Nitroglycerin?
I picked up another bottle and eyed it. Aspirin. Another bottle was for something I couldn’t pronounce. When the fuck did my dad start taking all those medicines?
He was always fine. He never told me anything about doctor appointments or pills. My ribs turned to bands of cement. They refused to let my lungs fill with air.
The water was back. I choked back a whimper and hurried to set the bottles up the way they were before. I was there to find Cease’s keys, not snoop. I picked up a medium-sized wooden box to look behind it and the top slid off.
My chest tightened when I saw what was inside. Razors. I picked them up and cradled them in my palm. Dad stashed my razors in a box on his dresser. I thought he threw them away.
Maybe he didn’t get a chance. I wet my lips with my tongue and tried to steady the erratic knock of my heart. My fingers shook as I inched my sleeve back. Water swallowed me. I could have called out for Cease. He would have come running. He would have pushed the water away.
Instead, I pushed the sharp tip of the razor into my flesh and watched blood bead at the puncture.
Fuck.
It felt so good.
I sighed softly and deepened the cut. My breathing came out in ragged puffs that made my shoulders tremble. My stomach quivered with the threat of being caught and the back of my neck prickled with nerves.
I watched the blood roll down my wrist and collect in all the creases before I snapped my eyes shut. Smooth bliss fell over me. The moment was sweet like butterscotch.
For a moment I was free. I wasn’t drowning.
“Brook, you okay?” Cease’s deep voice was a siren signaling a flood of shame. With my ears on fire and my breathing labored, I stumbled into my dad’s bathroom.
“Um, Y-Yeah. I’m okay!” I shouted over the rushing water. I stared at the way my blood diluted then ran quickly down the drain before I pressed a paper towel to the cut to stop the blood flow. I tore another paper towel from the roll and wrapped the razors inside before shoving them in my pocket.
On the way out of my dad’s bedroom, I found Caesar’s keys on the nightstand and grabbed them. “Found them,” I said. I had to force a smile when I wanted to do the opposite. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I hadn’t cut since Cease started staying with us. I didn’t have to when he was around. I was weak staring at my razors though.
Weak and stupid.
The throb in my arm sank down to the bone. Each pulse was a reminder of my stupidity.
Bile crept up the back of my throat threatening to exit my mouth. My fake smile was the only thing keeping me from falling to scraps. Caesar’s eyes pinned me to my spot. It was like he was looking right through to my truth and I hated it. How could one look from him paint me with regret? I should have never cut.
It felt good though. It was such a relief. I tapped my lips with curled knuckles then pulled my sleeve between my lips. “What’s the matter?” Cease asked, his brows lowered on his forehead.
“Nothing. Just ready to go.” I could taste the subtle metallic blooms from my cut when I nibbled on my sleeve and sick me liked it. I was so fucking weird.
“Okay…let’s go beautiful,” Cease smiled at me even though I could tell he didn’t believe shit I said. I was too fucking strange for him to call me beautiful but dammit if it didn’t warm me to my toes.
Sitting beside Caesar in his car made me giddy. For a while, it kept the shame and guilt of cutting at bay. I loved being around him. His presence meant the world to me.
He obliged me and put on Hall and Oates while we drove and he even sang along with a couple songs. I used the opportunity to steal glances at him. His profile was so handsome.
I wanted to reach out and touch the chocolate stubble scattered on his jaw. The urge was strong as fuck. I fisted my hands and rubbed my knuckles on my jeans turning my gaze away from him.
So fucking sick, Brooklyn. He’s your uncle and you’re crushing on him hard as shit.
There was nothing wrong with a crush though. I didn’t have to act on it. It could stay in my head like a secret.
When we pulled up to the realtor’s office, Caesar helped me out of the car and put his huge hand on the small of my back as we walked. I felt it through my shirt and my hoodie. My skin blazed like fucking lava when he touched me there.
“Dr. Powers, so nice to see you again.” When I saw the realtor with her shiny black heels and perfect clothes, I hated that I chose to wear a hoodie and jeans. I hated that my hair looked wild and not sleek like hers. I hated that she could wear short sleeves and show off her unscarred arms.
I forced my stare to the floor and looked at my Converse as we walked along. Why did Cease always call me beautiful? Why? I caught a glimpse of my too skinny, too tall self as we walked past a window and I wanted to shrink and vanish.
