If I’d told Micah right away, would things have been different? Could Hayden and I have been different? And then the biggest question of all… If I could do it over again, would I change anything?
It was easy to ponder what-ifs, but when all was said and done, I wouldn’t trade the past two years for anything. No matter what happened today, I would always treasure the time I’d spent being a part of the secret order, the months I got to be with Hayden, the friendships and love I’d received.
I stacked all the books I’d borrowed from Micah in a pile on the desk in my bedroom turned office and sewing room. I wasn’t sure if I should bring them with me tonight. I’d have to give them back to Micah at some point, and I had no idea how things were going to play out at dinner tonight.
Would I be coming back here again?
Micah had implied that he didn’t want to kick me out of the secret order or strip me of my heavenly fire, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. Micah was bound by rules and laws. He couldn’t just do whatever he wanted.
Once I was sure I’d gathered all the books, I headed outside to the large balcony that offered a view of the river. There were a few chairs and small tables out there, but I ignored them, walking to the glass railing that wrapped around the balcony.
I stared out at the river, debating what I should say tonight. I didn’t want to miss anything or have this comeout wrong. I needed everyone to know that I never wanted to lie to them, but at the same time I knew keeping all those secrets had been selfish. I hadn’t wanted to admit to my family the trouble I’d gotten into. I hadn’t wanted to face Hayden when he learned that I wasn’t human. And the longer I lied to everyone, the harder it was to come clean.
“Sunday School?” Hayden’s voice called from somewhere inside.
“Out here,” I shouted back, and a second later he was standing next to me.
“What are you doing?”
“Just trying to collect my thoughts. What time is it?”
He checked the thick watch on his wrist. “Almost five. We should probably go in a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
He leaned over to kiss my cheek, but I turned at the last second so his lips landed on mine. There wasn’t even a second of hesitation before Hayden deepened the kiss, his tongue stroking my lips softly before slipping inside and tangling with mine. He tasted like coffee and just a hint of something stronger.
His hands dove into my hair, angling my head so he could deepen the kiss further. He kissed me with a desperation that matched mine, like he too knew that things would be different after tonight and didn’t want to waste a second of our time now.
When we finally pulled apart, it wasn’t far, our foreheads still plastered together. Both of us were breathing hard, and my heart pounded like it was trying to come out of my chest and jump into his.
Did the heart have some kind of sixth sense for when it was about to be broken? Did mine know it should abandon ship?
“Any chance we can bail tonight?” Hayden asked half-heartedly.
“I wish.” I wanted nothing more than to let him carry me to our bed and hide in his arms, where I never had to face the world, where I could pretend my house of cards wasn’t seconds from falling. “But I don’t think abandoning both our families is the best idea.”
“They’ll survive.”
“You know they’d just show up here, right?”
He sighed. “Probably. We could pretend not to be home.”
I laughed. “You’re terrible.”
“Maybe. Or maybe I just want my beautiful wife all to myself for the night. I don’t like sharing you with all our siblings, and don’t even get me started on my mother. Sometimes I think she couldn’t care less about me as long as you’re there.”
“That is not true.”
“She doesn’t have coffee dates with me.”
“That’s because you say no every time she invites you to do something.”
“Tomayto, tomahto.”
“Come on.” I rolled my eyes and pushed him back gently. “We need to go. I don’t want your family to get there before us.”
“Fine. But for the record, if this turns into a shit show, I voted we bail.”
