WhenMackenzieplaces her ball on the divot made from many swinging putters over many months, determined to get the ball in the hole this time,Iask, “So, do you think your parents should have stopped at two kids?”
Shehits the ball, and we both hold our breath as it goes up the ramp.Itlooks like it might make it, but it’s knocked away.Sheturns to face me. “Absolutelynot!EspeciallybecauseI’mthe third kid.”
Shegrabs her ball andItake a turn.Andit gets sent back down the ramp.
“Mysisters might drive me nuts at times, butIwouldn’t give them up for anything.Familyis important.”Shesays it with such conviction thatIswear it enters my own chest and touches my own conviction. “Wedidn’t have the biggest family ever, butIliked having multiple siblings, even when things got crazy.Mylife is better because of it.”
Asshe is trying again, she asks, “Whatabout you?Doyou want a big family?Orafter having a big one, do you prefer keeping it small?”
Theticket-taker batsMackenzie’sball away again, and as if this is simply what we do now,Iput my ball down and line up my shot.Ihave always seen myself having a big family.WhenI’mno longer using secret identities to chase international terrorists, that is.KnowingthatMackenziewants the same thingI’vealways wanted makes me look at her differently.Somethingis going on in my chest thatIcan’t quite name.
“Idon’t know about six,”Isay, hitting my ball and sending it up the ramp.Assoon as it’s denied,Iadd with a smile, “Iwouldn’t want to have six and then have my kids thinkIshould’ve stopped at four.”
Mackenziesmacks the top of my arm.
Iglance around the course, then in a stage whisper, ask, “Whatwould you say to just dropping our balls in the hole?”
Shegives me a sly grin, and we walk right up to the ticket booth, wait for the rotating arm to be out of the way, then drop our balls into the hole. “Eventhough my siblings are pretty competitive,”Isay, “I’mwith you.Ithink my life is better because of them.Evenwhen there’s a lot of roughhousing and things get really loud.”
Somethinghits the ticket booth, hard, with a resoundingthunk.IgrabMackenzie’sshoulders and press her back against the building, facing me, andImove in tight, blocking as much of her as possible from whatever assault is happening.Mymind whirls.Iglance down the length of her body, quickly checking for injuries.WhenIfind nothing,Iwhip my head around, looking for the threat soIcan determine the best escape route and how to keep her safe.Thelights in this area of the park are bright, but with the sun nearly set, it’s difficult to see beyond the borders of the mini golf course.
Onlythree or four seconds have passed— it’s quick enough that the initial shock hasn’t leftMackenzie’sface yet— whenIhear the four-year-old ahead of us talk.
“Dad, did you see that?Ihit the ball so hard that it jumped clear over that spinny thing and hit that building!Canyou believe how strongIam?”
Thethunkthat sent me into high-alert, protect-at-all-costs mode was a golf ball smacking a fake carnival booth.Hitby a four-year-old with a mini golf club.
Idon’t immediately move.Mybreaths are still coming fast and hard and my heart rate hasn’t returned to normal.I’membarrassed and immediately remorseful.Ihad stopped watching my surroundings— everything that wasn’tMackenzie— and had forgotten for a moment about being an intelligence operative.Inever forget.
Thebest way to be a good covert operative is to be in control of the situation at all times.Partof it is also being adaptable, but adaptable in ways that are still conducive to getting the same carefully crafted outcome.
Andright now,I’mnot at all feeling in control of the situation or what’s going on in my heart.
Theshocked look has leftMackenzie’sface, whichIcan see easily since my face is only about eight inches from hers.I’mstill standing with my hands pressed against the building on either side of her shoulders, the length of my body all but touching hers.
Aslow grin spreads across her face.Then, in a voice of pure amusement, she says, “So…Thatfourth-grade field trip to the mini golf course…Didit come with some golf ball-related trauma?Isthis aPTSresponse?”
“Theydidn’t call meSwingingSasquatchfor nothing.”
“Youknow,”Mackenziesays, and for some reason,Istill haven’t moved, “mini golf can be rather dangerous.Iappreciate you, once again, risking life and limb to protect me from a flying ball.”
“Younever know when a mini golf course might turn into a battlefield.Ilike to be prepared,”Isay, and step back so she can freely move.Ittakes a moment before she does, though, soIknowI’mnot the only one whose heart hasn’t entirely slowed to a normal rhythm.
Afterwe finish the final hole, we walk back to our cars together.It’sfully dark now, except for the glow coming from the street lights surrounding the park and parking lot.Charliehasn’t said anything for a while, butIknow she’s still on the lookout for me.Butright now,Ikind of wish she wasn’t so connected.
WhenIwas recruited to the agency and took a job as a field operative,Ialso accepted that a real relationship couldn’t coexist with the job.Iknew from the start that finding love was something that would have to wait untilIstopped being a covert operative.Ihave enough experience to know what can happen to a family when they try to make it work.
Thismission is to fake a relationship withMackenzie.Thepart of my heart that is squeezing in fear right now tells me thatIam no longer faking it and maybe never was.Thatpart is telling me to run right now.
Butthe elite operative in me dictates thatInever run from a mission.Andthis one isn’t over yet.
Westop at her car, andIsay, “Weactually got to finish a meal this time.”
“Givenour track record, that’s pretty impressive.”
“Whatdo you say we tempt fate and try with an actual restaurant tomorrow?Wecan test whether our luck is tied only to outdoor meals or not.”Inever found an opening to ask her about going with me to the gala andI’mnot going to yet, becauseI’msensing that asking about this one meal is still a big ask.
Mackenzie’sexpression is conflicted, and my mind races through the reasons why she might want to say no to a second date after all that we experienced tonight.Thatlist of reasons in my mind is quickly followed by a list of thingsIcould possibly do to still protect her even if she doesn’t want me around.
