“Ithad been a pretty stressful situation for all of us.Myparents knew that we wouldallneed to work through the trauma of that experience, and they had us— they included— work with therapists.Eventhough the therapy was really helpful for all of us, we all kind of came out the other side changed.”
Irub my thumb across the part of his hand that it’s touching. “Idon’t think you can go through something like that and not be affected by it in one way or another and still be human.”
Henods in agreement. “Itleft me scared— of a lot of things, actually.Mytherapist helped me to realize that it was because my sense of control had just disappeared.Asa kid, you kind of always feel like your life is in someone else’s hands, but after the kidnapping, it felt so much worse.AsifIdidn’t have any control.LikeIcouldn’t get attached to anything, because things could change in an instant and there wasn’t anythingIcould do about it.
“Andit wasn’t becauseIworried that any one of us could be kidnapped at any time.Idon’t know why, but that wasn’t what scared me.Itcame more from seeing how my family was changed by it.BecauseInow had the knowledge that things could change so drastically in an instant and in such a long-lasting way.Imean, it’s been over two decades now, andIthink our family is still affected by it in ways maybe we don’t even recognize.”
Hepauses for a moment, probably remembering something, soIstay quiet and just try to imagine what that must’ve been like and how it would probably still be affecting me ifIhad been in his shoes.
“Thatall happened during the summer.Thenext school year,Iwas much more timid.Therewas a kid in my class namedAnthony.Hewas scrawny and shy, and at recess, there was a group of about five kids with bucketloads of confidence and big egos who always picked on him.Theynever threw punches, but they would always corner the poor kid and make him feel awful.
“Myfirst instinct was to do nothing.Ididn’t think anyone would believe me that there was a problem if no one was physically hurt, andIdidn’t want to get in the middle of it out of fear that they would then turn their bullying on me.
“Plus,IthinkIwas still feeling too much likeIcouldn’t control anything.SoIjust stood back and watched for four days in a row as this happened.
“Apparently, four days was my limit.Onthe fifth day, as soon as the bullies corneredAnthony,Imarched right over and stood betweenAnthonyand them and let out all the fear, frustration, and anger that had been building up in me at the unfairness of it all.”
Jaceputs a knuckle to his upper lip and lets out one breath of a chuckle at whatever he’s remembering. “Ijust let them have it.Iyelled at them about how mean they were being and about how they were supposed to protect kids likeAnthony, not attack him.
“Ican’t remember what allIsaid, but they were so shocked at the whole thing that they immediately backed up.Andby the timeIfinished yelling at them, their heads were hanging.Theyjust stood there for a moment, silent, soIadded, ‘Well, apologize,’ and they actually did.Andit sounded like they meant it.Lookingback,Idon’t think they were bad kids.They’djust— gotten into a bad pattern,Iguess.
“Anyway, that seemed to break them out of it,AnthonyandIbecame friends, and it went a long way toward helping me feel likeIhad control again.”
Iam watching him in awe of what he’s been through and what he’s become.Iam in awe of the entire family.Ican’t even fathom howIwould feel if the same thing had happened to one of my sisters.Myheart aches for all of what he— and the rest of them— must’ve gone through.
“Mysiblings andIeventually all had experiences that helped each of us get through the trauma in our own ways.Formost of us, it left us wanting to do everything we could to protect others.Tokeep other people from having to go through what we went through.”
Inod, because it explains his protective nature.I’veseen it so many times since we first met— everything from shielding me from the football, to pressing his body against mine when the golf ball hit into the ticket taker’s shack, to getting me away from actual danger at the gala and at the café today.
“Mybrother,Blake, though, was affected differently, maybe because he had been withCharliewhen she was grabbed.Heknew that it never would’ve happened if my parents weren’t elite operatives or if my dad didn’t run theCSA.Andhe’s right—Imean you can’t deny that.Butit made him very bitter toward the agency, and he stays far from it.He’sstill close with everyone in the family, but he doesn’t want anything to do with the agency.”
“Andhe’s the only one of your siblings who doesn’t work at theCSA?”
Jacenods.
Thereis so much moreIwant to know.Iwant to ask if his parents became overly protective of them after that.Ifthings changed at the agency.Ifhis parents tried to shield them from everything or just taught them more.Whetherit brought them together as a family or pulled them apart.
Butthe story seems to have taken a lot out ofJace, and he’s back to looking as tired as he was before we ate.Allof my questions seem like they would take a lot out of a person even when they hadn’t just gone days without much sleep.
Andthen he actually yawns.
“Jace, you are so tired.Youshould sleep for a bit.”
Heshakes his head. “Can’t.Activemission.”
Iam impressed at how strongly he feels responsibility.Ialso know that we are hidden away, that we have two agents…Imeanoperativesstanding guard, and thatCharlieis going to callJace’sphone that’s sitting on the coffee table with any updates.SoIsay, “Okay, no sleep.Justlay your head on my lap and rest for a minute.”
Jacegives me a mischievous grin that makes my insides flutter. “Okay,” he says, then gives me a kiss and situates himself so that his body is stretched out across the couch, his head in my lap.Hereaches up, touches two fingers to my cheek, and breathes, “You’reso beautiful.”
He’ssmiling up at me like he’s won this round, butI’mpretty sure thatIdid.
“Shh,”Isay. “Justrest your eyes for a moment.”Ibrush my fingertips over his eyelids to close them.Heactually keeps them closed, andIswear only five seconds pass before his breathing slows to the rhythm of sleep.
Itake the opportunity to spend a few minutes just gazing at his beautiful face.Helooks so peaceful.It’ssuch a contrast from the expression that’s been on his face sinceIfirst saw him at that fancy restaurant inBaltimore.
There’ssomething else, too, that’s grabbing my attention, andIrealize it’s that he looks so vulnerable.Jaceisn’t a large man, but one look at him leaves no question that he is strong, and not just physically.It’ssuch a contrast to the serene expression on his face now.
Hiseyelashes are casting a soft shadow against his cheek and look so delicate thatIwant to reach out and brush my fingertip along them.Hiseyebrows have the perfect arch – somehowI’venever noticed that before.ThenoseIhave noticed.It’sa strong nose, which feels weird to think, but it’s just… chiseled and nice.Iwant to trace a finger down its contour.
