“But if it does not suit you to do so, turn your head toward me, so you shall not feel tempted to gossip as you once did before marriage turned you refined and dull.”
“Dignified! I am refined and dignified!”
“Ah, so you are.”
Marina gave him a small smile that gave him hope. Then, she looked upon the food he had packed and sighed happily, pleased with the array. There was fresh fruit, fine cheeses, and a few items he knew her to enjoy as well as some sweet biscuits she rarely allowed herself to indulge in. He thought, perhaps, it was a bit too obvious that he had been planning this day for quite some time, but then again, maybe it was better that she knew.
They sat together and ate in silence for a while. When they were both full, though, they remained on the lawn enjoying the warm sun and the gentle breeze. Marina watched people walk to and from town down the dirt road and smiled. Occasionally, he saw a glimmer of humor in her eye and knew that she had noticed something peculiar about someone, but she did not share her thoughts.
“What brought this on?” she asked him at great length.
“The picnic?”
“Well, yes, but I mean you.”
Phillip raised an eyebrow in confusion.
Marina seemed to hesitate as if she wasn’t sure whether or not she could say what she wanted. “You are sometimes this way,” she started, slowly, gesturing to their surroundings. “But you are other times affected by a certain displeasing disposition. You have been that way for some time. I am curious what brings about the switch between the two.”
Phillip found himself frequently shocked by the honesty of Marina’s observations and the frank delivery of her opinions. It was, he supposed, the saving grace of their marriage. If she were less forthcoming, they would still be avoiding each other in the halls having not spoken since she moved in.
“I was not aware that I partook in such, ah, polarizing behavior.”
Marina nodded, reaching for another piece of cheese. He watched her eat before she spoke again. “Yes. I have been trying to determine the difference myself, but the switch does not seem to have a pattern to it. I must admit that I am surprised to learn you have not noticed.”
Philip snorted his laughter, amused at the clinical way she assessed his character as though she were talking about a character in one of her novels. He knew that he should probably take offense to her, but it was endearing. She had, unwittingly, admitted to him that she was trying just as hard as he was. At least, that was what he hoped it meant. His feelings for his wife had grown complex and difficult to navigate, and although he still had every intention of keeping her at arm’s length in order to protect them both from his secret, he realized that alienating her altogether was not the way to do so.
“Perhaps I can offer some insight, and you can tell me what you think.”
“Please do.”
“I planned this outing because I am exhausted by the idea of a wife who feels she must tiptoe around her own home. I do not wish to be the man I have been lately. I wish…I wish for us to come to some sort of agreement.”
“An agreement? You make our marriage sound like a property deal.”
“Perhaps, but I am unsure how else to approach it.”
“What could you mean?”
“Marina, I…I cannot offer you much in the way of romance or love. I cannot offer you anything, really, in that manner. There are scars on my heart that are too deep to mend. But I…I hope that we might be friends, nonetheless.”
Marina’s eyes wandered away from him and took on a thoughtful glaze. She hummed pleasantly while she did, and Phillip thought that he could watch her all day. And this was precisely the problem.
“Perhaps, then, it is that you have closed yourself off to me in times when you feel I want or need more from you than friendship.”
“Perhaps.”
“Phillip, you should share thoughts like this with me more often.”
“Should I?”
“Certainly. If I had known this before, I would have reassured you that I find you utterly repulsive.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“As a man, I mean. When I first learned that you were coming back to London, I felt fear seize my heart for every young eligible lady in the ton. Now, I know, it was my duty to keep you from them by marrying you first. You need not worry. I am content to befriend you.”
Phillip looked away from her, not sure if he should be sore or amused by her declaration.
