"Just be there and do your best not to get sassy."
"Sassy?! I was born sassy. You can't ask a leopard to change its spots."
"You are not a leopard. You're a lady who if she keeps talking will be single for the rest of her life!"
Dang. Portia was pissy today.
"Fine," I bit out. "Where?"
"Midnight Chuckles."
I suppressed a groan. It was the local comedy club and tonight was open mic. So not only did I have to go on a date with someone named Chuck, I had to watch town members fumble their way through sex jokes. "Sounds super," I said.
"Turn the dial up on that enthusiasm by about twenty five notches. Don't screw this up!"
The line clicked off.
"Chuck." I set down my phone. "Ten to one he's got a pocket protector and bad hair."
It was 6 p.m.I was starving, wearing Spanx, and I realized I had to pee. Totally inconvenient. I looked around for a suitable Chuck but didn't see anyone who fit the bill so I pushed my way into the club to find a restroom and possibly a table. It was already crowded, but there were still a few tables with a good view open. I waved at the hostess, asked if she could seat me and rattled off to her who I was meeting just in case he came in. As soon as she brought me to the table and sat the menu down, I left my sweater on the chair and rushed to the restroom.
When I came out, I saw the same hostess leading a tall gentleman right to my table. From the back, he was decent. Tall, a tad on the slim side. His suit didn't fit all the way properly and his pants were hemmed a little too long.
I began the walk to the table hoping to catch a glimpse of him before I was too close, but to no avail. I'd have to come up almost all the way to my seat to see what he looked like.
Squaring my shoulders, I slapped a smile on my face and as I turned the corner and could see his face, I felt it wobble a smidge. With a Herculean effort, I ignored the pocket protector protruding from chest pocket, and focused on his face.
He was perfectly nondescript. The kind of guy you'd see with an angry wife and kids running roughshod all over him. Perpetually tired and overworked, he seemed like maybe he was a kind man, but he probably played Dungeons and Dragons in his basement for fun.
I must not judge. I sat in my seat and smiled at him.
His average eyes widened. "Well hello!" He smiled wide and I noticed with some dismay that his two front teeth were not just crooked, they were involved in a deep ballroom dance, tangled together like forbidden lovers.
I smiled back, very conscious of my own teeth now and wishing I'd worn my braces retainer for more than two weeks after I'd finally gotten them off after two years. "Hello," I said and extended my hand over the table to him.
He took it and I tried not to cringe at the clamminess of it. I couldn't help myself. I judged people on hand sweat.
Maybe I am not cut out for dating. Maybe Portia is right. Maybe I was just too judgemental jerk.
Once I wiggled out of his clammy handshake, I studied the man again. His teeth might have been hopelessly crooked, but overall his smile was nice and he seemed to have a good disposition. There was something charming about him, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was going to do my best to try to enjoy this date tonight. When the waitress came over I ordered something strong. I didn't say I wouldn't need a little help.
After we ordered and the waitress took our menus away, the conversation fell by the wayside and got a little bit awkward. This was not uncommon with a first date, but since I already had reservations about this, it was a little more difficult for me to try to come up with something to talk about. So Chuck thought he would fill the silence.
Normally this would have been a good idea, had he not started to talk about his one testicle. I was right in the middle of cutting my shrimp appetizer, when he let this tidbit slip. I slowly turned a horror filled look up to my date. He, meanwhile, was cutting away at his own appetizer, completely unfazed by what he had said. I guess having a single testicle wasn't something to be considered weird, at least in his family.
I shook my head and did my best to slap a smile on my face. I only had about another hour before I could excuse myself from this date. I deftly switched the conversation away from his testicle, and back to normal things. Chuck told me he was a salesman in the local area. When I asked him what he sold, he hedged a little bit and looked away from me, so I was immediately suspicious. When I nudged, he admitted that he sold sex toys and did parties within the town of midnight Cove. This made the shrimp in my mouth curdle into a cold lump, and I wondered what else Chuck was hiding. I attempted to laugh it off, but I couldn't hide the tension in my voice. Even Chuck knew he had said too much.
I figured I had about another twenty minutes before my dinner arrived, and another ten before the show started. So I was stuck at least another thirty minutes trying to make conversation with this guy. I took a deep breath and told myself I could do anything.
But it was less than five minutes later when I happened to look over my shoulder and saw a sight I hoped to never see again. Lucas Marsh was sitting just a few tables over, with a gorgeous blond, their table littered with glasses. My heart beat picked up, pounding inside my chest, and my hands went clammy. So I guess it wasn’t just that he didn't want to date, it was that he didn't want to dateme. A sour smile slid onto my face and I looked away before they felt someone staring at them. This was what I got for pining after someone who had zero interest in me.
Chuck noticed my gaze, and his flicked over to Lucas's area. “You know that guy?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I know him.” I didn’t want to go into too much detail on a first date. Well...last date, too, but Chuck didn’t know that. Yet.
Another quick glance over to his table revealed the woman he was with was way too pretty to be real. I wondered if she was a vampire. It was guaranteed, at least in this town, if you saw someone who looked too beautiful to be anything other than an illustration, odds were pretty high they were a vamp. She looked like a blond Jessica Rabbit. Her hair had Veronica Lake waves down to at least her waist. She was sitting down so it was hard to tell. Her face looked like it had been chiseled by an artist. Bright blue eyes were framed by eyelashes that were either fake or blessed by the gods. Blood red lips surrounded a wide perfect smile. Her perfectly manicured hands were curled around what looked to be a Cosmo.
I quickly looked away. Again. If she were a vamp, I had to be really careful.
