Her words slice into me, and I cross my ankles, turning and tucking my feet a little beneath the sofa.
“It could have. I was under his watch, if you want to call it that, when Max died.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Then I let it out and open my eyes. “When he was murdered by Demyan’s enemies.”
“Alina—”
“I know it wasn’t something Demyan could have foreseen. And he couldn’t have stopped it. But I can play the what-if game I’m sure he’s playing right now. What if Demyan wasn’t bratva? What if he didn’t have certain enemies? What if he’d set up tighter security? Had armed guards? Made Max wear a bulletproof vest? What if we’d run off, dyed our hair, changed our names, and eloped? What if, what if, what if?”
She takes a sip of water as I grip my cold, now-slick glass.
“I guess my point is, no matter what the what-if, something might have happened. I could have been kidnapped if Max lived by an enemy of Demyan’s. This is an imperfect world, full of pain, and you know how much I loved Max. Still love him. But I’ve found some happiness. More than I ever thought, and my heart… It’s ready, ready to open up.”
A series of barks erupt on the other side of the door, and Erin gets up and cracks it open, letting Albert pour himself in. He jumps onto the sofa to put his paws on my legs, and he looks at me and then anxiously at Erin. Then he sighs and puts his head down.
“Sasha’s so going to want a dog. And a cat.” She smiles at me. “Thing is, this didn’t happen on Demyan’s watch, so it makes it easier to focus his anger, his hurt, on something that, to him, is safe.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, Alina, that to Demyan, if he blames Ilya for being incompetent, and for you being in danger, then he can ignore the real issue.” She pets Albert. “You know your brother as well as I do, and I remember your advice tome. Demyan’s set in his ways. He’s changing, but he’ll never change that much, and to him, admitting he’s hurt makes him weak.”
“He’s mad I didn’t tell him about the deal I made with Ilya—I talked him into marrying me.”
She shakes her head. “You sort of have it, but he’s hurt you didn’t tell him. He’s hurt Ilya didn’t. He can’t fathom why he never knew about you two before this. And here’s the crux,. I’m sure a part of him could see what you meant to Ilya, but to Demyan, you needing him is important. To Demyan, him keeping you safe is a way to try to make up for his shortcomings with your wedding. He blames himself for a lot. He’s awful with emotions?—”
“Not with you.”
“And normally not with you. But you remember the hell he put both him and me through at the start of us?”
I rub my temple. “Yes.”
“Demyan will come around. He loves you, and he loves Ilya. But he feels betrayed.”
I think about this for a bit, and I know she’s right. That’s Demyan, shoving one set of emotions that don’t fit into accepted boxes into ones he does accept.
Ilya failed. We lied. I’m in danger.
Those are just the boxes. Not the emotions.
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I didn’t think I’d find happiness with Ilya. I mean, I knew I’d be happy spending time with him. We’re close and great friends. And Ilya’s so easy to be around. I didn’t expect the change in how I felt. I didn’t expect to find out Ilya has feelings for me. I never, ever expected to click in that magical way again with someone.”
I look at Albert, who sighs and wags his tail in lazy swishes.
“But I did. And now, to appease Demyan, I have to let that go.”
She frowns. “You love him? Really love him? Ilya, I mean?”
After a moment’s hesitation—not because I’m unsure, but because it’s a big deal to admit—I nod.
“I want to see him, Erin. I need to. Just to talk, to hold. That’s all. I want to work out what we’re going to do. I can’t make the decision to please Demyan and crush Ilya, or be happy with Ilya and hurt my brother without talking to Ilya. Maybe he has a solution. Maybe?—”
“Demyan shouldn’t be the one to dictate anything or make you choose. It’s not fair.”
I swallow. “Can…can you help me tonight? I want Ilya to come here to see me. I can’t go to him because the bodyguard will stop me.”
Erin seems to think about it and my breath catches as my heart squeezes. It’s one thing for her to say Demyan shouldn’t do this or that, like it’s one thing for her to offer a little help. But it’s another to do it.
My brother doesn’t take kindly to betrayal. This isn’t that, but Demyan… He’s come a long way, but there’s still more of his path for him to travel.
Erin nods and looks up at me, eyes big, calm. She’s made her decision.
