ThenMackenziegives me her answer. “Becausethat’s not going to get any of us out of our comfort zones.”Shemotions to some of the kids dancing with all they’ve got, really feeling the music. “Lookat how much fun they are having!Nownotice how much emotion they are showing on their faces and in every move they make.Asadults, we tend to be small with our emotions.Wedon’t let ourselves really experience big emotions very often.Wehold back.Bottlethings in.It’sgood for the soul to let yourself dance big because it helps your body remember that it can experience big things.”
That… is beautiful.AndsomethingIvery much don’t want to do right now.
Livicomes over, grabs my hand andMackenzie’shand, and says, “Comeon.Dancelike no one is watching.”
Myfeet are going nowhere. “Buttheyarewatching.”Everyonewho did actually bring chairs is sitting in them, watching not only the band but everyone who is dancing.Somuch of my job requires me to not be noticed.Notbeing noticed saves lives and makes missions successful.Mackenzieis asking me to bring a truckload of attention to myself.
Yet,Istill somehow find myself dragged to the space in front of the stage, moving to the music.EventhoughI’vehad entire courses on resisting skilled persuasion tactics.EventhoughIwas the one who once talked aSyriandiplomat into wearing a clown costume in order to smuggle sensitive documents.
I’mthe one who talks people into doing things, not the other way around.
Asthe band playsPartyin theU.S.A.,Iam so uncomfortable thatIhave flashbacks to middle school dances.Ifeel so out of place and so uncoordinated.Mackenzie, on the other hand, seems so comfortable with it all.Orif she isn’t, she’s still all in.Me?I’mtaking back those feelings of being gladIcame.
Bythe time they start playingFootloose,Iam feeling anything but footloose.Morelike foot rigid.Butat leastI’ma slight bit less rigid.
Brendamakes her way toward me, shaking those hips and raising her arms, and says, “Don’texpect milk if you ain’t feeding the cow!”
Iget it,Brenda.Ireally do.
Bythe time the band playsShakeItOff,I’mactually managing to shake off some of my resistance.Istill look and feel like a fool, butIcare slightly less thatIdo.Ican actually look outside of myself a bit now and seeAbraham—Hammy,Icorrect myself mentally— really living it up as he dances.Everyoneelse, too.Theyall,Mackenzieincluded, look like they are experiencing big emotions and are really feeling the music with their whole bodies.
Comeon,Jace.YouBASEjumped off theMakkahRoyalClockTowerinSaudiArabiawearing a wingsuit; you can do this.
Itake a deep breath, try to shake off my fear about appearances and having eyes on me, giveMackenziea big smile— which she returns with the force of the sun— and let myself feel the music deep in my bones.
Whenthey start to playILoveRockandRoll,I’mdancing like people are definitely watching butIam slightly okay with it.Mackenzieis looking at me like she’s never been so proud, and that gets me in the chest like nothing else.Igrab her hand and swing her around.There’seven a part where we’re both jumping in the air together while pumping our fists.Weare living it up like this is what we do on the weekends.
Soit shouldn’t surprise me that when the band starts playing the opening notes toShutup andDancewithMeand the lead female vocalist says, “Forthis next song, we need a couple to come up on stage and dance,” she picksMackenzieand me.
Butnot being surprised and being willing are two different things.Ihave made it through exactly one song of being okay with really feeling the music and moving to it in whatever way hits me.Thatamount of experience does not make me okay with going up on stage to dance withMackenziewhere everyone can see us even more easily.
Mackenzieis looking at me with one eyebrow raised, silently asking ifI’mwilling, and behind the look,Ican tell how much it means to her.Shesays, “It’sall about getting out of our comfort zones, right?”
AndAbrahamis looking at me with an “Iknow you can do this” look in his eyes.Atleast that’s whatIthink the look is saying.Theeyebrows he’s wearing are extremely bushy, so it’s hard to tell.
Maybeit’s the lack of sleep combined with too much physical exertion.Whateverit is,ImeetMackenzie’seyes. “Let’sdo it.”
Mackenziegrabs my hand, and we both head up the stairs at the side of the stage and join the band as the audience claps.It’sa decently sized stage, so there’s room for us.Theband switches from repeating the opening notes to getting into the song, and the two of us get into it, too.Itisn’t exactly a ballroom-type song, and with how everyone else is dancing in front of the stage, it wouldn’t fit, anyway.SoIjust let myself feel the music.
Thereare parts where we just dance, facing each other, doing our own thing.Partswhere we mimic each other’s moves.Partswhere it feels like we are acting out the words to the song, which totally works becauseIfeel like the lyrics of this song are perfectly me andMackenziehere tonight.Andparts where we really play off each other, like we had planned this ahead of time.Theseare my favorite parts.Honestly,Inever knewIwas capable of this.
Thecrowd is clapping along to the music.Thelonger we are on stage, the more my heart thrums in my chest along with a radiating heat, andIam fueled with adrenaline.I’mexhilarated in a wayIhaven’t experienced outside of agency work in… possibly ever.
Aswe dance, it washes away all the sneaking, chasing, and being chased from the last couple of days and leaves me… happy.Butnot the small kind of happy— it’s the big kind of emotion thatMackenziepromised would be easier to experience while dancing big.Shewas right.
Thelast notes come to a crescendo, and then we stop dancing.MackenzieandIare looking at each other with grins on our faces, breathing hard and fast.Igrab hold of her hand and hold both of ours up in the air, and then we take a bow before exiting the stage.
EveryoneinMackenzie’sclub immediately surrounds us and tells us we did a good job.Oneof the probable twins hands us each a water bottle, which we gratefully guzzle.Assoon asMackenzietakes a breath from downing water, she says, “Didanyone get pictures of us up there?”
“Idid!”Evesays. “I’llsend them to you right now.”
Theband starts to playMan!IFeellike aWoman!and a line dance is forming, so it’s not long before they all leave to join it and it’s back to just me andMackenzie.
Ican’t stop looking atMackenzie’seyes and marveling at how good she is at getting people to live their lives more fully.Atthis moment, mine feels fuller than ever.
Inod my head toward the area in front of the stage. “Doyou want to dance more?”Thesun has set, and the glow from the strands of lights crisscrossing overhead from one side of the street to the other is just starting to be evident.
Sheshakes her head slightly, her eyes never leaving mine.Untilthey move from my eyes long enough to glance at my lips.Herhair is wild from dancing, a few strands are stuck in curls against her neck, her cheeks are flushed, andI’venever wanted to kiss a woman more thanIdo at this moment.
