I reached for a fluffy pink bunny and ran my hand over the soft velvet ears, setting it on the bed before following Maria to the other rooms.
“You’re worried,” I stated plainly, making sure the room was practically spotless.
Maria busied herself setting a couple of toy trucks on the dresser, seemingly determined to position them just right. But then she sighed and turned to me. “I’m trying to pretend this is just like any other trip they’ve taken.”
“But it’s not, is it?”
She didn’t bother to answer, just walked to the next room with me right behind her. We repeated the same actions there—me, fiddling with the bed, and her carefully placing a couple of Barbie dolls on the nightstand. She held one of the Barbies up and said, “It’s kids, Nicky. They’ve never messed with kids. And I fucking hate myself for wishing they would just… not risk it. Not go after the people who need them most. But—” She broke off, and her lower lip wobbled. “I don’t want to bury my husband, or tellourchildren that their daddy isn’t coming home. This is so much more dangerous. Does that make me selfish? I don’t know.” A tear slid down her cheek, and as I moved closer to her, I noticed the puffy redness under her makeup.
“You are the leastselfish person I know,” I said, hugging my friend as best I could around the armful of toys she still carried. She sniffled. “I know I am still kind of new at this. You’ve watched Diego leave on I don’t know how many assignments or missions or whatever you want to call them. But you’ve watched him come home too, right? Every time. Him and Jackson, Mac, and Dalton. They’re really good at this. We just gotta stick together and hold the fort down until they get back.”
My words sounded braver than I felt in that moment, but earned me a watery smile.
“You are damn right. Our boys are lean, mean fighting machines.”
I looked up to find Holly lingering in the hallway just outside the door. She smiled at me when our eyes met but, like Maria’s and I’m sure my own, there was a shadow of worry on her face.
Not usually a touchy person, she still leaned in to hug us both and said, “It’ll be okay. It always is. We’ll get this stuff set up for the kids, give ‘em some see-ya-later loving, and then go steal Mac’s good whiskey and find a place to hide away for the night.”
I winked at her. “I know where he keeps the best stuff. And where Dalton keeps his favorite snacks.”
Maria chuckled, and Holly grabbed the toys from her. “Then we better get this done quick.”
We finished prepping the rooms—setting out toys, fluffing pillows, wiping down every surface like our lives depended on it—then headed downstairs. The lounge was unusually quiet, just the guys huddled around a table in the back, whispering over a blueprint that stretched from edge to edge. I scanned it quickly, trying to find a name or location or anything, but the paper was frustratingly blank other than the outlines of walls and doors. Frowning at it, I let Dalton pull me into him and switched my focus to the people gathered around the table. Maria sat on Diego’s knee, his hand reassuringly placed on the small of her back. Holly stood behind Jackson, her arm drapedover his shoulder as she leaned over him. He reached up to hold her hand, and I smiled a little when she intertwined her fingers with his.
I leaned further into Dalton, and he pressed a kiss on top of my head. Part of me was still torn between duty and desire, but I was starting to accept that my love for them wasn’t something I could control. No matter how heavy it made my badge feel. I just hoped like hell they could find a way to forgive me when this was all said and done. Mac stood across from his brother, and he rolled up the blueprint before taking a seat. Words weren’t necessary—he said everything he needed to say with the way his eyes seemed to devour me. I smiled at him and, for a minute, the room was quiet. For once, the room was empty except for our group.
I broke the silence almost reluctantly. “Is it just you four going?”
Mac nodded. “Small groups get in and out faster and quieter.”
I knew that from my own experiences. But I also knew there was safety in numbers. “Can I ask a question?” I glanced at Dalton, then back at Mac, who gestured for me to continue. “One, you’re obviously doing this to bring down Silas, right? But also the DiAngelos? And save some kids? But somehow not get arrested yourselves? With no military training, or any other training to speak of?”
Dalton pulled me closer to him. “That was a lot of questions, Vixen.”
I frowned. I needed the details for reasons they couldn’t know, but I was also freaking worried about the idiots. Honestly, I had no idea how they hadn’t been arrested or killed yet.
Before I could open my mouth again, Dalton said, “I was wondering when you would start speaking up. I could see those wheels turning in your head every other time we’ve left.”
Jackson spoke up. “I was a Marine, actually. Eons ago.”
I cocked my head at him. “Really? How old are you?”
“I’m 32—I joined right out of high school. I was no G.I. Joe, but I knew enough, and was good enough, that I could teach these guys everything I was taught. It’s worked out pretty well for us. And it’s nice knowing that the guys who have my back aren’t complete idiots.”
Diego threw a book at Jackson, who caught it with the hand that wasn’t still holding Holly’s. I felt Dalton chuckle, and even Mac grinned a little.
“Also, we never kill. That’s a no-go.” I switched my attention back to Dalton, then glanced at Maria and Holly who seemed unfazed by the conversation, like they already knew all of this. Which, to be fair, they probably did. “We go in, we disable, we leave. Then a local precinct gets a nice little anonymous call, and finds a bunch of lowlifes all gift-wrapped for them.”
I blinked, then pulled a chair over to sit down as I processed what I’d heard. I’d been told that the Steel Saints were a bunch of gun-toting, drug-running, bloodthirsty criminals. After barely any time with them, I’d realized this wasn’t true outside of Silas and his merry band of assholes. I learned that not only were they not the villains the FBI had painted them to be, they were inherently good. I couldn’t deny that it made me love them all the more. They weren’t literal saints—and maybe they were still shy of being heroes—but they were men who risked their lives to make the world a better place. Totally unprotected by a badge or title. To me, that not only counted for something—but was everything.
“You see why we love them?” Holly gave me a knowing look. “Do we want to tie them down to the nearest radiator every time they leave? Absolutely. But who would we be to stop them from following their hearts and making this world a little bit less of a hellhole?” She leanedforward to kiss Jackson, and he turned his head so his lips could meet hers.
I couldn’t help but yearn for that kind of love, that kind of devotion, but I wasn’t sure if that was ever going to be in the cards for me. Dalton cracked some joke to ease the tension, and I tried to relax to the sound of their familiar banter.
After a bit, I excused myself and headed towards the bathroom. I saw Mac get up and follow me, but I pretended not to notice until we were alone. In the hallway, I turned to him and he grabbed me by the hips as I tilted my face up for a kiss. His lips were warm and welcoming, the kiss slow and sweet. Loving him was like diving in the world’s deepest pool, and if I never came up for air… well, what a lovely way to go.
Reluctantly, I pulled back, and I searched those blue eyes for the answers I knew I could always find there. We both had fought so hard not to fall in love. But, in the end, it turned out walls were just not something our two hearts were willing to have between us.
