‘Being a grown-up is hard.’ Lily sighed. ‘I’m twenty-nine, no real career success, no boyfriend or family. I don’t even own a house and I’m in a local village show, which is the only leading role I’ve had in a year. I’m a bit of a failure.’
‘Don’t speak about the person I love like that,’ Gran admonished. ‘You’re not a failure; you’re just a little bit lost. Stay the course, see where this path takes you.’
As Lily cleaned up after breakfast and prepared a plate of meats and salad for lunch, she thought about Gran’s words.See where this path takes you.
For the past twenty-nine years she had been on a path that hadn’t given her much joy. Everyday felt hard and as though she were dragging herself through a field of rocks and potholes. Nothing had really grown in it and here she was wishing she was twelve again. What would she have done differently? she wondered.
It was a scary thought to even consider she might have had another path than the one she had taken. Her talent had forced her on this path, to say she didn’t want to pursue singing felt like she was ignoring the god of music and singing, who had bestowed it upon her. But who was the god? If she was honest with herself, it was her mother who had pushed Lily on this path. And Lily, being the only child, was afraid to try anything else. Denise wanted this for Lily more than Denise seemed to want anything for herself.
At twelve thirty, Nick arrived with some fresh cherries from the roadside stall and a bottle of lemonade.
‘You are a keeper,’ said Gran to him as she stole a cherry from the punnet.
‘How are you feeling, Violet?’ he asked, sitting down on the sofa.
‘Fine, I’m excellent – feeling thirty-four again.’ She laughed.
Lily leaned against the doorframe to the kitchen. ‘She’s wicked, I tell you that much,’ she said with a smile. Nick looked up at her and she felt her stomach flip.
‘Like grandmother like granddaughter,’ he said and she nodded.
‘Bring your script?’ she asked. ‘I thought we could work in the garden so we don’t annoy Gran.’
After Lily entered the garden, Nick followed her out while carrying the lemonade and cherries that he had brought with him. As the bees settled down at the iron table and chairs that Lily had put up in the shade, the afternoon sun was warm but not oppressive, and the soft hum of the bees floated on the air. After she had poured each of them a glass of water, she moved the punnet of cherries in the direction of Nick and thumbed the wet condensation that was already forming tiny droplets on the sides of the glasses.
After popping a cherry into his mouth and tossing the stem into the plate that Lily had brought out, Nick smiled. ‘It really is lovely. No wonder you enjoy being here so much.
While staring out across the garden, Lily gave a slight nod. The heavy heads of the hydrangeas were swaying gently in the breeze thanks to the fact that they were in full bloom. ‘To me, it has always seemed like a safe haven. I can be completely myself here.’
‘And you couldn’t at home?’ Nick questioned when he was reclining in his chair. He had his gaze set on her, and she could sense the way his eyes searched her face.
After a moment of hesitation, Lily looked down at her glass. ‘There are times,’ she said carefully. She paused. ‘That it feels like life has already written the script for me, and I am merely playing along.’
Nick cocked his head to the side, a crease appearing on his forehead. ‘What exactly do you mean?’
She let out a sigh as she reached for a cherry. ‘I mean, do you ever get the feeling that you’re unable to change the direction that you’re heading in? Consider the following scenario: you are adhering to a plan that was devised for you by another individual, and you are too afraid to deviate from it because… what if there is nothing else?’
Nick thought for a moment and then he leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. ‘I think everyone has experienced that at some point in their lives. The question for you is, can you rewrite your own story now?’
‘Have you always wanted to be a nurse?’
He shook his head. ‘Nope, I actually thought I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t get the marks, so I thought I’d try nursing and then try and get into university for medicine. And then I started nursing and haven’t thought about being a doctor again. I think I get to do more in this role, and I love talking to people and the change of patients and being able to zip about and help people in their own homes. Like Gran – helping her has been a highlight.’ He smiled at her and she felt her stomach flutter, but she also felt a faint sinking in her chest. It was obvious that Nick had everything figured out. At all times, he gave off the impression of being so stable, so confident in himself, as if he was completely aware of his place in the world. In comparison, it made her feel even more disorientated and confused. He probably thought she was a flake.
She sighed. ‘I wish I had that kind of certainty. I can’t help but feel I’m on the wrong road. Nothing is really happening and I can’t continue like this. I don’t even know if I still enjoy it or if I’m just doing it because… well, because I don’t know what else I’d do and this was all I was told I could do.’
Nick gazed at her for a brief period. His blue eyes seemed brighter in the light. ‘I don’t think it’s ever too late to change paths. You always have the option to try something else if you find that something isn’t making you happy. Change doesn’t have to be bad but, Lily, this is your life. The choice of what you want it to be is entirely up to you. I mean who else is pushing you?’
She wondered if she could explain her mother to him without sounding completely pathetic.
‘My mum, she really wants this for me. I would disappoint her, and probably Gran. I mean she adores the theatre.’
Nick shrugged. ‘But they’ve had their turn; this is your turn. You can do something different. It won’t make the world stop, I promise.’
It felt as if his words were hanging in the air between them, laden with possibility. What would it look like if she changed her life? She wanted to believe him, but the idea of beginning over, of abandoning everything she had worked for, seemed inconceivable to her; yet he made it seem so simple, attainable.
A slight grin formed on Lily’s face as the sincerity in his voice pulled at something that was buried deep within her. ‘It sounds easy when you say it, but I don’t know how to do anything else.’ There was a small lack of confidence in her voice. She couldn’t explain how raw and exposed she felt as she sat with him, yet it also felt safe to tell him she was questioning her future.
When Nick leaned forward once more, this time with his elbows resting on the table, the space that separated them felt electrified and electric for a brief instant. ‘So what would you do if you could do anything? Would you want the big career on the stage? Eight shows a week for a year or more for the rest of your life? Or what else would you want? How does your life look if you didn’t have that?’
