James said they needed me. But who was I kidding? I could barely take care of myself. I had run away from home like a child. I still felt like a kid myself. My last memories were from when I was a teenager. I wanted kids someday, but way way in the future. I bit the inside of my lip.
“She’s sound asleep.”
I looked up at James. He was holding a pillow and a folded set of sheets. He was making good on his word to sleep in a separate bed. Just like he had been making good on his promises by not touching me for the rest of the evening.
“I can sleep in the guest room,” I said. “Really, I don’t mind.”
He shook his head. “That’s okay. You’ll be more comfortable upstairs.”
Wouldn’t he be too? But he didn’t look like he wanted to negotiate. Actually, it didn’t look like he wanted to talk at all. I shrugged my shoulders. “Thank you for today. For trying to remind me.”
“If you need anything, I’ll be down the hall.”
“Okay.”
He took a step and then stopped. “Sometimes when Scarlett’s scared, she climbs into bed with us. But I told her I’d be down here, so she shouldn’t be bothering you.” He looked over his shoulder toward the stairs. “It might be best if you lock the door, just in case she forgets.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind.”
He nodded. “I’m going to head to bed.”
I wanted to ask him what happened to us. I wanted to know if I was still really in danger. But he looked so tired. And sad. I knew how badly he wanted to walk away right now. So I needed to let him. The pit in my stomach kept growing. “Goodnight, James.”
His eyes locked with mine. “Goodnight, Penny.” He waited the briefest of moments before dropping his gaze down to the blankets in his arms and walking away.
I knew he was hoping a switch would go off in my head. That I’d suddenly remember. I wanted to remember. For my kids. Maybe for him too.
The apartment felt empty and cold when he disappeared down the hall. I wrapped my arms around myself. I hadn’t even realized I was shivering. And I had the oddest feeling that if things didn’t change, I’d always feel this cold and alone. But how could I change them when I barely understood the woman I had become.
I brushed away a tear as I made my way up the stairs. One of the doors that had been previously locked was open. I tiptoed toward it, almost afraid of what I’d see on the other side.
But it was just Scarlett’s bedroom. A nightlight was pretty bright in the small room, casting way more light than shadows. She was already sound asleep, hugging a stuffed animal close to her chest. I smiled. When I was little, I used to always sleep with astuffed animal too. And with a nightlight. I was basically scared of the dark until high school.
I watched her peaceful little face. And I felt drawn to her. Like a piece of my heart belonged tucked against her chest instead of that stuffed animal. It was the oddest sensation when I didn’t even know her. Maybe my heart remembered even though my head didn’t. I hoped that was true. I hoped that I was able to connect with her.
Scarlett sniffled in her sleep and turned away from me. I tiptoed back out of the room and stared at the door next to hers in the hall. I walked over and tried to turn the knob, but it was still locked. I had my suspicions of what it was. Liam’s room. A cute little nursery for a baby that might never even see it.
I let go of the knob and wiped away more tears. My family was broken. I needed to figure out how to fix it. I had to try.
