“I’ll have to speak to Aunt Alberta,” she said. “I’ll have to see what she thinks is the wisest thing to do now. But I don’t think there is any way I’ll be able to continue on as I have been.”
“Your aunt will understand,” Charlotte said.
“I hope so,” Valeria said. “I know how eager she was to see me courted. This meant a great deal to her.”
“The fact that your first courtship isn’t working doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find someone else, though,” Charlotte pointed out. “There were other gentlemen with their eyes on you.”
Valeria nodded idly. She wasn’t sure whether that was true or not. Right now, it didn’t feel as though it mattered. She couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else. It felt like her choices were Lord Woodsford or no one at all.
“Lady Earlington saw the debt collector today, too,” Charlotte said. “She won’t want to force you into a courtship with a gentleman who has such dangerous things going on in his life. She’ll want you disengaged from him as quickly as possible.”
“But if that’s true, why would she have lied to me about what that man wanted?” Valeria said.
“It was definitely a lie?”
“She said he was amerchant.”
“And you’re absolutely certain he wasn’t, I suppose?”
“Charlotte,” Valeria said reprovingly.
“I’m sorry, Lady Valeria. I don’t mean to question you. I just wonder whether youarecertain. I wouldn’t like to see you give away a good thing—a courtship with a gentleman you truly like and admire—over something you’re not certain about. If there’s even a chance that you’re mistaken about what’s going on here, maybe it’s best for you to wait, and to make a decision after the next time you see Lord Woodsford.”
Valeria shook her head.
“When are you scheduled to see him next?” Charlotte pressed.
“In three days’ time,” Valeria said. Already, the thought of it made her sick with dread. She did not want to see Lord Woodsford, she realized. It was a surprise to understand that she felt that way about it. She knew there was still sadness and regret there. But there was also a feeling of relief that the two of them would not have to come face to face again.
She remembered the look of rage on his face as he had ejected Lord Milton from Lord Harlston’s dinner party.
Perhaps she should have known then what she was dealing with. Perhaps she should have known that he was a violent person, that he was like Richard, that he was caught up in things that would be harmful and unpleasant and that Valeria would want nothing to do with.
You don’t know that he’s violent. Nothing that’s happened today, or the last time you saw one another, was indicative of violence. Don’t turn this into more than it is.
But what it was—what she knew it to be—was more than she cared to accept. More than she would be willing to deal with.
She was going to have to speak to her aunt.
“Leave me in peace, Charlotte,” she said. “I need some time to organize my thoughts.”
Charlotte nodded. She turned and swept from the room quietly. It was one of the things Valeria appreciated most about her lady’s maid—that when Valeria wanted to be alone, Charlotte knew to leave without a word. There was never any attempt at persuading her to allow Charlotte to remain.
Valeria rose and went to her bed. She felt as though a great pit had opened in her stomach. She had taken a chance. She had put her heart on the line, allowed herself to trust, to believe that a courtship might actually work out for her.
And she had been wrong. She should never have made the attempt.
Never again. I’ll never allow a gentleman to get close to me again.
Her future stretched before her, suddenly empty and barren. She felt lonely and desperate.
And it occurred to her, horribly, that the person she most wanted to speak to in this moment wasn’t her cousin, or her lady’s maid. It was Lord Woodsford himself. He was the one who had made her feel as though she could say anything, as though she was perfectly understood.
She wanted the feeling she had at the picnic back. It had felt as familiar as regarding herself in a looking glass. But now it was gone. She would never have that feeling again, and she had only known it for such a short time. It seemed unfair that it would be ripped away from her so quickly.
Do I really have to stop seeing him?
For a moment, she entertained the idea of forgetting what she had discovered. Could she set aside the things that were disturbing her?
