“They’ll ask me to end the relationship though. If I don’t, they’ll have to bring charges.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek while I thought. “I have an idea though. I can’t change my name because my degrees are awarded to me but if I weren’t seen dating or even marrying Brooklyn Powers, nobody would bat an eye.” My pulse quickened mentioning my simple plan to someone outside of my head.
Ronnie’s brows lifted high on his forehead as he regarded me. “A name change? She would need to get it outside of the state,” he said.
“She’d need to get a new social security number and it would help if she became a resident of another state, then moved back to California and became a new resident with her new name and social. It could work though. It would work even better if I moved out of LA.” I looked at Ronnie and he nodded solemnly with his understanding.
“I’d miss you at work, man but…I may have something else that would help depending on where you move. I want to see to it that you and Brooklyn are happy together. I know what the rest of the world sees and thinks but I see love and I see two people that need each other.”
He had no idea how his words touched me, or maybe he did. They were exactly what I needed to hear. They gave me a renewed sense of strength.
Like I’d said all along, Brook and I would have to jump through hoops but I would have the happy life we wanted and the life we deserved. We’d been through enough grief and sorrow.
**
Brooklyn…
I was numb after Caesar told me I lost a baby that I didn’t even know I had growing inside of me. I wanted to be mad at something or someone and I was finally tired of beating myself up. The alternative wasn’t better though because it meant I beat up Cease.
It meant I pushed him away and shut him out for the three days I was in the hospital. It meant he sat in silence day after day at my bedside, holding my hand while I slept and making sure the nurses did what they were supposed to do for me. I watched the man I love do everything he could for me and I couldn’t crack my mouth open to say a single word to him.
I didn’t know what to say.
It was my fault our baby was gone. A baby with Caesar was all I ever wanted. Because I let the water win, I lost something so precious. I was determined never to let the water win again.
That was the only good part that came of my attempted suicide. It was my rock bottom. It was the darkest place I’d ever been in and I never wanted to go back.
Yes, the Live Stream the Loser challenge Ashley recorded went viral being shared over two million times. Yes, I had to see myself for a week straight on the news over and over again moments before I sliced my wrists open. Yes, online I had to actually witness myself slashing my arms until I was soaking in my own blood. The sharing was so bad that the government stepped in and removed the video from Facebook, Instagram, and all the other platforms. It still lived on though. Nothing ever dies on the internet.
Except for me.
Over and over.
Even with all the drama and heartache, I didn’t want to cut.
I hated the way my arms looked more than ever after the gruesome cuts I dealt were sewn back up. It would be months before my hands were back to normal…or as normal as they would ever be.
I’d never be a painter or surgeon and I’d never be a famous pianist for sure but I’d still be able to write and cook. I still didn’t want to cut.
There’s something life-changing about seeing yourself die and knowing you killed something innocent in the process of selfishness. Nothing would ever make me cut again.
**
Walking into the house after almost dying was a sobering experience. My stomach knotted when I went into the bedroom and saw where the blood had been scrubbed. Faint red spots marked the brown carpet.
That’s where I hit rock bottom. That’s where I lost my baby. That’s where I lost a part of myself. I shut my eyes and sat on the bed, willing the tears not to fall.
It didn’t matter how many times I passed that spot, I remembered the hopeless feeling of sinking. I remembered feeling like nothing mattered and that I was alone in the world. My mind spun wildly out of control. It warped into something unrecognizable.
The shame that invaded my thoughts was sharp and wicked. I wanted to speak to Cease as the days started to pass but I still couldn’t find my words. I couldn’t talk to him and I could tell he was dying inside without me. He tossed and turned night after night. He was always so far away and I wondered what he was thinking but I didn’t know how to ask.
A part of me was afraid to hear him say that he was upset with me. He told me it wasn’t my fault but how could it not be? My hands made the cuts. My mind produced the thoughts. I wanted to die.
Thursday night, when I couldn’t sleep for the fourth night in a row, I sat up and stared at Caesar. He was tossing and turning…again. He was so restless without me.
A wave of emotion knocked against my fractured heart and my lips trembled. I reached a shaky hand out to touch his shoulder and he became still immediately. Even in his sleep, he needed me. I slid closer to him, closing the gap of space between us and letting my legs slide between his.
A rumble started in his chest and his muscular arm locked around my waist. I was his even during his slumber. I slid my palm along his jaw and sucked in a breath. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved him more than I loved life evidently.
My heart thumped in my throat. Caesar was the most beautiful human being. He was my human being. Why did anything else matter? I was his and he was mine.
