SECRETS, SWEETS, AND SILHOUETTES
ZOE
IknowIkeep givingLedgerstrange looks, butIam having the hardest time figuring him out.It’ssomething that doesn’t happen with many people.Ifat all.BackatMonaLiza’shotel, right afterIreunited the little girl with her mom,Istarted noticing a change inLedger’sexpressions.Hisface muscles are more relaxed, he’s tilted his head to the side a bit more than once, and his eyes— and pupils!— widen when he looks at me.
Hisexpressions aren’t vastly different from what he used to flirt withMonaLizaso her attention would be off me during our private showing.Butnot once has he scratched his cheek with the back of his middle finger around me like he did around her.Ashe does anytime he’s not being entirely truthful.
AndIdon’t understand.Gettingrid of a tell isn’t easy, and if you get rid of one, a new one usually pops up.Notshowing a tell at all is possible— it just isn’t probable.DidLedgerreally figure out how to stop showing tells just since we were last at the mansion?OrmaybeI’msimply missing his new tell.
Andmaybe this is part of the reason whyIlove competing withLedgerso much— he’s not so easy to figure out.He’slike a coded message without a cipher.EverytimeIthinkI’vecracked him,Ifind another layer.Andthis layer feels like decoding a transmission by using only half the alphabet.
Aftertalking withMonaLizaat her hotel, he came into the little tourist shop to find me, and when he spotted me, his eyebrows went up and a smile spread across his face.It’srelatively easy to lie with your face.Butpeople have micro-expressions that flash on their faces for a fraction of a second before they have a chance to school their face into what they want to show.Thosemicro-expressions are nearly impossible to fake.Ledger’slooked a lot like being elated to see me.
Yes, it could’ve just been relief that we hadn’t blown our cover, but it still did something to my heart.Why,Ledger, do you have to go making my heart want things it can’t have?
Afterwe left the hotel, we went shopping for the clothesI’llneed to impersonateEliza.Wesettled on a tailored charcoal-gray dress with an asymmetrical slit and a fitted bodice that seems to strike a balance between professional and artistic flare, likeEliza’snormal outfits.Wealso got a colorful scarf and bold, geometric earrings.Thepieces we got aren’t as authentic as if we’d been able to secure an actual outfit ofEliza’s, but sincewe’ll be at a location where they expectElizato be, hopefully, it’ll be enough.
Wegot an early dinner while we were out.Throughit all,LedgerandIbantered.Teasedeach other.Disagreedon several things.Butthe whole time,Ledgerjust kept looking at me differently.
Maybewe should go back to being enemies.Becausethis is feeling like friendship— and not just a surface friendship but the kind where you deeply care about the other person— and my heart can’t take it.Intelligenceoperatives don’t get this.Wedon’t get to care deeply about anyone.Wewouldn’t even know how.
Whenwe get back to ourBroomClosetwith aDumpsterView,Damjanstops by with the mask overlay thatI’llwear.Wego through all the details of our mission tomorrow once again, making sure everything is in place.Todayhas been exhausting, and tomorrow will be, too, soLedgerinsists that we have a bit of down time to relax.Hethinks we’ll be more on top of our game tomorrow if tonight, we think about, talk about, or work on anythingother thanthe mission.
Iam about to argue all the reasons why the mission isallwe should think about, talk about, or work on if we want to be successful tomorrow, but then he suggests that we relax with room service dessert and reads the menu out loud.
WhatcanIsay?I’ma sucker forJaffacakes.
Isit cross-legged on the bed, andLedgerstretches out on the bed facing me, lying on his side and propped up on one elbow, his krempita on the bed in front of him.Hegetsa fork full of the layered pastry filled with vanilla custard, and grinning, says, “Hey.Ifinally got my pudding.”
“It’stoo bad it’s just the ‘white’ part of the black and white pudding you thought you were getting.”
Ledgermoans a bit as he takes the bite. “Iwouldn’t say it’s ‘too bad.’Thisis amazing.”Ican feel his eyes on me asIslide my fork into the little sponge cake in my lap with orange jelly and a layer of chocolate and then take a bite.Ihaven’t had this particular dessert in probably two years, and it’s just asIremember it.Totallyworth giving up a debate withLedgerover.
Ledgercuts another piece of his dessert, but only lifts the fork half way and looks at it, like studying it is more interesting than eating it.Ican’t help but notice the muscles in the shoulder supporting his weight and then in the other shoulder as it flexes and moves.Heis one very fit man, and looking at him makes me suddenly want to scale the side of a building with him.Seewho gets to the top first.
Andalso,Ikind of want to reach out and run my fingertips along those shoulder muscles and down his arms.Toskim my fingertips along his jaw, where stubble from a long day is just starting to appear.Totangle my fingers in his hair as we reenact that kiss from earlier.Ireach up and play with my necklace asIpicture it.
Zoe, what are you doing?Youknow you can’t fall for this man.Orany man, really.Intelligenceoperatives just can’t.Ican’t.AndIespecially can’t fall forLedger.Istarted to once before, and it sucked me in so fully that it actually made me lose sight of the missionfor a moment.
Wasit blissful for that moment?Absolutely.But,Iknew thatLedgerwas just working the mission.Iknew it the whole time.Still, though, it shook my heart more deeply thanIcare to admit.Idon’t want to have to face that again.
Hiseyes cut to mine for a moment, and then he says, “So, earlier today, you stopped our mission to help a little girl.”
“Ineed to apologize for that.Itwon’t happen again.”
“Whatmade you do it?”
“I…”Istart, trying to figure out whatIwas thinking at the time. “IguessIjust saw myself in that little girl, and it reminded me how gratefulIwas for every bit of helpIgot along the way.”
“Didyou usually get the help you needed?” he asks, then eats a bite of his dessert, not taking his eyes off me.
Ishrug and push my fork down into myJaffacakes. “Alot of times.Justnot always in ways thatIwanted.”Ican tell by the look in his eyes that he wants me to continue, soIdo. “Like, sometimes, whatIreally wanted was for a mom to wrap me in a hug and protect me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and whatIgot was a lot of experience in reading body language or learning how to listen closely which, as it turns out, helps with learning languages.
“Whenyou move around homes and have different guardians and different foster kids in the home, you don’t really get the chance to get used to someone enough to anticipate what they’re going to do.Youhave to watch formore universal body language in order to anticipate and act or react in the right way.”
“Isthat how you got to be so good at it?”
Itake a bite of my dessert, looking up at the ceiling asIponder my answer. “It’sone of probably three reasonsI’mgood at it.Sothe first was necessity.IfIhadn’t read body language whileIwas in foster care,Iwouldn’t have known when to do an extra something nice for one of my guardians, when to just be quiet, keep my head down, and do chores or homework, and when it was best to just get out of there quickly.Butreally,Ineeded those skills in my original home, long before foster care.Imight not have learned them, though, ifIhadn’t had ample need for them.
