She bit her lip, remembering how forward she’d been at the dance. Hadn’t she implied that they were more than a fake couple? Was that why he was acting in such a strange way? Dread filled her stomach, and she sat back.
“Or am I?” She hated how weak her voice sounded, how weak she felt speaking the words.
“No, of course not,” Kenneth said quickly. “You have done nothing wrong. All of this… my current condition, the things I know we must talk about, none of it is your fault.”
Instantly, her doubts were washed away, and her vexation returned.
“So, it is as I said? You want to end our arrangement, but you do not want to tell me. You wantmeto say it.” She clicked her tongue. “Why are you men such cowards? All of you?”
The question wasn’t directed at him but rather at the universe. Still, since he was the only man in the room, he looked at herrather stunned. “I do not know what you mean. I told you I am not in a good… Please, I understand this is a conversation we need to have, and I do not want to dismiss you. I only ask that you give me some time.”
“Time to do what? Do you want to end our arrangement or not? Why have you walked away from me? If it was not something I said or did, then why? Why shut yourself away? Why ignore me? Kenneth, I feel as though we are more to one another than just…” This time, her words failed her, and she shook her head.
She’d hoped coming here would help her understand him, but it seemed the opposite was the case.
“Please, do not send me away without answers. I owe you a debt of gratitude for saving me, and I do not want you to think that I do not know this. But I do not understand why you disappeared, why you act as though we are now strangers.” Her eyes stung, and she realized she was about to cry, which was the last thing she wanted to do in front of him.
“Joanna, there is so much about me you do not know,” he explained, perhaps sensing her upset. “Yet, what you just said is not wrong. Iama coward. I deserve your wrath.”
Instantly, Joanna felt terrible. How could she have said such a thing to him? He who had leaped into the literal fire to save her? She was angry, yes, but did her anger justify such cruelty? No.
Sally often said that Joanna’s mouth might one day be her undoing, and in situations such as this one, Joanna wondered if her sister was right.
“I did not mean it. I was angry. Iamangry, but you are a hero. You?—”
“No!” he bellowed, startling her. “I am a coward, as you said. Look at me, locked in my own house, unable to face the world. Haunted by nightmares, unable to have a candle so much as around me because it would evoke memories of the past. Because the smell of fire makes mesick.”
The fire. Joanna recalled her father’s words.How Kenneth had dashed into another fire after everything he had been through.
What had happened?
Slowly, she walked closer to Kenneth. “Something happened, didn’t it? Not at Almack’s but before.”
He looked at her, and for a long while, neither spoke. Then, he took a deep breath. “You want the truth, Joanna Blackmore? Very well, you shall have it.”
He looked away from her and at the empty fireplace, and as she sat on the chaise, she could not help but wonder if she’d asked for too much. For whatever he was about to reveal would certainly change everything between them,thatshe understood perfectly well.
CHAPTER 19
Kenneth hesitated, even though he’d already decided to tell her everything. A conflict bubbled within him, for on the one hand, he had no desire to share his innermost feelings with anyone. Yet, on the other hand, he knew he had to.
The accusation of cowardice struck a nerve. It was true, after all. Hewasa coward. He was hiding in his house, refusing to step outside. He was also the one who’d engaged in a deception to avoid marriage.
No, her words had resonated with the guilt he harbored deep within, and it was time to let it out. Even if it meant losing her. But then again, hadn’t he already resigned himself to just that?
He took a deep breath, acknowledging that it was time to share the truth with Joanna, to unveil the haunting story he had kept locked away.
“Do you truly want to hear my story?” he asked, looking into her eyes, searching for any sign of hesitation.
She met his gaze with determination. “Yes, Kenneth. You can tell me anything.”
It was a nice sentiment, this idea that he could tell her anything and have her continue to support him. He knew, of course, that this would not come to pass. There was only one way this day would end: with the both of them parting ways forever.
The question was how it would happen. Would he send her away before he finished telling her his story? Or would he make it through the entire sordid tale with the fear of her judgment, of being cast aside, gnawing at him the entire time?
He swallowed hard, attempting to hold back the darkness that threatened to consume him. “Once I’m done, you may regret saying that,” he warned, a tinge of bitterness in his voice.
Joanna shook her head gently. “Let me be the judge of that, Kenneth.”
