He could not be with her. Fake or real, their connection had to end. Kenneth could not lose her to some dreadful calamity as had already almost happened. It was too daunting a prospect,too horrible an idea. He’d broken his own rule and fallen in love with her, knowing it could never be. And now they both had to pay the price.
A knock at the door tore him from his thoughts, and his mother entered. She’d arrived some time ago and taken charge of running the household. He hadn’t set a menu or read his correspondence other than the letters from Joanna. His mother had seen to all of that. She’d paid the maids their wages, sent the kitchen maid to the market, and done who knew what else to keep the house running.
What she hadn’t done, however, was bother him too much. Seeing his sullen state, she’d simply gotten to work. Until now.
“Well, the household is running,” she said as she sat down on the chaise. “How are you? When did you last eat?”
“I’m not hungry,” he replied, realizing this was the first time she had visited him since their argument.
“I did not ask if you are hungry. I asked when was the last time you ate,” she clarified, motherly concern evident in her voice.
If she was bothered by their fight, she did not show it. Having heard about what had happened at Almack’s, she knew the condition he’d be in, of course.
“I do not recall,” he responded with a somber shake of his head.
“I’ll have something sent up. Porridge with salt? That used to go down even when you were at your worst after Edw—” She paused and glanced at the portrait before sighing. “Would you like me to send for some laudanum? It might help you sleep.”
“No, I do not want it. My need and desire is not for medicine but for solitude.” He paused, weighing his words, given their strained relationship. “I do not mean to be unkind. I appreciate you are here, but I wish to be alone. How did you… Why did you come?” he asked.
“I told you when I arrived. Jones my butler sent for me. He told me you withdrew from the world.”
“I am not withdrawing from the world,” Kenneth insisted.,
His mother raised an eyebrow at him. “You are. And I do not blame you. I heard what happened. I heard that you rushed inside the inferno to save Lady Joanna. It was heroic, of course. But I’m worried about you, and for a good reason.”
“I’m fine,” Kenneth asserted, a refrain that masked his inner turmoil.
“I have seen what you requested be done to the house,” his mother said without elaborating. She didn’t have to. He knew what she meant.
Following the fire, he’d returned home utterly foxed and unable to sleep. The fear of another fire breaking out somehowhad driven him to stay away for almost forty-eight hours. He’d eventually instructed his servants to implement safety measures.
Buckets of water and sand had been strategically placed around the house—vigilance against an unseen threat. He’d set up a schedule for his footmen to patrol the house at all hours to ensure there was no suspicious smoke. Fireplaces were not to be used unless buckets and a servant were nearby. In addition, he refused to sleep with his windows closed, even if there was a storm—as had been the case the night before. He’d woken up to puddles all over his floor, and due to his unused fireplace, he’d shivered.
Still, it was preferable to the alternative.
“I am being cautious, that is all,” he said and shrugged.
“Is that why there’s this horrible draft?” his mother queried gently, pointing at the billowing curtains.
“I like the windows open. Is that wrong?”
“You like them open in case something happens,” she pointed out, unable to mask her judgmental tone.
Kenneth, absorbed in his solitude, responded with a brusque “If you don’t like how I run my household, you can leave.”
Undeterred by his dismissive words, she approached him with the same tender expression she’d had in the days and weeks after Edward’s death. While she’d been caught in a web of grief of her own, she’d always shown Kenneth how much he meant to her.
“If it makes you feel safer, for now, I will not chide you. I love you, Kenneth. I only want what’s best for you,” she said softly. “But you must realize that the way you are feeling now is because what happened at Almack’s reminds you of what happened in the past. You cannot allow yourself to dissolve into despair and cut yourself off from the world.”
“Mother, I cannot talk about this now. I need to do what I need to do,” he replied, exasperated.
He knew well his safety measures could not stand. They weren’t feasible long term. If anything, he’d get a reputation for being eccentric. But right now, he did not care about such things. He had become a little obsessive with keeping his home perfectly safe. Not just for himself but for his staff as well.
“All I am saying is that you ought not to shut everyone out. What about Lady Joanna? How is she? She must have had a terrible fright.”
“I have not seen her.”
“I see.” She wetted her lips. “I heard she sent messages.”
