Irun my hands over my face as the ambulance pulls away, and thenIgrab my bag.Ihad way too much time to think on the flight home asItraveled next to the womanIdidn’t protect, andIam exhausted.Ipull out my phone and textMackenzieto let her know thatIam back.
Mackenzie:Whereare you?
Jace:Atthe airport.
Mackenzie:BWI?Becauseif you are,I’mat a spinal cord injury rehabilitation seminar not too far from you.I’mmoments away from a ninety-minute lunch break.Doyou want to get together?Ordo you need to hurry back to the agency?
Ishouldn’t meet with her.Notafter all the realizationsI’vehad during this mission.Iactually don’t need to go to the agency—Ineed to go home and sleep for days.Buteven the thought of seeingMackenziemakes me feel more alive.AsifI’vebeen stranded in the desert for days and she appears with a glorious smile on her face, offering me a glass of ice cold water.Iam weak, soIsay yes and ask her to send me a pin of her location.
WhenImake my way out of the airport and to her location,Ispot her on the sidewalk looking into a shop window, andIcall out, “Mackenzie.”
Sheturns and gives me that glorious smile thatI’vebeen dreaming of.AsIstride the last few steps toward her, she starts singing the title words ofSecretAgentMan.Ismile as she wraps her arms around my neck, and thenIbreathe into her ear, “Youare seriously compromising the ‘secret’ part of ‘secret agent.’”
Thenwe kiss, andIwant to sink so deep into the kiss.Iwant to pull her tight against me, tangle my hands in her hair, and just soak in everything that isMackenzie.Tolet her heal everything in me that feels broken afterTelAviv.ButIhold back becauseInow get how irresponsible it would be of me to continue datingMackenzie.AndifIcare about her at all,Iwon’t.
Whenwe end the kiss,Ican tell by the look on her face that she knows something’s not right.Butshe still takes my hand in hers and we start walking down the street.Westop at the window in front of a framed art shop, and she says, “So, how was the… meeting with your client?Wasit full of ‘business solutions?’”
Ismile at her use of my cover story. “Itdidn’t go as well asIhad hoped, but we were still able to solve the client’s problem.”Becauseon the books, the mission was a success.Weintercepted the drive with the information that would be dangerous to have in enemy hands, and we captured both the buyer and the seller.TheCSAis working withMossadon extraditingMerkleyto theUnitedStates, andMossadwill deal with the data broker.Shannawas just a casualty, and missions sometimes have casualties.
Onpaper, “just a casualty” sounds insignificant, especially if it’s only one and if the mission was still a success.Butit’s never “just” a casualty.Acasualty isalwaysa big deal.Casualtiesare what haunt my thoughts asItry to fall asleep at night.
“I’msorry it was a rough trip,”Mackenziesays, and whenIlook at her,Isee the sincerity and concern on her face.Itmeans more thanIcan say that she doesn’t just ignore that part and applaud me for “solving the client’s problem.”
“Thankyou,”Itell her. “Andcongratulations on getting your nose brace off.”It’san immense relief to know that it’s at least healed enough for that.
“Thanks!” she says as she gestures at it like it’s the prize in a game show. “It’sstill a bit swollen and a little sore, butI’mso glad to no longer be sporting that particular piece of facial adornment.WheneverIstepped outside, it harnessed the power of the sun in its efforts to blind me.”
Ichuckle, even thoughI’mstill wrecked that it happened in the first place.Westart walking down the sidewalk again, and as the crowd shifts a bit,Isee a stately woman namedOctaviaValestrolling in our direction, with two guys who are definitely her muscle following close behind.Octaviais wearing a “look at me,I’muntouchable” yellow business suit and heels.Weknow she is responsible for running a vast network of hackers for hire.
Iam not the operative assigned to her, althoughIhave helped on several missions related to capturing her.Onewhere we got fairly close.Closeenough to see individual hairs on each other’s heads.We, as an agency, probably know that she’s onU.S. soil again and that she’s here inBaltimore, since we’ve been tracking her, butIdidn’t know.
Idon’t think she’s close enough to have noticed or recognized me yet.ProbablybecauseIam not currently wearing a suit, and certainly not one that begs for the kind of attention that her yellow one does.Iimmediately dropMackenzie’shand and mumble, “Youdon’t know me.”ThenIturn away fromMackenzieand continue down the sidewalk without her as ifI’mjust going about my business.
AsInearOctavia, her eyes fall on me and recognition crosses her face, along with a smirk of a smile that says,Hello.Andjust in case you forgot, this is your reminder thatIwon.
Igive her a slight nod like we’re just two random people passing on the sidewalk, andIkeep going.OnceIam a few feet past her,Iwhip around to check onMackenzie, my heart beating fast, the hairs on the back of my neck raised, and my muscles tense and ready.Iwant to stand as a shield betweenOctaviaandMackenzie, butIalso knowIcan’t do anything to tip offOctaviathatMackenzieis anything other than a random person on the street.
Ihold my breath asIwatchOctaviaand her goons.Themoment they pass right on byMackenzie,Iexhale in immense relief.
Thenmy eyes fall onMackenzie, who is looking at me with an expression of hurt all over her face, andIwant to crumple.Mackenziehas told me enough about her previous relationship for me to know that acting in public as ifIdon’t know her or thatIam not with her would especially hurt her.
Idon’t want to hurt her.Ever.Idon’t want to ever be the reason that look is on her face.ButIworry that by us staying together whileI’mstill a field operative,I’llhurt her even more.
IknowIneed to stop seeing her to keep her safe.ButIalso know that it’s going to cause her pain and heartache, too, and the realization of that is destroying me.Butisn’t it better to cause her heartbreak one time than expose her to the possibility of many more hurts?Idon’t want to ever again have to tell her, “I’mso sorryIdidn’t protect you.”
Whatif next time, it’s something much more serious than a football to the nose?Whatif it’s something closer to what happened toShannajust barely?OrlikeFadila, my asset inRiyadhthatIwasn’t able to save a few years ago?Thethought of anything happening toMackenziemakes my stomach churn, my heart race, and my chest constrict in pain.
It’shard for me to walk the dozen steps toward her becauseIcan see on her face that she knowsI’mabout to tell her something she doesn’t want to hear.WhenIstop in front of her,Idecide that, as much asIwant to procrastinate this moment forever, delaying things isn’t going to make it any easier.WhileIstill have the fortitude to act,Isay, “Ithink we should end this relationship.”
Mackenzieputs her hands on her hips and demands, “Why?”
Irun through a long list of explanationsIcan give her.Butfor every reason that comes cascading down in my mind, piling on top of each other,Iknow thatMackenziewill push back.She’llchallenge every single one of them.We’vebeen amazing together, andIthink we both know it.She’llcome up with so many good reasons as to why we should stay together, and every single one of those reasons is going to weaken my resolve untilIhave no strength to do whatIknowIshould.
Ilove her so much that it scares me, andIknow how much power she has to talk me out of this.Butmy sense of right and wrong is telling me that it isn’t right for me to put her in the path of danger.Shenever chose this life, and she shouldn’t have to deal with all the baggage that accompanies it.
Soinstead of explaining anything,Ishake my head and simply say, “Ican’t do this anymore.”
“Jace,Idon’t understand.”
