IfIhad seen all ofLedger’sbody language that has been related directly to me— including all the ones leading up to this train ride— and they were aimed at someone else,I’dbelieve the authenticity, no question.Butthey’re aimed atme.Idon’t even know what to do with this knowledge.
I’mrealizing that he had so much of this same body language back inMoldova.I’dnoticed it then, butIhad taken it to mean that he was trying to manipulate me so that he could distract me long enough to complete the mission on his own.
Buthe told me that he wouldn’t have taken the win on that mission, andIbelieve him.Wouldhe have let me take the win ifIhadn’t taken it for myself?Wouldhe have had us share the accolades?Imight not ever know.
Andsuddenly,I’mwondering… if he wasn’t lying about how he wouldn’t have taken the win, was he also not lying about his feelings for me back then?
No.It’snot possible.We’dbarely known each other.Ifhe had known me better, he would’ve known that we’d never work out, so it couldn’t be that.Hewas just extremely skilled at making his body language show what he wanted it to show.
Butwhat could be his motivation for making me believe that he’s falling for me now?It’snot so he can take the win.Ifwe don’t “win” together, it’ll cause friction between our agencies.Andboth of us are much too competitive to risk earning the disapproval of our directors.
MaybeIshould just question him about it.Interrogatinga trained operative isn’t easy, butIjust happen to be pretty good at interrogating people.Icould get him to tell me what his angle is, and then tell him to stop it.
Becauseevery time he looks at me like he’s looking at me now, my stomach flutters andIstart thinking of all the ways it would be nice to dateLedger.Tobe special to him.Whenhis hand brushes against mine as we both reach for a card, causing tingles to shoot all the way up my arm,Iimagine him reaching out to hold my hand.Whenhis eyes crinkle as he laughs softly,Iimagine us curled up on a couch somewhere, sharing a private joke.Whenhe leans in close,Iwant to feel his warm breath against my ear.
AndI’vehad plenty of experience wanting somethingIcan’t have— enough to have learned that not only does it not get me any closer to getting it, but it hurts.Andnot in anIstubbed my toekind of way.InanItore myACLkind of way.Thekind of hurt that is long-lasting.
Sincewe are facing each other, it meansI’vegot three-and-a-half hours ofLedgerbombarding me with body language that he might not even be aware that he’s giving off.Bodylanguage that’s projecting all kinds of emotions thatIdon’t know how to deal with.
Evenwhen we play the most competitive game ofGinRummythatI’veever played, smack-talking the whole time and not holding back on being competitive, his body language still shows positive thoughts toward me.EvenwhenIwin.Whenhe wins, his arms raise.Inthe middle of a round, his arms are often on the table.Neverrestricted, never down by his side.He’sleaning toward me, too, instead of resting his back against his chair.IrealizeI’mdoing the same thing.
Togive myself a break,Iturn to look out the window at the scenery.Itry to focus on the lush and scenic green landscapes lit by the setting sun, the beautiful blue waters with occasional glimpses of shipyards, and the storm clouds that are gathering, making the sunset the most vibrant oranges, reds, and blues and in the most dramatic shapes.Thesmall amount of rain that is falling on the streets warmed by the summer sun in the distance seems to steam up almost instantly.
Butas impressive as the scene is, my attention keeps getting pulled back to the man across the table from me and all the confusion swirling around my head and heart.
Eventually, we reach theAnkaratrain station in an all-out downpour.Weare almost to the front of the line to get our rental car whenKella’svoice sounds through in our comms, her breathing heavy as if she was just running. “Wecaught them on airport security footage.”
Ledgertaps his mic on and asks, “InBelgrade?”
“No,”Kellasays. “InAnkara.Theyaren’t going in the order we thought they would at all.”
LedgerandIlook at each other, eyes wide.
“Theinformation is delayed, of course, because we can’t search the footage until after it’s taken.”
“Howlong ago did they leave the airport?”Iask.Idon’t know what languagesKellaspeaks, but it feels like a safe enough question to ask inEnglish.Ipull the hooded jacket from my bag and put it on, tuck my necklace into my shirt, and zip it up.Ledgerdoes the same with his jacket.
“Fiveminutes ago.Weare currently searching street cams for them.”
“We’regoing to have to place the tracker tonight,”Ledgersays.
Idon’t know why, butI’msuddenly panicked about this mission.Ineverpanic about missions.Iblame it onLedger.BecausenowIcare about him so much more, andIreally don’t want anything to happen to him.Ialso really care about this mission.AndIreally want to show our directors that the two of us can be successful on a joint mission.
“Wehave to win this mission,Ledger.”
Hiseyes are on the person standing at the rental counter ahead of us. “Iknow.”
“Nomatter what,”Istress.Andthen inFarsi,Iadd, “Wecan’t letAragundipass on his empire to a new generation to wreak havoc all over the world.”
“We’llget them,” he says with enoughconviction that it actually manages to calm my nerves.Wewillget them.
I’vehad some long days in the field.Literallong days whereIwas awake for all twenty-four hours of it.Buteven considering that, it’s strange to think that today is still today.Thismorning, we placed a tracking device on a very valuable ceramic sculpture inSerbia.Bylunch, we were sitting on an airplane.Bylate afternoon, we’d boarded a train inIstanbul.Andnow, we are about to traipse our way to an ancient castle inAnkarathat was built in the seventh century.
“Sonraki!” the attendant calls out, and we move up to the counter.
Weare trying to quickly sign the documents to rent the car, but the language barrier is slowing things down.Thepre-mission adrenaline is kicking in, andIneed to move.Wefinally get the keys and are racing out to the car whenPackston’svoice sounds in our ears.
“Foundthem!Ihoped they’d go to their hotel first, but nope— it looks like they are headed straight for theCitadel.Youneed to get there quickly.”
