“It’sa ten hour flight, and there is a six-hour time difference.Bythe time you make it with all your gear from the airport to just outside of theFortressofDormitor, it’ll be just after one a.m., local time.Youshould be able to infiltrate by two a.m., which will be optimal for catching them by surprise.Packston,Charlie, andKella, you’ll start supporting them in the field at that point, which will be about seven p.m. our time.”
Thedirector looks at each of us for confirmation that we got all the info and don’t have questions.Oncewe all nod, she says, “Finishup what you need to, and then get home and get some rest.You’vegot a big day tomorrow.”
Everyonestands and starts filing out of the room, includingDirectorSullivan,Kenneth, andPackston.Zoe’sturning to leave, too, butIsay, “Hey, canItalk to you for a minute?”
Sheglances at the door. “Ican’t.Myride is leaving.”
“Howabout later tonight, then?”
Sheshakes her head. “I’vegot to get ready.Missionto make the world a safer place, you know.I’llcatch you tomorrow at the airport.”
Ijust nod and watch, hands in my pockets, as she walks out of the conference room.I’mstill standing there whenIrealize that my mom is in the room, turning off thebig screen and gathering her things, and she witnessed the exchange.
“Doyou want to talk about it?” she asks.
Iplop down into a chair, which rolls backward.ApparentlyIdo, orIwould’ve just shook my head and left quickly.Itake a breath, and then meet my mom’s eyes as she sits down in a chair, too. “Ilove her.”
“Iknow you do.”
Ilook at her for a moment. “Atfirst,Ithought she just didn’t feel the same.Orthat it…Idon’t know, scared her.”Ipause, trying to put into words whatI’veseen onZoe’sface. “Ilove her, andIdon’t think she believes thatIdo.”
AndIthought that maybe, just maybe,Imight be more important to her than the mission now.ButIthink as far as she’s concerned, she’s still willing to sacrifice anything, including me, for the mission.
Mymom nods like she gets it. “Anddo you believe that she loves you?”
“Yeah.Imean, most of the time.She’spretty good at faking things, so there’s always a part of me that wonders.”Thatline of thinking instantly exhausts me andIsay, “Doyou know what?Whatever.”Ilook toward the wall of the conference room that separates us from the rest of the department, not really seeing anything past the glass. “It’snot likeIwant a relationship anyway.Relationshipsmake people boring.Idon’t want to be tied down.”
Mymom stays quiet for a beat.Thenshe says, “Thatused to be true.”
Ilookback at her.
“Butis it still true?”Sheasks. “Becausefrom whatI’veseen,Zoecame along and changed everything.”
Shereally did.Iexhale a huge breath. “Ithasn’t been true in a long time.Ithink it’s just whatIlike to tell myself to get overMoldova.”
“Moldova?”Shelooks confused, and for good reason.
“Doyou remember the missionIwas on a year-and-a-half ago whenIwas trying to get that laptop from that scientist, and it took me deep into the forest there, and communications went down?”
Shenods. “Welost contact with you for three days.”
“That’swhenIfirst metZoe.Itwas our actual first mission together.Shewas after the laptop, too, so we teamed up.Atleast,Ithought we were working as a team.Ialso thought she liked me as much asIliked her.Turnedout she was faking both.”
“Isee.Whydidn’t you report that she was on the mission with you in your debrief?”
BecauseIwas embarrassed thatIlet her pull one over on me?BecauseIwas embarrassed to be rejected?BecauseIwas embarrassed not to bring back the laptop myself?Idon’t say any of that, though.Instead,Ishrug.
Mymom nods, like she can tell by my expression exactly what my reason is.Shespares me the lecture about disclosing it— andIabsolutely should’ve disclosed it.I’llprobably get the lecture later, actually, but right now she’s being my mom, not my director.
“MaybeZoewasn’t actually faking it inMoldova,” she says. “Maybeshe had just as hard of a time believing that you could love her back then as she does now.”
“Thatmakes no sense.Howcan she not believe thatIlove her?Shehas to know that.Imean, she’s perfect in every way— if you told me that everyone who knew her loved her,Iwould believe it.”
“Maybeshe doesn’t feel that way.”
Irub my forehead with my fingertips. “Andthe worst part is, whenIwas trying to tell her how loved she is,IthinkImade things so much worse.Imight have really hurt her.Idon’t even know whatIdid, soIhave absolutely no idea how to repair the damage.”
Mymom stays silent for a long moment.Thenshe says, “Wouldyou mind ifItalked to her this evening?Notas theDirectorof theCSA.Andnot as your wing-man.Justas someone who understands what she’s going through.Imight be able to help her.”
