Ledgeris cocking his head with his eyebrows drawn together, like he’s confused, which tells me we are on the same page.SoIcontinue. “Whenwe first meet, they ask what kinds of thingsIneed.It’snot likeIhave a list, soIwas trying to think about whatIuse at a typical hotel that actually belongs to the hotel.Istart by saying thatIhad a bed delivered last night, butIcouldn’t sleep here becauseIdidn’t have any bedding yet.
“Sothey take me to a store to pick out bedding.Andthe place we went to—Ledger, you wouldn’t have believed how many choices they had.Comforters, duvets, duvet covers, and sets that also included sheets, bed skirts, and pillow shams— it was a little overwhelming.”
Irun my hands over my face. “Ican drop everything at a moment’s notice, travel to another country, manage multiple identities, and handle high-pressure situations, all while doing risk assessment, navigating sophisticated technology, blending into my surroundings, communicating covertly, adapting to changing situations rapidly, and negotiating high-stakes outcomes.”Ledger’ssmiling at me now.Kindof an amused smile, andIreallylike it. “But, standing there in that store,IrealizedIhadno idea at allwhatIliked.Icouldn’t even seem to narrow down my choices, andIfelt so stupid about it.Iwas seriously about to bolt.
“Butthey were so sweet.Charliesaid that sometimes choosing is really hard, especially if you haven’t had enough experience lately choosing what you want.Andthat it was okay because we could get it figured out.Ilooked at all three of them, and there was zero judgment.I’mnot even kidding.Zerojudgment.
“Theytold me that whenIwake up in the morning, my bedding will be the first thingIsee.SoIshould imagine that no one else would see it ever, and just think about which one would make my soul the happiest.Theytold me thatIcould take as long asIneeded to decide howIfeel, and they never acted impatient.”
“Sowhat did you end up choosing?”
“Comesee,”Isay asIstand, grab his hand, and pull him down the hall toward my new bedroom, my boot clomping on my hardwood floors as we go.ThenIVannaWhitethe room.Iwatch his face as he sees it— just long enough to notice that his pupils widen, so he likes it as much asIdo— thenIlook back at it, too.It’sa deep purple with a light gray skirt and sheets.I’vegot sleeping pillows, pillow shams, decorative pillows, and the works.Nomore plain white hotel bedding for me.
ButI’mnot done showing him things, soIpull him back out into the hall.Ifeel like a little kid taking him by the hand to show him all my “cool stuff,” butIcan’t help it—Ihave cool stuff now. “Theyalso helped me to thinkabout things like towels for my bathroom, a shower curtain, and garbage cans.Inever would’ve thought of garbage cans!Andcurtains.Doyou knowLivi?Thatwoman knows where to shop for everything.Andthe three of them have an insane amount of shopping endurance.”
“Iam really digging this side of you,”Ledgersays.
Ilook at him, trying to tell if he is being serious or sarcastic.
“Ireally do,”Ledgersays, seeming to sense my skepticism. “Ilike seeing you this happy and excited about having your own place.”
Helooks like he really means it, soIkeep showing him things.Whenwe finally end up back at my little table and sit to eat the soup and rolls,Ikeep talking, telling him more about our marathon shopping day.Thingswe looked at.Thingswe talked about.Iput his stellar listening skills and endurance to the test, and he still claims victory.It’ssuch aLedgerthing to do, andIam taking full advantage of it because apparently,Ihave a lot to say about today.
Afterwe eat, we head over to the couch, andIsnuggle up next toLedgerand sneak a couple of kisses.Okay, a couple dozen kisses.Eachone of them is sweet and caps off a perfect day.
“Thanksfor listening to me nonstop.Ithought shopping was going to be awful, but it was amazing.Itwas so… different and nice to have friends who are women.”
He’slooking at my face and reaches out to brush a lock of hair away from my eye. “I’mso glad youhad such a good experience today.AndI’mgathering that you aren’t having renter’s remorse over getting your own place?”
Ishake my head, chuckling. “Noteven a little bit.Iam loving it so much more thanIthoughtIwould.Iknow ‘home sweet home’ and ‘there’s no place like home’ and ‘home is where the heart is’ and all that, butIfigured it was just hype.Somethingthat other people might need, but not something thatIneeded.Imean,I’velived most of my life without one, andI’mjust fine.ButIdon’t know.Afterhanging out with you and your family, it just… made me crave it.”
Ledgergives me a sweet kiss on the forehead, andIclose my eyes and soak it in.Isoak in the feeling of his arm around my shoulders, too, the feel of his shoulder against my cheek.Thenhe says, “So, what was growing up like for you?Areall foster parents just awful people?”
“Oh.No.Notat all.Thereare a lot of really great ones who make a huge difference in a lot of kids’ lives.”Ishrug. “Butthere are some not-so-great ones, too, andIthinkIgot more of those than most foster kids do.Ialso got some who were decent people but were overwhelmed or overworked or who just didn’t really get me.
“Andregardless of how great the foster parents are,Ithink that it’s normal for every foster kid— at least the ones who moved around a lot— to feel like they never really had a home.Ithink it only feels like you have a home if you connect with a family and stay with them for a while.AndIdid get one of those— that very first foster familyIstayed with was like that.”
“Oh, yeah?”Ledgerasks.
Inod. “Itwas a larger lady with blue glasses who came to our apartment to get me and take me to my first foster home.Iwas scared to death because she was taking me from everythingIknew.Butshe was nice.
“Iloved my mom, andIkind of missed her, but living with that family— theJensens— opened up a whole new world for me.Therewas stability, and everyone treated each other well.Ihad siblings, a mom and a dad who worked together, regular mealtimes, eating together as a family— so many things thatIjust hadn’t experienced before.
“Icraved it all.Ithrivedthere.Itwasn’t my life, butIsure liked living in it.Iwas even starting to believe thatIwas worthy of living in it.
“Andthen, about five months in, right as the school year was ending, all six of us were sitting around the dining room table, eating roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and those little carrots.Myfoster dad was telling a story about his favorite place to go camping with his dad when he was a boy, and he told us that he was going to take all of us there that summer.
“Icouldn’t believe thatIwas actually going to be able to go on a vacation.Iwas going to get to go camping!Iwas so excited.Isat at that table and thought about howIhadn’t been lucky enough or good enough to be sent to a family like that at birth, butIwas so grateful to finally get it.”
“So, did you go camping with them?”Ledgerasks.
Ishake my head. “Laterthat week, the lady with the blue glasses came and said thatIcould goback home to my mom.Therewere tears from my foster family and from me.
“Whenthe woman with the blue glasses came to get me that second time,Iwas actually excited.Iwould get to live that ideal life again, andI’dget to go camping.Butthe woman saidI’dbe going to stay with a different family— theJensenshad moved to a different state.
“Iwas so devastated.Ifelt betrayed and lost and so alone.Iwas six whenIleft theJensens— it wasn’t likeIhad a cell phone or an email address soIcould stay in touch with them.Theywere just gone forever, and it wassohard.ButI’llalways be grateful for them because they showed me that love was possible.”
Ofcourse, the experience also showed me that love is temporary.Thatit could easily get taken away with no notice.Thatit couldn’t be trusted to be there for me, and that it would be painful when it wasn’t.
