“Itscares you,”Milessays, and my eyes flash to him becauseIassume he’s calling me weak.Ina voice free of any kind of brotherly teasing, he adds, “Itscares you how much you love her when you have a job like you do.”
Ipause a moment and then nod.Theway he said it makes me wonder if he’s speaking from experience, but he’sMiles.Hedoesn’t fall in love.Ina breath that comes out as a croaking whisper,Isay, “It’sterrifying.”
Forthe very first time since she started the meeting, my mom speaks. “Tellme about when you sawOctaviaValeon that sidewalk inBaltimore.”
Mythoughts are wrenched back to that moment right beforeIended things withMackenzie.Iswallow, then say, “I’vebeen nearOctaviaseveral times before.Thatwas the first timeIwas afraid.Icould barely breathe as she walked pastMackenzie.”
“Why?Didyou think she was going to grabMackenzieand threaten her to get you to do what she wanted?”
“No.Butshe could’ve seenMackenzie, found out who she was, and then used her as leverage later.”
Mymom is quiet for a moment.Thenshe says in a quiet voice, “Youmean like those men did when they kidnappedCharlie?”
Iflinch right along with everyone else in the room.
“Son,Iknow that you think you need to wait until you stop being an intelligence operative in the field to have a serious relationship.Butjust because you’re dating while being an operative doesn’t meanMackenzieis in danger.Don’tlet what happened with your sister more than twenty years ago affect whether or not you stay in a relationship that is really important to you.Weare better at hiding our personal information now than we ever were back then.”
HaveIbeen basing a lot of my life around that?Probablymore thanI’vebeen willing to admit.Aremy current fears logical?Orare they past fears still at play?Oris there something more thatIkeep ignoring because the fears surroundingCharlie’skidnapping do a pretty good job of hiding it?
Idon’t know how to voice what’s going on in my head.It’sa cyclone, andI’mnot sure thatIcan grab all the pieces and lay them out in any kind of logical way.
Itisn’t until my mom starts talking again that it hits me that not only has she been my mom for my entire life and my boss for the past six years, and therefore knows me in ways that few people ever will, but she is also an intelligence operative who met someone and fell in love.Shehas already been through everythingI’mfacing.
“Youhave a job,Jace, where failure is not an option.Anda natural by-product of that is a fear of failure.Mostsuccessful companies adopt a ‘Failearly, fail often’ approach with their employees because it helps people to more quickly find what works.Here, we can’t do that.Here, if we fail, people may die, so failing isn’t on the table.”
Isit back in my chair, feeling pretty mind-blown.Afear of failure.Ididn’t even realize that it’s something that is affecting me, but it’s all ringing true.I’mnot sureIever could’ve pinpointed that on my own.
“Andif you do fail,”Milessays, “it’s not the same cost of failure as it is here.Youcan fail and get back up again.”
Ledgerhas his arms on the table like he always does since that’s the best way to show off his impressive guns, and he leans forward. “Bro.It’stime to stop worrying and start taking action!Beingan intelligence operative is all about being daring and fearless, right?Sojust start being daring and fearless and everything will be fine.”
Milesrolls his eyes. “Youcan’t just bulldoze your way through every situation,Ledger.Beinganeffectiveintelligence operative is all about making connections with people.Andthat’s whatJaceis trying to do— making a solid, lasting connection withMackenzie.”
I’mopening my mouth to say thank you whenEmersonsays, “No, being an intelligence operative is aboutdata.Youcan’t accomplish anything if you don’t have the right information.”
Ledgerleans back in his chair, grabs a piece of paper from the printer on the small table by the wall, crumples it into a ball, and throws it across the table atEmerson.
“What?”Emersonsays, holding his hands out like stop signs. “I’mjust saying that on paper,JaceandMackenzieas a couple make sense.Andthat’s important if you want things to work out.That’swhat we all came together to talk about, right?Howthey make sense, so he should get working on getting back together with her already.”
Fromhis screen at the end of the table,Blakeshakes his head. “You’reall idiots.Beingan intelligence operative is about glory at the expense of those you love.Youlove this woman?Quitthe agency.Thenyou can show her you love her every day for the rest of your life.”
Mymom is watching all of this with her mouth slightly quirked up in amusement.UnlikeCharlie, who’s had her arms crossed the whole time each of our brothers has weighed in on my love life. “You’reall wrong,” she says.Thenshe turns to me. “Don’tlisten to them,Jace.Anddon’t quit theCSA.”Shetosses a glare atBlakebefore turning back to me. “Beingan intelligence operative is all about being adaptive.Andbeing adaptive means not letting a fear of failure make you sabotage things.”
“Ididn’t— ”
“Sothat’s why you went on that mission toTelAvivwhenMomsaid she could send me!”Ledgersays. “Youdid it to get out of meetingMackenzie’sfamily.”Hejabs a pointed finger in my direction. “Youwere sabotaging things with her.”
“Iwasn’t— ”
“Icould’ve gone, too,”Milessays. “Myguess is, you didn’twantto end things withMackenzie, so you were almost forcing it to happen in a way that was out of your control.”
Ledgernods. “Becauseif you went on that mission, eitherMackenziewould be super upset that you missed her family thing and end your relationship— ”
“—Oryou would convince yourself that you were puttingMackenziein danger by going on a mission where another woman would likely be in danger,”Milescontinues. “Eitherway, you could end things without it feeling like there was another option you could take that you were just choosing not to.”
“Soundsabout right,”Ledgersays, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair as if he figured everything out. “Yougot scared and became a big, fat saboteur.”
It’sbeen a good long while since the twins have been in agreement on anything enough that they could finish each other’s sentences without one of them steering the conversation wildly off course.Itfigures that they would finally come together over evaluating my motives.
