He heard the anger in his voice, and Kenneth did not miss it either. His friend dipped his head to his side. “Lenny, what has gotten into you? Are you really just upset about climbing a tree? You know I am quite accomplished, as evident by my victory. I wasn't going to fall.”
“But if you had, it would be my fault. Just like everything else.”
“What has happened? What's gotten into you, Lenny?”
“I am a fool. A righteous fool. I…” He dropped his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. “I forget myself. Sometimes I just want to be the man I used to be. Someone who is carefree and does not have anything to worry about. The man I was before my father’s lies ruined my life.”
“You can be that man. The only one holding you back from being who you want to be is you. Please tell me what has happened?” Kenneth asked, his eyes on Leonard, who could not bring himself to look at his best friend.
“You seemed much more lighthearted of late. In fact, the way you and Sally were together, I thought you had really overcome your hesitations and decided to give being with her a real chance.”
Leonard said nothing and instead ground his teeth together, the sound filling his ears, drowning out even the bubbling stream. The truth was, he had almost believed it. That maybe he should give them a chance, that maybe they could be happy. He had wanted to believe that he wasn’t like his father. He wanted to believe that he and she could have something special. With each increasing day he had spent with her, it had become harder to hold onto the knowledge he had held close like a shield for the last few years since his father’s death that he was not capable of loving or worthy of being loved.
Sally had made it almost impossible to remember why he had made these vows to stay single, never set a child into this world, and never make a woman unhappy; why had he given up his dreams of family and love? Because with her, he had wanted all of it.
Until he was reminded how much he was like his father. First by the Kellers, then by her jest that he was demanding when he'd told her to eat breakfast. He knew she hadn't meant it like that, but it had ignited something within him... Worst of all had been the diary entries, but then he'd know this. He'd known they would make him feel terrible. He'd wanted them to.
He'd needed them, too. His conversation with Mrs. Farnsworth had almost undone everything he'd accomplished by making himself read the diary. Her assurances that Sally was nothing like his mother had given him a glimmer of hope that she might withstand even his harshest transformation. But in the end, he'd known he had to give up fooling himself. He was his father's son.
It was a harsh reminder, but one that he had desperately needed. Now, he was back on track. Now he knew what he had to do. Stay away from her.
“Leonard?” He looked at his friend.
“I wanted to. Part of me really wanted to…” he stammeredpartially trapped in his head still.
“Wanted to what?” Kenneth sounded more and more concerned the more Leonard spoke.
“To believe. To want to be who I used to be. But I have been reminded that I will never be that Leonard again. I am sorry that I was trapped into a marriage with your sister-in-law and that she is now forever robbed of the possibility of being happy unless she engages in an affair of some sort.” He scoffed. “Isn’t it tragic that one’s only chance of happiness should be by way of an illicit affair?”
“Lenny!” Kenneth exclaimed and grabbed his arm. “What? Do you have a carte blanche I didn’t know about?”
“No. Of course not. What is the matter with you? I meant her. Sally’s best chance of happiness of being loved is to find herself some guy with stability. Of course I would not mind it. How can I when I can’t give her what she wants?” These thoughts had lived in the back of his mind for weeks now, and finally, they burst forth.
Leonard pressed his lips together while Kenneth let out an almighty groan.
“What in the world is the matter with you? I do not understand why you are so convinced that you would ruin her if you allowed yourself to love her. Anyway, I never did understand why you think your father’s actions mean you will be a bad husband.”
“I already told you.” Leonard said, although, of course, that wasn’t fully the truth. He’d told his friends some of the story, but the worst part was that he’d kept to himself.
“Your father treated your mother shabbily, I know. But that does not mean you will also. I’ve seen you with Sally. I see that you care for her.”
Leonard looked out at the water, wishing his soul could be as peaceful as the stream before him. He thought back to how good it had felt when Sally had leaned on him and confided in him, yet he knew that those feelings carried danger.
“Kenneth, you do not truly know how badly a man my father was. In fact, there is something I have not told you yet.”
His friend was quiet and looked at him with piercing eyes.
“What do you mean? You have told me that he mistreated your mother. That he would often strike her. You have told me that he mistreated his workers, stole money that wasn’t his. Truly a dishonorable man. What else could there be?” Kenneth’s perplexed visage gave Leonard pause, and he hesitated.
Like Sally, there had been parts of his story that he had never told anyone. Not even Kenneth. However, now he had to. Maybe then his friend would truly understand what demons he was fighting. Maybe then he could help Leonard find a way to convince Sally that separate lives were for the best. Maybe he’d invite Sally to live with him and Joanna.
“Do you truly want to know how bad a man my father was? I will tell you. He was so horrid a man that he was killed. Murdered.” He spat the words out quickly so they would not disappear again before his lips could form them.
He saw Kenneth’s face pale, and his lips slowly parted.
“Murdered? What in the world do you mean?”
“I mean what I said. Someone hated my father so much that they murdered him. That is how big a monster he was,” Leonard said, oddly relieved to have finally put out the truth.
