I opened my eyes and stared down at the back of the picture. “I feel nothing,” I wrote out. I didn’t sign it. He’d know it was from me. Besides, if he brought Isabella back to his room tonight, I didn’t want her to see a note from me. She tortured me enough. I didn’t need to give her any more ammunition.
I walked out of his room, feeling the weight of the lie in the note. Because honestly? I didn’t feel nothing. I felt…broken. And I was pretty sure it was exactly how Matt wanted me to feel.
Untouchable - Chapter 19
Saturday
“You’re shivering,” Felix said, breaking the awkward silence in the car. He shrugged out of his jacket.
I couldn’t take his freaking jacket from him. I could barely even look at him. “No, it’s okay.” We were on a date and I’d made out with another guy. I wasn’t that kind of girl. So why the hell did I keep kissing Matt in dark places? This wasn’t me. I blinked fast, trying to hold back my impending tears. God, I was such an idiot. Felix was a good guy. A sweet guy who was literally holding out his jacket to me. And I’d kissed Matthew Caldwell instead.Again.I’d hidden in his freaking closet waiting for him even when it was obvious he was seeing Isabella. I was…the worst.
“I’m overheated anyway,” Felix said, keeping his jacket outstretched toward me.
I was sitting in the back of his fancy car in a wet dress that was more suited for the summer than the fall. I couldn’t even try to hide my shivering. But I deserved to suffer. I deserved it. And a part of me felt like I was shaking because I was angry. Angry with Matt, yes. But even angrier at myself.
Felix wrapped his jacket around my shoulders anyway.
The guilt was so heavy that his jacket felt like it weighed 50 pounds. I just needed to come clean. I needed to tell him the truth. That I’d made a mistake. Twice. But I’d never make it again. Matt was a thief. And a liar. He was such a freaking liar. I was done making mistakes.
“Are you okay?” Felix asked.
I pulled his jacket tighter, hoping the weight would suffocate me so I never had to have that conversation with Felix.No.I was so far from okay. “I’m fine,” I lied.
“Tonight was fun, huh?” Kennedy asked, leaning forward so I could see her around Felix. “I love dancing. And Felix is such a great dancer, don’t you think?” She put her hand on Felix’s thigh.
I grimaced. “Mhm.” I could see it now. Everything was so clear tonight. I’d learned the truth about Matt. And I’d learned the truth about Kennedy too. Rob was right. She clearly had a thing for Felix. Whatever had happened between them freshman year wasn’t over. At least, not for her. Being alone with the two of them in the car was unbearable. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that I’d kissed Matt. That I was sorry. That I was so fucking sorry. Kennedy deserved a great guy like Felix. Not me.
Because I was a brother kisser. Potentially. A brother kisser that kept going back for more like the sick person I’d become. It would be easy to blame the tequila that I hadn’t wanted. But that didn’t explain the first kiss away. Honestly, nothing could explain either kiss away. And I was so upset with myself, because there was one more thing that had become clear tonight. I’d messed everything up with Felix. I’d messed it up and I couldn’t undo it. And I wanted to. I really really wanted to undo it all. I wanted to be with Felix. But even if I became a genie and undid everything, I couldn’t be. I couldn’t be with him because Kennedy liked him. And I couldn’t do that to Kennedy.
Felix smiled down at me as we pulled up outside my apartment building. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
“That’s okay. Thanks for the ride.” I started to open the door, but the driver got there first. I stepped out onto the busy city street without looking at the traffic. A car beeped at me as it sped by. I hurried to the sidewalk.
Before I could walk up to the apartment, Felix grabbed my hand, pulling me back to him.
“Are you trying to get yourself run over?” There was humor in his eyes.
Maybe I was. Maybe all the secrets were too much. Being here in this stupid city was too much. I just wanted to go back to being invisible. “I’m sorry that tonight was a disaster,” I said. I was. Even if there was no way to fix it. I stared into his eyes. Why had I kissed Matt? Why? Why had I messed everything up? Felix had always been the right choice. The better choice.
“I can think of one way to make it better.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and then his hand stayed put on the side of my face.
He wanted that first kiss I’d promised him. I had to tell him the truth. He deserved to know the truth.
“I believe I promised you something.” His face slowly lowered to mine.
This wouldn’t be my first kiss. Not even my second.
He drew a fraction of an inch closer.
I couldn’t kiss him. I couldn’t. Not like this.
Even closer.
So why did I want him to kiss me anyway? I wanted him to kiss away tonight. To kiss away the pain in my chest. I wanted to pretend that none of the Untouchables had ever talked to me. That it had all been a nightmare.
He was barely a breath away.
I closed my eyes. And for a second I imagined that I was back in my hometown. That my mom was still alive. That I’d never been kissed. That everything was right in the world.
