Maybewhat made me fall for him before was exactly this— how well he listens.EvenifI’msharing something with deep emotions, he listens as if he cares about every single word.Likehe wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.
Iknow he’s an attentive listener who always seems to care, soIcan’t believeIjust told him a story that would showcase that side of him, putting me in danger of falling for him all over again.Ihad enough trouble trying to get over him last time.
Thisis whyLedgeris the worst.Spiescan’t fall in love.Ledgerwould never fall for me, andIcan’t fall for him.Yethe just goes ahead and makes mewantto.Likeit’s nothing.
“We’vegot an early day tomorrow,”Ledgersays as he’s getting up off the bed, grabbing both of our plates and forks. “Weshould probably sleep.”
Inod, and when he meets my eyes,Isay, “Thankyou.”Idon’t say what for, but he seems to understand.
Weboth get ready for bed, andIcan tell by the way that he walks from the bathroom to the cot that his body is hurting again just thinking about sleeping on it, even though he’s trying to hide it.Igrab my pillow from the bed and say, “Don’teven think about taking the cot.It’smine tonight.”
Hetakes my pillow and tosses it back onto the bed. “You’renot sleeping on the cot.Takethe bed,Zoe.”
Yep.He’sthe worst.“No, you took the cot last night andIhad the bed.It’sonly right to swap tonight.Aguy your size should not be on that cot.”
Ledgerputs his hands on his hips, elbows out. “Iam not taking the bed.”
Istep close to him, mirroring his pose. “Why.”Itcomes out more as a demand than a question.
He’squiet for a moment before he says, “Becausethere is no wayI’llbe able to sleep at all ifIknow you’re on the cot.”Iopen my mouth to say something about it being cruel and unusual punishment to the cot to have him sleep on it two nights in a row, but beforeIcan say anything, he adds, “AndIreally need to sleep tonight ifIwant to be at the top of my game tomorrow.”
Weare barely a foot apart in a silent standoff with both of our hands on our hips.Isearch his eyes asItry to think of the argumentIcan pose to get him to agree to take thebed, but allIsee in them is pure resolve.Adetermination for me to not sleep on the cot.
Eventually,Irealize he’s not going to give in no matter how solid my reasoning is, soIsay, “Fine.Iwon’t sleep on the cot.Butneither are you.Thisis a big bed— no reason why that side of it should go unused while you break your back on the cot.”Hedoesn’t immediately shoot down the idea, soI’veat least got him to pause and think about it.Tohelp sell it,Iadd, “Wecan roll up the blanket from the cot and put it down the middle as a barrier if you’d like.”
Ikeep my hands on my hips, standing at my full height, as he searches my face.Ihope he sees the same level of resolve and determination in me thatIsee in him.Thathe understands his choice is either for me to take the cot or for both of us to take the bed.
Aftera bit, he says, “Fine.ButI’mtaking the side closest to the door.”
Spokenlike a true protector. “Fine,”Isay back, and we both crawl into bed for what will likely be our final night in these cinderblock chic quarters.
Eachof us turns off the light on our nightstands, and we both lie on our backs.
Sleepingin the same room asLedgerlast night was one thing.Wewere in two separate beds at two very different heights.Ledger’scot was near the foot of the bed, soIcouldn’t even see him whenIwas lying down.
Sleeping— or trying to sleep— in the same bed as him tonight is something else entirely.Ithits me that on the plane, we were probably as far apart from each other as we are now.Butthis feels different.Icouldreach out and easily touch him now.Especiallybecause neither of us actually placed the rolled blanket barrier.
EventhoughIslept in the same room asLedgerlast night,Istill fell asleep relatively easily.Buta lot has changed today.Wekissed, even if it wasn’t for real,Ledgeris looking at me differently, my feelings have been growing and changing all day,Iopened up to him in a wayInever open up to anyone, andIhave come to know a side ofLedgerthatIdidn’t know existed.NotinMoldova, not over the past year and a half of crossing paths with him.
Imay be able to fall asleep virtually anywhere and anytime, butIcan’t fall asleep on my back—Ihave to start out on my side.SoIroll to my right side, just likeIalways do.Ourone window doesn’t have great blinds, but it’s also not very big.Itdoes let in just enough light that, now my eyes are adjusted to the dark,Ican see the silhouette ofLedger.
Heis so close.Sotouchably close.Heonly has the blanket pulled up to his mid-torso, soIcan see the outline of his chest and shoulders.Thesoft rise and fall of his chest with every breath.Thesilver light from the moon as it catches his cheekbone.
Idesperately want a life with this in it.Iwant to be nearLedger.Iwant to be the kind of woman who can fall fully and completely in love with him.Getmarried.Fallasleep every night next to the man she loves.Sleepin the same bed as him and actually reach out and touch him.AndIwant to be the kind of woman who deserves every bit of the love he has for her.
ButIam not her.IwishIwas because it is so painful right now to not be her.
Ledgerturns his head toward me. “JustsoIknow what to expect,I’dlove to know— are you planning to stare at me all night?”
Ofcourse, he felt my gaze on him.Ishrug with the shoulder not pressed into the bed. “Undecided.Imight.”
“Youare not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Idon’t know how you do things,”Isay, echoing his statement from our briefing meeting at theCSAbut with much more of a teasing tone, “butI’mnot in the business of making things easy.”
Helets out a soft growl, then rolls to his side, facing away from me.Butgood golly, his back is pretty great to look at, too.
Hisvoice is quiet, butI’mpretty sure he mumbles, “Ifyou only knew how easily you can get under my skin.”