“If Russel hadn’t just shredded your heart, you wouldn’t have evenbeendistracted.”
“I should have been able to do my job.”
“While you had all those hurt feelings bottled up inside you? Nobody should have to endure that kind of pain alone, sweetheart.” Her own father was AWOL in the biggest heartbreak of her life. Sure, he’s a big-shot football coach and okay, and maybe he deserves a little R&R with his new wife, but when his daughter is in need, he shows up. That’s how it works.
“You needed time and space and the comfort of your dad or at least a friend to help you hang in there. Instead, you pushedthrough and went to work. Stepped into a role caring for others when what you needed was someone to take care ofyou.” I rub her shoulder in slow circles while I wait for this to sink in. But she’s quiet. “Believe it or not, I can relate.”
She exhales a quiet sigh. “You mean…what happened with you and Kelly?”
“Yeah.” I comb through her hair again. “I wanted to go right back to work. Be with my crew. But walking inside the station and facing everyone…I wasn’t prepared for the shame…” I close my eyes and ground myself in the weight of Meg’s body, her warmth radiating into me. “It ate me alive.”
She curls her arm tighter around me.
“It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep before a shift, and when I was there, I ran myself ragged, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings. Deal with the hurt and this horrible sense of failure. Scotty pulled me aside, told me that if I didn’t get my head right, he’d tell the chief that I was unfit for work.” A memory of my friend’s sincere gaze and steady presence while I fought the most powerful urge to destroy flickers to life inside my mind. It’s a miracle I didn’t react with my fists.
“He was right, though. And I’m grateful he stood up to me. He must have tipped off Everett, because he and my dad told me to take time off. I thought they were crazy. Time off because I couldn’t get my shit together? It made me feel so…weak. Like such a fucking coward. What if I just spiraled deeper? What if I never went back to the job I loved? Who was I if I couldn’t serve the community that had embraced me with open arms, given me a second chance at life?”
“You were putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself.”
I kiss the top of her head. “Sound familiar?”
She huffs an annoyed grunt. I think she knows I’m right, but it’s so hard to forgive ourselves.
I roll us so we’re on our sides, facing each other, and caress hercheek with the backs of my fingers. “It was hard stepping back, but there was so much relief, too. I rode with Dad and helped him with his herd. I spent time with Greta, doing whatever she wanted. I went for long runs in the mountains. I put an offer on the A-frame and made plans to fix it up. I hired a divorce lawyer and with his and my family’s help, I figured out a way forward. I used up every bit of my banked sick leave, and those three months were the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself. Hard as hell, but I leaned on my family and friends, and they helped me through it. When I came back to my crew, I was ready.”
A tear trickles down her cheek. “So I should take time off and what, go hiking?”
“That’s your takeaway?” I laugh, wiping her cheek with the pad of my thumb. “My point is this: nobody should be expected to carry on the way you did after such a terrible blow. Yet you did. And yes, something unfortunate happened, and it was awful. But that accident could have happened even on your best day. It could have happened to anyone.”
“So I just forget it happened?”
“No.” I fold her hair behind her ear. “You give yourself permission to feel. What Russel did to you was terrible, and it hurt you deeply. You deserve to take as much time and employ whatever resources you need to heal those wounds.” I press a kiss to her forehead, inhaling her subtle scent all the way into my chest. “I’m sorry you were alone with this for so long. Carrying this blame. It’s heavy, sweetheart. Too heavy for one person.”
Her deep sigh is like the first beam of sunlight cresting over the horizon after a long, dark night.
She gazes up at me. “Why did you come over?”
It’s such a simple question, and after cracking open my heart for her just moments ago, one would think it would be easy to say. I swallow the jagged, unruly emotions pumping into my throat,and sink deeper into the feel of her beside me. “Because I missed you.”
Her eyes flutter closed, and she kisses me. Our lips touch just long enough for my pulse to start skipping and my skin to crave the warmth of her body against me.
“I missed you too,” she says, caressing under my shirt. The touch of her smooth fingertips on my spent muscles warms me from the base of my spine all the way up to the back of my neck, where the little hairs prickle to attention.
I missed you.
Such a simple phrase, but my heart is like a helium balloon inside my chest.
“You still want to be alone tonight?” I caress up the smooth rise of her hip, then across her lower back.
“No.” She shifts closer to me. “Stay.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I tuckbeneath her t-shirt to stroke her bare skin, memorizing the gentle curve of her spine, the warmth and softness of her skin.
“I’ve missed touching you,” I say, caressing the back of her neck, beneath her silky hair. “Holding you.”
“I missed touching you too.” She slips her fingers under the cuff of my t-shirt, the glide of her fingertips making my skin erupt in gooseflesh that walks all the way down my ribs to my belly. I can’t help the acceleration of my pulse or the pinpricks of desire lighting up my core. I caress all the way down, over her cotton panties to the backs of her thighs. She rocks her hips ever so slightly, like she needs friction.
