“They may, My Lady,” Amelia agreed. “But you must pay them no mind if they do. Remember, I’ve been with you all Season long, and I can see no point at which you acted in a way your parents would not have approved of.”
“If anything, the problem is that I did too much of what they would approve of, isn’t it?” Esther asked.
“A problem for which you can hardly be blamed,” Amelia said. “You are young, Esther, a fact you often seem not to remember.”
“I'm notthatyoung,” Esther objected. “I’m twenty years old, Amelia, and you yourself are only four-and-twenty. You act as if you’re old enough to be my aunt sometimes, but you’re more of an elder sister.”
“That’s true,” Amelia said. “And as a servant, I have no personal experience with the challenges of being a lady. But Ihavehad my share of romantic affairs. I do know a thing or two about what that’s like. You did what you thought was right, Lady Esther. You and I discussed it many times.”
“And every time, you told me I was wrong,” Esther sighed. “I should have listened toyou, Amelia, and not to my parents. If I had, this might have ended differently.”
“You can remember that when your next suitor comes calling,” Amelia said.
Esther shook her head. “I can’t imagine being courted by anyone else," she said. “I’ll only be able to see the ways in which he doesn’t measure up.”
“You’ll get there,” Amelia said.
"I don’t know if I evenwantto get there, Amelia,” Esther said. “I thought I was mere weeks away from being married.”
“I know you did,” Amelia said sympathetically. “Marriage will happen for you, My Lady. I’ve no doubt of that.”
“Can I tell you the strangest thing of all, Amelia?”
"You can tell me anything,” her lady’s maid said. “Surely you know that, My Lady.”
Esther nodded. “I always thought I knew how I would feel when the time came for me to marry,” she said. “I thought I would feel proud. Accomplished. As if I was in control of the situation. I thought it would feel like I had mastered something.”
“And it wasn’t like that?” Amelia asked.
Esther shook her head. “Just the opposite,” she said. “I’ve never feltlessin control—of my feelings, of my future. And yet I liked it! I’ve never been happier! I would never have imagined that it would be that way.”
“You were in love,” Amelia said gently. “We all lose control of ourselves when we fall in love.”
“Well, perhaps if I’d maintained more control of myself, I wouldn’t have lost him,” Esther said.
“If you had maintained control, I doubt you would have fallen in love in the first place,” Amelia pointed out.
With a sigh, Esther buried her face in her hands. “Don’t think that I don’t see how silly I'm being," she said. “Our time together is over, and he is to marry someone else, not me.” She shook her head. “He could admire me, or he could think I’m the worst person I’ve ever known, and what difference would it really make?”
“It matters to you because you care for him, My Lady,” Amelia said quietly. “It matters because you want him to care for you. Even though you’re not to be married, his opinion probably matters more to you than anyone else’s in the world right now. It’s normal that you should feel that way.”
“But I’ll have to let that go,” Esther said firmly. She was determined to put this unfortunate incident behind her, difficult though she knew it would be to do so. “I want to find love with someone else eventually, even though it seems impossible right now.”
“That’s good, My Lady,” Amelia said encouragingly. “It’s good that you’re able to foresee a future where you’ll be able to do that.”
Esther nodded and turned to look out the window of the carriage. The truth was that it didn’t seem possible at all. It seemed like an insane daydream, like hoping that she would one day be able to fly. How could she fall in love again the way she had this time?
And do I truly even want to fall in love again, when I know that doing so would mean saying goodbye to the love I feel today?
Chapter 1
Three Months Earlier
“Esther, for goodness’ sake, stop admiring the gowns and come down to dinner!”
Esther sighed as her mother’s shrill voice cut through her fantasies. She had been imagining herself in the lavender ball gown she was currently examining, turning in the arms of an incredibly handsome but faceless gentleman.
The gowns just arrived from the seamstress’s shop this afternoon, she thought sourly.Of course I want to admire them!
