This was part of the evening he had planned for me. And I wanted to remember. How could I not want to remember loving this beautiful man? I slid my hand into his and he pulled me to my feet. His hand squeezed mine as we walked into the living room and stopped in front of the amazing view.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.
He spun me around and pulled me into his chest. Our laughter drifted together. It felt right to have his hands on my waist. I lightly wrapped my hands around the back of his neck. All of it felt right. But there was still a note in my pocket that claimed I didn’t love all this. That I wasn’t happy even though life had handed me everything I could possibly dream of. I had to ask him about it. But I didn’t want to break the spell. “What song is this?”
James spun me again. “Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional.”
“And it means something to you?”
He lifted one of his hands off my waist and placed it on my cheek. “To us. We played this song during our first dance at our wedding. It was also the first song we ever danced to when we started dating. We were on a walk in Central Park.”
My mouth felt dry. I could picture it so clearly.
We walked slowly back toward the hotel. It was nice walking through the street holding hands like a normal couple. We'd never be able to do this on Main Street. Maybe he was right. Disclosing our relationship would be for the best. I heard music playing in the distance.
A smile spread across Professor Hunter's face. "Come with me." We jogged into Central Park until we came to a guitarist. He was strumming his guitar and singing. I laughed as Professor Hunter twirled me and then pulled me in close.
His hand was on the small of my back. It reminded me of when he had walked me home in the rain. The smell of him and the look in his eyes took my breath away.
"Do you know this song?" My voice sounded airy. I wanted to know what it was so I could find it on YouTube and remember this moment forever.
"I believe it's called Hands Down." He twirled me again and placed both of his hands on my waist.
"Every day I spend with you I fall harder and harder." I looked up into his eyes.
He leaned down and kissed me. When the song ended he didn't pull away. We kept swaying to the loud sounds of the city. "I should get you home."
"Does that mean going home with you? Or are you sending me back to my dorm?"
He laughed. "I'd like to bring you home with me."
"I don't want tonight to end." I put my hands in his hair and brought his lips back down to mine.
There was a quiet groan in his throat as he pulled away. "I love you, Penny."
"I love you, James."
“Penny?” James’ voice pulled me back to the present. Or out of my fantasy? Or out of whatever that was.
I felt it. I felt his story come to life. My mind filled in the details. Whether it was memories or fantasies I had no idea. But the image of us in Central Park made my heart pound faster. And my breath catch. It was perfect. Too perfect. It made me sick knowing what would happen to us after that dance. How we’d slowly break.
“Do you remember?” His voice sounded so hopeful as his eyes searched mine. He had seen me leave the present. He had seen my mind go somewhere else.
I shook my head without really even focusing on his question. “I don’t know.”
“Baby, you have to try. Tell me what you were thinking. Tell me you saw our first dance on our wedding night. Tell me you remember.”
My heart pounded faster.I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.My mind was spinning.
He pulled me closer, his cologne making it harder to think straight. I felt like I was suffocating.
“I need you to try,” he said. “I need you.”
All I needed was air. And space. Hadn’t I just asked him to take things slow? “Why? Because I’m the light to your darkness? That’s what you said, right? James, that’s too much pressure. You can’t put all your happiness on me. That’s not realistic.”
“If you would just let your heart…”
“I don’t remember, James. I’m sorry. I can’t remember.” I shook my head and pushed his hands away from me. “And even if I could…I don’t know if I’d be happy.”
