Born out of wedlock in Charlestown, Nevis, Hamilton was orphaned as a child… And the truth behind Ava’s bucket list slides into focus. ‘You want to go to Nevis because he was born there! Of course.’
Ava returns with two mugs of coffee and a plate of sugared amaretto biscuits balanced on a tray. ‘Nice detective work, Jellybean.’
Jean folds both legs underneath herself, making room for Ava to sit, and accepts the proffered coffee. ‘You really admire him.’
It’s not a question.
Ava nods. ‘As a lawyer, anyway. He didn’t treat the women in his life particularly well. But Hamilton was brilliant too. The way he used the law as a tool to reshape the world, to build… That inspires me.’
‘No wonder you want to make a pilgrimage.’
‘One day.’ Ava ducks her head as she drinks. ‘It would mean a lot to me.’
A companionable silence settles between them, broken only by the faint pulse of music from a neighbouring flat. Jean sips from the steaming cup until its contents revive her.
In a few hours the sun will climb high enough to wash over the estate, glittering bright in every column of windows. It’ll melt the dew from the grass, and burn through the tender shoots of friendship growing between her and Ava. If Jean is to make any kind of confession, now is the time. ‘I’m sorry I shot you down over the bucket list question in Bernard’s workshop. I wasn’t trying to give you nothing. And I’m sorry it came across that way.’
Ava neither accepts nor declines the apology, but she rests a reassuring hand against the curve of Jean’s knee as she thinks, touch warm through sheer tights. ‘Then what was it?’
‘I didn’t know what I wanted.’ Jean lifts a biscuit from the plate, more for something to do with her hands than from any real hunger. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve thought to want anything outside of my career goals. They’ve defined everything – had to, for me to reach this point. But now I’m about to get everything I hoped for, and I wonder…’
‘What?’ Ava’s voice is gentle, her expression free from judgement. There’s only the same intent curiosity that Jean still hasn’t grown used to sparking.
‘I wonder what will be left to want for after this next promotion.’ Only when the words hang in the air between them does it occur to Jean, just how much she has exposed here. ‘God, that’s depressing. Forget I said anything – I drank too much at dinner.’
But Ava only shakes her head. ‘It’s natural to feel that way. It’s how the rat race is designed. We make getting to the next big thing our priority – a degree, a pay rise, a promotion, a new job – and that urgency doesn’t leave much room for reflection. But it’s good to start asking yourself those questions.’
‘It is?’ Nothing about the gaping, empty pit that’s opened up beneath her feels good. Success is like walking a tightrope: the balancing act only works if you don’t look down.
‘Definitely.’ Ava pops a biscuit into her mouth and chews, spraying crumbs over herself in her excitement. ‘Hey, that’s what we’ll do! Before we go to sleep, we’ll brainstorm bucket list ideas.’
The sweetness of it forms an ache behind Jean’s breastbone. ‘Ava, it’s after midnight—’
‘But still night. You said friendship for one night only – as far as I’m concerned, that counts until morning.’ Still Ava watches her, and the magnetic lure of those big brown eyes pulls Jean back in.
‘You’re such a lawyer.’ Jean reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind her ear, hair she will never grow tired of knotting her fingers in, at once silken and springy.
‘Guilty as charged.’ Ava covers Jean’s hand with her own, holding it in place against her cheek. ‘But I think that’s why you like me, or at least part of it.’
‘Mm.’ Jean neither confirms nor denies, but she’s had the same thought herself about the ease between them. She brushes the downy skin of Ava’s cheek with her thumb.
Ava closes her eyes, leaning into the touch. Her breath is warm against the inside of Jean’s wrist. ‘Let’s start off simple. Are there any new places you want to visit?’
In the earlier years of Jean’s marriage, Henry had taken great pleasure in planning trips to all the obvious destinations. Paris, Venice, Rome… everywhere that the world was meant for two. And as she’d climbed the ranks at DDH there came skiing trips in the Swiss Alps, weeks spent sunning herself and swimming through the tropical blue ocean by Peter’s home in the Bahamas. If the marriage had lasted, no doubt Henry would have suggested a sunny second home of their own. But after the divorce there was no longer any need to maintain the pretence of caring about time off.
‘Not the southwest,’ Jean says, conscious that Ava is watching her. ‘Not Devon. Beyond that… I don’t know.’
‘If you don’t want to go southwest, you could go northeast.’ At last Ava breaks away, retrieving her phone from the table and scanning a map of Britain. ‘What about… Edinburgh?’
Jean sets her empty cup and saucer down. ‘Why there?’
‘Why not?’ Ava shrugs. ‘The whole point of a bucket list is to experience new things. It doesn’t have to be that deep. Mine includes going to the USA for a stack of IHOP pancakes.’
The castle, Arthur’s Seat, craggy beaches… It’s not a bad thought. ‘Alright. My bucket list now has one item.’
‘That’s one hundred per cent more than it had this time yesterday.’ Ava drops a kiss on Jean’s forehead. ‘Well done.’
Jean rests her cheek against the curve of Ava’s shoulder, warm and full and close to contentment. Her eyelids are heavy, even with the caffeine coursing through her body, but she blinks them open. She can’t waste these stolen moments on sleep.
