fell into a fitful sleep, wishing he was still in my bed, holding tightly to my hand like last time he had stayed the night.
It would be so nice to wake up next to him and know that I didn't have to resist snuggling him and holding him and kissing him absolutely everywhere, just the way I wanted to.
I fell asleep thinking about it and woke up wishing for it.
Then practically leaped out of bed when I realized.
“My car!”
