He tilted his head to one side. “You must be freezing in winter.”
She shook her head. “The servants will lay a fire in my chamber before I go to sleep, allowing it to warm. Then, before I go to bed, they extinguish it. I will remain in a room with a lit fire, although seated far away from it. But I cannot sleep in a room with a lit fire or a candle, no matter what.”
She fell silent and he watched her. He could hardly imagine what her life had to be like, living with such fear. Candles and fire were around them at all times, they were a necessity of life. To be in a constant state of apprehension and fear had to be so difficult.
“I am sorry to hear this. I had no idea.”
“No, it is I who should be sorry, my lord. I should not be telling you all of this. I should not bother you with it.”
She looked away, her eyes resting on the altar ahead once more.
“No, I am glad you are. I must say I do not know much of what happened to you. I was told only that your mother died in a fire. I only understood that you were caught in it as well when I first saw you.”
Her mouth opened in surprise. “You did not know before then? I assumed you were informed ahead of time.”
He shook his head. “Not at all. I…It is no excuse.”
“I was. My mother saved me. That is how she died.”
He swallowed, his throat feeling tight as he took in this information. He was not sure if he ought to ask her anything more, but she appeared willing to share.
“How old were you when it happened?”
“I was ten, my sister eight.”
Ten years old. What a tender age to go through such tragedy. When I was ten years old, I spent my days playing tricks on my older sisters and learning maths and globes. And she – how different her days must have been from mine after the fire.
“So very young to lose one’s mother. I am so sorry for your loss.”
She sighed and looked at the floor.
“I blame myself at times. I think of what it might have been like, had she not died the way she did. It was awful. The suffering and fear she must have felt. Sometimes I feel myself so overwhelmed by these thoughts.”
“Surely, you know that you are not to blame.”
She glanced up at him and blinked. “You do not know the circumstances, thus you cannot know if I was to blame.”
“You were a child,” he simply replied. “How could a child be to blame?”
She turned her head up and looked at the ceiling as her slim, long neck craned back. He noticed a small mole under her cheek that started just below the edge of her scar.
“My sister and I knew the wine cellar was not a place for us to play, and yet I did not deny my sister when she requested that we play there. I ought to have. I was the older sister. It was I who lit the candles so we could see. It was I who allowed her to carry a candlestick with her. It was I who did not check to make sure the flame was extinguished when she dropped it.”
He wanted to say that it sounded as though the fault was her sister’s if it was anyone’s, but he did not. It would be unkind, for Lady Sophia had been a child just the same. Neither could have foreseen such terrible circumstances.
“The flame was not out? Is that what happened?”
She sighed. “It rolled under a barrel and must have set some dry wood alight. The barrels, the beams, it all caught. It was summer and very dry. The flames spread quickly and by the time we realized what had happened, the whole wine cellar was full of smoke and we could no longer get out with ease. We struggled. Sophia was able to get out, but I was trapped by some barrels. If it weren’t for my mother and her valiant effort I would have died. Some days I wish I had.”
He swallowed both at her sentiment and at the fact she felt she could share these thoughts with him when days ago they’d been so awkward around one another.
“Do not say such things. We all have a purpose in our life. You were saved for a reason. You must always remind yourself of that. For everything in life, there is a purpose.”
“That is what my father always says. I do not often share these thoughts with him, if at all. I used to but I know it upsets him to hear how I am still tortured by these thoughts and ideas.”
She turned to him, a crooked smile on her face.
“I do not share these thoughts at all these days. They remain sealed within me. And I would appreciate it if you did not tell anyone what I shared with you today. You caught me at a vulnerable moment, and that is why I…”
