“Isuspect you’ve had those same doubts, and you’ve had the same experience of believing evidence that isn’t true.”Hereyes have been on me through the whole story, but her gaze turns fierce as she says, “ButI’mhere to tell you that those doubts aren’t the truth.Youwere worthy of unfathomable love as a child, and you are worthy of unfathomable love right now.Forwho you are.Forwho you were.Forwho you will be.Allof it.Forall of you.”
Tearsare streaming down my face, falling off my cheeks onto my lap.ThenEvelynLancaster, my role model and idol, wraps her arms around me in a hug.Sheholdsme tight and doesn’t let go even as my tears are wetting her shirt.
Somany emotions are running through me thatIcan’t even make sense of all of them.AllIreally know is that right now,I’mbeing hugged by a mother figure.Andthat she believesI’mworthy of unfathomable love.Mysobs are quiet, but they’ve turned audible, and still, she holds me tight.Isoak it all in.
Shecontinues to hold me until she can tellI’mokay.
Ithank her.Shetells me that she’s glad she’s gotten a chance to work with me, and that she’s proud of me.Icry some more.I’mnot sureI’vecried a single other time in my adult life, and nowI’vecried twice in two days.Bothtimes because of what aLancasterthatIfiercely admire has said to me.
Asthe director is getting ready to leave,Irealize there’s one more questionIneed to ask her.She’stold meI’mworthy of love.Butshe hasn’t told me if, whenLedgersays that he loves me, that he’s right.AndIcan’t think of the words to use to ask that in a way that doesn’t sound likeI’mactually asking,So…Doyou think your son might be lying about being in love with me?ButIhave to know before she leaves.Thewords that end up coming out are simply, “AndLedger?”
Shelooks at me in a way that tells me that she understands whatI’mreally asking.Thenshe smiles.Shepauses a beat before saying, “Thatis a beautiful necklace.I’venoticed that you wear it almost all the time.”
Ireach up to touch it, and instead of just feeling the locket between my thumb and finger, likeIused to,Iam already in the habit of touching it with two fingers, one on each pendant. “Always,”Isay.
“Ibet it’s so familiar to you that if it was on a table with a few others that looked very similar, you’d have no problem recognizing the real one.”
Inod. “Easily.”
“Ledgerhas spent his entire life being surrounded by love.It’sa familiar enough emotion to him that he can easily recognize when what he is feeling is the real thing.Ifhe says he loves you, you can trust that he does.”
CHAPTER 33
HIGH-STAKES HIDE AND SEEK
LEDGER
Miles,Jace, andIdrive to the airport together.Idon’t know what it is, exactly, but there’s more of a buzz of excitement in the air when leaving on a trip while it’s still dark.Maybeit’s because most of the rest of the world is still asleep, so it feels more like something big and secret is about to go down.
Notthat any of our missionsaren’ta secret.
Likethe other operatives, we step onto the plane thirty minutes early. “Ifyou’re not early, you’re late” is pretty much the motto of every intelligence agency.I’venever done a big operation like this with theCIA, so this is my first time on aCIAjet.It’snot the luxury jet of the ambassador’s that we flew toDublinon but it’s not exactly coach, either.It’smore whatIimagine professional sports teams fly to games in.NotthatIhave any idea what kind of jets sports teams fly on.Butthe seats are bigger, and so are the aisles and storage space.
Istow my gear and start chatting with the eight operatives on the extraction team and the six on the distraction team as they are doing the same.Wemight not be working directly together, but we’re all working the same mission.Whatwe do will directly affect one another, so it’s good to get to know each other.Besides, you never know when you might cross paths again.It’sgood to have friends everywhere.Imake friends with the crew of the plane, too.
Ihad hoped to talk toZoebefore takeoff.Sheis here, but somehow in this small space,Ican’t seem to cross paths with her, strange as it seems.Everyonestarts taking their seats whileI’mdistracted by a conversation with someone from the (aptly named) distraction team about the best way to create diversions, which means thatIdon’t get a chance to sit right next toZoe.Weare on the same row, at least, but there is an aisle and another operative separating us.Webarely get a chance to say “Hi” before the flight attendant gets on the intercom.
She’sdressed in a pantsuit, and says, “Goodmorning and welcome aboard this flight toMontenegro.Ifwe let you on the plane, then, well, you’re on the right flight.Fastenyour seatbelts and use this time to review your mission briefings, which should be hitting your in-boxes right about now.”
Ipull out my tablet, connect to the wifi, and sure enough, the mission briefing is waiting for me.Itmostly has information about theFortressofDormitorthat is public knowledge, along with a detailed list of our objectives.Nothingtoo exciting yet.
Ikeep hoping to get a moment to chat withZoeacross the aisle, but she sleeps when everyone else sleeps and looks out the window, deep in thought, when she isn’t.
Sleepdoesn’t come easy, but on a ten-hour flight when the people around you sleep, there aren’t a lot of other things to do.Bythe time we land,I’mawake, alert, and ready to get this party started.
Aswe step off the plane, a new briefing package lands in our in-boxes with information that the surveillance team on the ground here sent to the analysts back home.Thisone contains things like schematics, where the entrances to the fortress are, which ones are most feasible for entry, where guards are stationed, and guard movements.
Theguys already on the ground here got us fourSUVs— silver, white, and dark blue ones, notFBIblack, thank heavens.Myteam got a silver one, andIjoke that they should’ve given us gold because we are going to do a gold-medal job on this operation.Thedrivers are all part of the surveillance team, too, which means that not only do they know the way from here to the forest and from the forest to the staging area near the fortress, but they know about all the obstacles along the way.
Itake a seat right next toZoein theSUV.Shesmells and looks great, even after traveling so many hours.Iwant to tell her how amazing she is, how muchIlove every secondI’maround her, and how muchIlove her.Iwant to cup her face with my hands and kiss her until both of us are gasping for air.Allof which would probably be pretty inappropriateright now.
Okay, it would definitely be inappropriate.Andever since she ran out of my apartment,Ihaven’t been able to get a good sense of how she feels about us.Ireally want to talk to her and find out how she’s doing.Iknow my mom went to her apartment yesterday, but whenIasked, all my mom told me was, “Wejust talked.”SoI’mstill every bit as clueless asIhave been sinceIgaveZoeher repaired necklace with its extra pendant.
Weall go through our expanded briefing memos as we travel, and our driver,Andre, is throwing in lots of helpful details.Sowe figure out which entrance we should sneak into the fortress through and which direction each of us is going to head as we place our portable surveillance devices that will map out the fortress for the extraction team and give our handlers eyes everywhere.
Wealso figure out which of the four of us is going to disable the radio transmitters, the satellite uplinks, the internet routers, and the internal communication networks, and what needs to happen whenZoegets to their command center.Theentire drive ends up being about planning the mission.Whichfair enough, should be all about the mission.
Andnormally,I’dbe all about focusing on the op.I’mjust having a hard time not focusing onZoe.Tryingto read all of her facial expressions.WishingIunderstood as much about body language as she does.
