He hesitated before nodding and leaving her alone.
She didn’t know any of these servants. She had brought her maid along, before realizing that didn’t particularly feel right either.She’d sent the young woman home with a promise to pay her wages until she found her a new position.
The more of that life I can leave behind, the better.
There was some mending to be done to her heart, and she worried about the time it would take. She hadn’t thought she had given much of herself to Tristan. But even the little moments had left their mark.
“It was my father who first taught me how to dance when I was younger. He’d met my mother at a ball and fell in love with her the moment she stepped on his toes. So he taught me to dance as a child while I stepped on his feet, and he would lead me around,” she had told Tristan one evening while he was finishing his supper.
He usually nodded along, mostly absent-minded, while he tended to business. But when she was done with her story that time, he’d paused and then looked up at her.
“Your father loved you,” he had said.
“He did. Very much,” Verity had replied. “Didn’t your parents love you too?”
Tristan had immediately looked away, making her regret the question.
It felt so natural to her. She knew she had been loved by her mother because her father said so. And she knew her father had loved her, though it was in his own way and harder to discern as she grew older. Even her aunt Eugenia loved her, sharp tongue and all.
“Love is only a temporary sensation like any other feeling. It comes and goes,” Tristan had told her while shuffling his papers.
It had struck her then how differently they must have been raised.
“But love lingers. The Bible teaches it is so.”
“The Bible teaches many things we choose to ignore. And emotions are meant to be managed more than they should be felt.”
“That is a lonely way of looking at the world and our lives,” she had tentatively responded.
Nudging the tray toward her, Tristan wouldn’t look at her any longer. “All of us are alone.”
Standing now in Helena’s halls with no one around, Verity felt her legs grow weak. She leaned against the nearest door and pressed her forehead against the frame. It was cold and sharp and unforgiving. Much like her husband, it seemed.
Did he mean those words? He must have. Perhaps he was trying to tell me all along not to get my hopes up. Not to care for him. Not to feel for him…
Verity shook her head. She didn’t know why she still felt anything toward him. Those words from those letters would never leave her mind. They had kept waking her even after she cried herself to sleep.
Off she went, wandering the house in solitude before taking an afternoon nap. The sky was dark when she arose in search of supper.
But there were even more people in the dining room. The table was nearly full when Verity peeked through a partially open door. When a footman moved forward to open it for her, she waved him off and hastily stepped back.
A violin played, and laughter rang out. There was chatter about more games to take place this evening. The energy was high; Verity could feel it from the hall. It felt like spiders crawling up her spine.
“What fun!” Helena cried out more than once.
This was the life that her friend desired, now that she was free to do as she liked. Verity loved that for her. Helena had not always had such access to money, freedom, and happiness. And while she was grateful that her friend was enjoying living the high life, this wasn’t something Verity could do right now.
She mouthed an apology before turning away. She made her way down to the kitchens, making a small tray for herself despite the protest of the servants. A maid insisted on at least carrying it for her.
Together, they went to Helena’s sparse library. There was a fair amount of space, but several of the bookshelves were empty. The maid eyed her curiously, saying nothing as she set the tray down.
“Is there anything more I can do for you, Your Grace?” she asked.
“No, that will be all. Thank you,” Verity added as she settled into the comfortable chair.
By the time she tucked her bare feet under her dress, the maid had left and she was all alone.
The following days followed much of the same thread, with Helena hosting friends who wandered in and out of the house party. Meanwhile, Verity avoided them as much as possible.
