There was no room in my mother's heart for me. There was no room in Tyler's heart for me. In four months I'd be alone. It was my worst fear coming true. My dad would be dead. And it was my fault. Because I couldn't save him. I couldn't fix it. It felt like I was drowning.
I dropped to my knees in the sand and wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn't breathe. My lungs ached as I gasped for air.
Tyler's arms wrapping around me felt like an anchor. Suddenly I felt like I could breathe again. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone. The smell of freshly cut grass was all I could smell. It was the most comforting scent in the world.
He pulled my face onto his shoulder and let me cry. And maybe it was weak, but I clung to him. Because he was the only thing in the world that seemed to know how to calm me. He was the light to my darkness. He was the missing piece to my puzzle. He was it. And it made me cry even harder because I wasn't his missing piece. And I never would be.
"Tell me who those people were so I know who to beat up," Tyler said.
I laughed. It came out as more of a choking noise. I swallowed hard and pulled away from him, but not enough so that our bodies weren't pressed together. Because I needed to know he was beside me. Even if just for a few more moments.
"Tyler..." my voice cracked as I put my face in my hands.
"It's okay, you can tell me. Talk to me, Hailey."
I looked up. He looked so concerned. And I needed to talk to someone about this before the pain swallowed me whole.
Tyler leaned forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. The gesture was so comforting.
"I know that when you asked about my mom, I said I didn't have one anymore. I made it seem like she was dead. Because...well, I don't know. It's easier that way when people ask, I guess. But, she's alive."And better off without me, I guess."She left my dad and me when I was a kid. And I still remember it like it was yesterday, you know? All the things she said." I looked down at my lap. "That I was a mistake. That I ruined her life. That it was my fault that she was unhappy. That she never loved me."
Tyler slipped his hand into mine. "How old were you?"
"Seven."
"Jesus." He squeezed my hand. "Please tell me you didn't believe her? Hailey, you're remarkable. You're everything good this world has to offer. You're perfect."
Perfect?I laughed. "Of course I believed her. I was seven. And I've felt abandoned my whole life. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough." It was hard to look at him, so I looked past him at the ocean instead. It really was beautiful. So why was I focused on this pain instead of its beauty? Why were some things so all consuming? "I used to write her letters every day, beggingher to come home, asking her what I could do for her to love me again. She never wrote me back. Hundreds of unanswered letters. Eventually my dad told me that she had gotten remarried to some hotshot lawyer and that she had asked for me to stop trying to contact her. She started a new family. She replaced us so easily. And I don't know why I can't move on like she did. I don't know why it hurts so damn much."
"So that was her? Back at that house?"
I nodded. "She didn't even recognize me. Which is so hurtful because I can't ever forget her. I see her every time I look in the mirror. I have her eyes and her nose and I hate it so much. And I hate how much it hurts my dad that I look like her."God, my dad.I had failed.
"You're your own person, Hails. You're beautiful in spite of her."
I wiped away my tears and laughed. "I don't even know why I'm talking about that. It doesn't even matter. What's important is the fact that I haven't asked her for a damn thing in 15 years. And when I asked her for a loan, she just laughed at me and told me she was going to call the cops. She looked at me like I was trash that she had thrown out."
"How much money do you need? I can give you some money for the bar for a few months. I'm not going to be using it anyway."
"It's not even about the bar."
"Just tell me what you need. Let me help, Hails. I want to."
"You can't help. It's not that simple." I felt myself closing off again.
"Please, just let me in. Let me..."
"Why, so you can break my heart? So you can make me feel second best like my mom has my whole life? I don't even know why you came back. Why are you even here?"
"Because I care about you." He said it so earnestly that it made me start to cry again. "Please, Hails, let me help." He wiped away my tears with his thumb. "It seems pretty simple to me. I have some money saved up. I can give you a loan. I want to give you a loan."
"It's not just a small loan to pay the rent." I sniffed and wiped my eyes again. There was no reason not to tell him. It was a reality now. It was going to happen and I couldn't stop it. I had failed. "My dad's dying, Tyler." I hated saying it out loud. I hated that it was true. I hated that there was nothing I could do to save him.
Tyler lowered his eyebrows like it physically pained him to hear that.
"He has cancer. All that's left to try are these expensive experimental treatments." I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. "But insurance won't pay for them. He took out a loan against the bar and the house already." I shook my head. "And now we have my college loans on top of everything else. I wouldn't have done all this unless we were truly out of options."
"How much do you need?"
