Amanda pushed her non-existent art career out of her mind as she threw the coffee cup in the rubbish bin outside the building where she worked. She took the elevator to the fourteenth floor and nodded at the receptionist who scared her most days. She was an ex-model who never quite got enough bookings, who was now working her way into a role in the office that involved duties other than looking predatorily beautiful and bored. She was a hyena who Amanda tried to avoid whenever she could.
‘Amanda, Greg wants to see you,’ the hyena hissed and Amanda swore she was smirking at Amanda’s outfit of a denim pinafore and a red checked shirt. In hindsight, she realised she looked like Raggedy Ann with her red curls and black boots. The dress was the only thing that was clean though, and the red shirt had been her mom’s. The collar still smelled of Diorissimo and there was a tiny hole where her mom used to put one of her many ebullient brooches over her beautiful, warm heart.
Amanda wanted to go to her desk and do her work and count down the hours until she could go home and lie in bed and cry, but if Greg – her very exacting boss – wanted to see her she had no choice.
Greg was sitting at the small round table in his office instead of at his desk. In front of him were some papers turned upside down. Her stomach started to churn at the sight of them and Greg’s very serious face when she sat down in the chair he gestured to. Greg was a bull, and he didn’t ever spin any bullshit.
‘How are you, Amanda?’ he asked, and she wondered if it was a trick question.
‘Fine,’ she lied.
‘Listen, I’ll get right to it. This is a hard time in the industry, and I know you have had a hard time personally.’
She nodded because she wanted him to know she understood, even though she didn’t.
‘Which is why we need people who are entirely focused and passionate about bookings.’
Amanda heard the train coming down the track. She was tied down; she couldn’t move.
‘Okay,’ she encouraged.Just run me over already,she wanted to say.Get it over and done with.
‘So, I’m letting you go. You seem to have your priorities elsewhere and while we have been patient and accommodating, you have hardly been in to work.’
‘That’s not true,’ she argued.
‘You were in two days last week – no word on the other days. I mean, we can only do so much. I have a business to run.’
Amanda tried to think back to the previous week. She thought she had been in every day, but Greg had just told her it was only two days.
Her mind flicked over the week before. Admittedly, the days blurred into each other and she couldn’t say if it was true or not. All she knew was that every day since her mother’s death even waking up felt like a punishment.
Greg was speaking and she tried to bring her attention back to her own firing.
He was pushing the papers across the table towards her.
‘We have been very generous we believe, with a pay-out of two months’ salary and of course we will be your reference to whatever job you decide to apply for when you get better.’
What could she say? It was generous. She wasn’t doing her job properly; she hadn’t been since her mom had become ill. There was only so much of her drama and anguish the company could take on.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, and her voice cracked with pain and embarrassment.
‘Don’t be sorry. You’re having a hard time, kid. Be good to yourself and do what you need to do to remember your mom in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re betraying her by living.’
It was the most profound and right thing anyone had said to her in the eight weeks since Wendy’s death.
Every decision she made that moved her forward felt like treachery to her mom’s memory.
Amanda picked up the pen that was on the table, scrawled her signature on the papers and pushed them back to Greg.
‘Thank you for being so kind and I’m sorry I let you and the business down.’
Greg shook his head. ‘You didn’t let anyone down. Now go and find some peace, okay?’
When Amanda left the building, the receptionist didn’t even look up at her, and she didn’t bother to collect anything from her desk. She had nothing of herself at work, not even friends. It was always supposed to be a layover job until she found something that she liked more. Two years later it was a longer stay than she would have liked but leaving after so much change hadn’t been an option until Greg decided for her.
She needed to go home and gather her scattered thoughts and tackle the mess. Perhaps today would be the day she could put some order into her world.
The train ride back was quiet and when she passed Arnold at the coffee stand on the way home, he laughed and asked her if she had forgotten something.
