Chapter 4
The spatteringof rain that tainted the otherwise bright blue sky matched Iris’s mood exactly. It felt adept that the weather was almost the same as it had been for the past few weeks, aside from the droplets of water cascading towards the ground. Just a tiny little difference that somehow alteredeverything.
“Are you alright?” Olivia asked Iris in an unusually kind tone of voice. She stepped into Iris’s bedroom and stalked through it as if she owned the place. She had always been that way, as if it was her right as the eldest sister. “I know this must bedifficult...”
“I’m fine,” Iris snapped, while folding her arms tightly across her chest. She could not help feeling defensive because she knew that everyone was waiting for a reaction from her. This time they were not going to get it. Iris would be strong, whatever it took. “I mean, not fine really. Everything is... well, I will be okay in theend.”
“Father has died, Iris, it is okay for you to feelsomething.”
“Olivia, honestly, this is not going to be like the last time.” Iris did her best to reassure Olivia with a small smile. Her heart was bouncing, her stomach churning but she couldn’t let it show. “I can assure you that I will not fall apartagain.”
“You look lovely. Black is a good colour on you.” The seemingly random comment appeared layered with meaning, but Iris was too emotionally exhausted to bother decoding it. “We will be leaving for the church in amoment.”
With that, Olivia spun on her heels and she walked as briskly from the room as she did when she entered it. Once she was alone again, Iris let out a breath that she hadn’t even realized she was holding in. This whole day was going to be more challenging than she thought it would be. She knew the funeral would not be easy, but her emotions were already threatening to get the better ofher.
Right, Iris Warwick,she thought firmly to herself as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, examining herself critically.It is time to bestrong.
Her hair was styled into braids, she had a black veil attached to the top of her head, and her dress fell down to her knees where stockings took over and covered up the rest of her. Still, she felt as exposed and vulnerable as if she was fully nude. There were going to be alotof people at this funeral, Robert was a very well known man in society, which meant Iris couldn’t hide today, however much she wanted to. That shouldn’t matter, this was supposed to be a day to mourn her father’s passing, but she couldn’t help it. Her fears and anxiety flooded her regardless of what her rationalitysuggested.
You can do this. She tilted her chin up higher and stared definitely at herself. Say goodbye to your father, then see what will happenafterwards.
Once she had finished looking at herself, Iris pulled a black cover down over the reflective surface. She did not believe the silly notion that image of the deceased would be seen in there – after all, she had spent months searching for one last sighting of her mother – but she wanted to respect everyone else’s fears. That was also why she hadn’t stopped Daisy from stopping all the clocks. People believe it was bad luck on the day of a funeral, and that wasthat.
Much as this was a terribly sad day, there was something good to come of it. Her father had died before he could introduce her to Duke Loftus Pembroke, which could possibly put a major spinner in the plans for her betrothal. If she had not formally met him, then she couldn’t exactly marry him, could she? And now that her father was no longer around to arrange it, there was a strong chance that it could all fallapart.
Maybe she wouldn’t be forced to marry anyone afterall.
Iris didn’t allow her chin to fall, even as she walked down the stairs to join her family. She needed to remain confident and strong on the outside, even if she didn’t feel it on the inside. As expected, all eyes turned to look at her as she swept into the downstairs area of the house, and of course that set her heart alight with worry, but still, she didn't let her chindip.
Keep strong, act tough, this will not lastforever.
“Shall we leave now?” she asked, proving to everyone just how ready she was to facethis.
The church stood proudly in the center of the village. The white walls helped it to fit into the scenic English countryside, whereas the tall steeple made it stand out. It was a beautiful building, the heart of many social events, but now it was about to be shrouded in sadness. Many people preferred their funeral to be a celebration of their lives, but not Robert Warwick. He would want it to be a morose affair. That was part of the reason the service was being held in a church, rather than in the house as was typical, so that everyone who had ever known him couldattend.
A crowd had already gathered outside of the church, black clothing tainted the landscape as far as the eye could see. As the Warwick family arrived, all eyes were upon them, which instantly made Iris’s resolve wobble. She could no longer keep her head high, her eyes fixed on the shoes on her feet instead. She was still keeping strong... just in a different way. For someone who hadn’t been out in public for years and years, it took incredible strength just for her to remainupright.
Iris’s heart tightened as they stepped into the church. Before that moment, her father’s death hadn’t been as real to her as maybe it should have been, but now it hit her hard. She hadn’t seen Robert’s body, Daisy had informed her of his passing and contacted the doctor as Iris hid in her bedroom, and her sisters had dealt with the funeral plans. Iris had kept well away from all of it, and everyone else encouraged that. No one wanted her to take to her bed again because there was no telling how long it would take her to come outagain.
Maybe someone should have made her. Maybe if someone forced her out of her shell, things would be different forIris.
Before this moment, her father’s death could have all been in her mind, one of her brain’s idle fantasies, the storylines her mind created. Now though, it was happening. This was real. There was no escaping itanymore.
“Come on,” Elizabeth whispered to Iris as she gently touched her shoulder. “It will be okay, Iris. Do not worry. I am here for you, we allare.”
She sat down on the hard wooden pew next to her sister, and wrapped her hands around one another while she waited. Elizabeth placed a hand on her back, but it was too late to calm her down now. The snake of terror was coiling all through herbody.
Everyone stood and turned as the coffin was brought into the church. Iris’s eyes were in the same direction as the others but she wasn’t really looking. Her eyes blurred because they didn’t want to see, her brain switched off because she didn’t want to hear, her body remained in the church, but it was more of an empty vessel than anythingelse.
The coffin was brought to the front of the room, and the members of the congregation that wanted to see the contents of the open casket were invited to do so. It was expected of Iris as his daughter to go and look, but she didn't. She couldn't imagine anything worse than looking at her father's corpse, so she refused. She remained strong, she stayed exactly where she was. Her hairs at the nape of her neck stood to attention, Iris could feel many eyes searching for her, she felt certain that she was, even more, the center of attention than her father, but still, she stayed where shewas.
The sermon was preached, the eulogy was spoken, all the traditional funeral occurrences happened, but to Iris, it was a mere blur. She tuned much of it out, merely as a coping mechanism. She was there, but not there all thesame.
Eventually, it was time for the congregation to go outside, to watch the body being lowered into the ground. Everyone moved quickly, as if they were eager for this to be over, but Iris stayed behind just for a moment alone. She wanted to say a personal goodbye to her father just before he was finally laid to rest, but as she sat in the cold, empty room all by herself she realized that she didn’t have anything more to say tohim.
He was gone, that’s all there was toit.
The air was cool as it brushed past Iris’s cheeks. As the breeze raced over she finally noticed that her eyes were wet. She was actually crying, which came as a big surprise even to her. Maybe she didn’t have anything left to say to her father, but she did still have someemotion.
