Nothing had been sacred.
Every word, every laugh, every moan…recorded. Every whisper against her skin. Every fucking heartbeat. Just a part of her mission.
“Goddamn you,” I muttered, voice raw. “Goddamn you, woman.”
I slammed my fist into the table before me, the mics jumping from the impact. Before I could stop myself, I rose and threw the whole table against the wall. Still, it wasn’t enough. Not nearly. I sank back onto the couch, elbows on my knees, and buried my face in my hands.
“I loved you,” I whispered to no one. “I fucking loved you.”
*
After the debriefing, I had been all but been dragged to a surprise interview with a local news station. I had protested, using every excuse in the book to get out of it. My pleas fell on deaf ears. So, there I was. In my crisp, carefully pressed uniform. Lieutenant Hartwell had thought to surprise me with it. My hair back to its true auburn, my eyes no longer brown but a vivid green. I had hesitated to take out my contacts, to redo my hair.
But I wasn’t her anymore. I had to.
I couldn’t help but tug uncomfortably at my sleeves. Part of me longed for a certain someone’s black leather jacket. Or my comfy slip-on sneakers. I was zoned out when the news anchor turned to me, asking a question I’d barely registered. Lieutenant Hartwell gently nudged me forward. I had once been proud of my badge, but now it felt like it was going to drag me down. When the lady kept talking about me like I had personally brought down the DiAngelos, I felt physically sick.
“They’re the heroes, not me,” I’d said. God knows, it wasn’t me.
Hartwell offered me a ride home, but there was only one place I actually wanted to go. That wasn’t an option, so I opted for the next best thing. Shelly had picked me up at the airport, bringing me to the precinct, and since then, I had been staying at a hotel. However, the thought of being alone now made me feel sick. Thankfully, she hadn’tmoved and, when I knocked on her apartment door, she opened it a second later. I didn’t say a word, just couldn’t. Just collapsed into my best friend’s arms and sobbed. Shelly held me tightly, arms strong and grounding. She had been my rock before I went under, and she still was. She didn’t even seem to mind as I soaked her shirt. Instead, she just joked, “Jesus, KitKat. So much for the emotionally suppressed cop you used to be.”
I let out a shaky laugh through her tears, the old nickname bringing back fond memories. I hiccupped and said, “I screwed everything up, Shelly. Like, bad.”
“Like worse than that one time you forgot to park the shop and it rolled downhill into a roadside fruit stand bad?”
“Worse.”
“Well, damn.” Shelly raised her eyebrows and pulled me down the hall towards her kitchen. “C’mon. You’re a mess. Tell me what’s got you all in your head like this.”
Ten minutes later, we were curled up on Shelly’s worn couch—I had borrowed a pair of sweats and an old Georgia State sweater. With a blanket over my shoulders and a full glass of cabernet in my hands, I tried to figure out where to start. Shelly sat across from me, legs crossed and holding a glass of her own. She waited patiently, not rushing or pressuring me.
Eventually, I decided the best place to start was the most obvious place. At the beginning. I told her everything. Every feeling, every thought, every decision. Every second. Every fucking mistake.
“I loved them,” I said quietly. “I still love them. Both of them. So much it hurts.”
Shelly didn’t flinch, just refilled our glasses with the last of the wine. “I knew that part already. ”
I blinked at her. “Huh?”
“I’m your best friend, and I like to think I am of moderate intelligence. The look on your face the first time you mentioned ‘the brothers’ was practically glowing. I justdidn’t realize it wasbothbrothers. Damn. Go big or go home, huh?”
I gave her a weak smile, then rubbed my eyes. “Well, to be fair, go home wasn’t really an option, but it’s not like I set out to fall in love with either of them—let alone both of them. There was just something about them… Shelly, I wish you could meet them. You and Dalton are so much alike. But you’ll probably never get the chance. ‘Cos when they find out who I really am on the news… I didn’t even say goodbye properly. I left a note. Like a coward. The thought of facing them, of saying goodbye… Shit, they must hate me. I would. So I ran.”
Shelly tilted her head. “Classic emotionally repressed cop move.”
I laughed, sounding slightly hysterical, and then immediately started crying again.
Shelly scooted closer and grabbed my hand. “Look, I’m not gonna bullshit you. You broke their trust. But you also risked everything to save kids no one else was looking for. When you left for the assignment, we had been on the case of those poor girls and didn’t have a single fucking lead. You took what was basically the only shot we, you, had at taking the DiAngelos down. And from what you told me? You didn’t just fall in love while playing a part. You became the part, becameher, but the real you was always in there.”
I looked down. “But I walked away. I chose the badge. Over them. There’s no going back from that.”
“Did you? Choose the badge?” Shelly said. “Or did you follow the orders and bury your heart like they trained us to? Because, hon… I think your heart’s been screaming at you for months. And you’ve always been a bit hard of hearing.”
“What if I go back and they slam the door in my face?”
“Then you keep knocking,” Shelly said simply. “Because love like that? That doesn’t die so easy. Andbadge or no badge, you’re still the woman who saved lives. Still the woman they fell in love with. Mostly. Ish.” She hesitated, her brow furrowed. “Okay, it’s complicated and more than a little confusing. But now you’ve got this opportunity to finally have something real. Something you don’t have to… feel guilty about, or whatever. And maybe you could still help people. Sounds like Mac and Dalton aren’t the type to just stop being heroes. Be the Robin to their Batman. Their sexy, badass Robin. And maybe, not only help even more than you did before, but also have a shot at being happy.”
I swallowed hard, processing her words. “But I wouldn’t be a cop.”