City of Sin - Chapter 63
Bee
I stepped off the bus and pulled on my hat and gloves. The city had felt cold because I was alone. That's why I had thought it seemed so much colder than back in Wilmington. I had never been alone at home. I had my mom and my friends. And then I had Patrick. Love somehow created this internal heat so I never noticed the wind biting at my cheeks. But I was cold now, colder than I'd ever been. I pulled my coat tighter around myself.
With each step I had taken away from Mason's apartment earlier, I had to will myself to keep going. All I wanted to do was run back to him and tell him that I was sorry. That I wanted to work through our fight. I knew that he hadn't read through my notebook with the intention of stealing my ideas. He had just been looking for a sheet of paper to leave me a sweet note. He was a good guy, no matter how bad he said he was. But he didn't seem to want to be the man that I saw. He reverted so quickly back to his old ways as soon as things got hard.
My feet crunched in the snow on the sidewalk. I would have followed Mason anywhere.Just like I had followed Patrick to New York?I shook the thought away. I fell too hard, too fast. I hadn't learned from my mistakes. I fell for another jerk. And I loved him. I loved him so much.
But the truth was, Mason didn't feel that way about me. I had told him I loved him and he told me I was easy, like every other girl he had ever met. And maybe I was. Mason was only the second person I had ever slept with, but I jumped into bed withhim. I didn't hesitate at all. I fell for his smooth talking and dirty mouth.God his mouth...
Stop it!I was done. I was done with love. And for the moment I was done with New York. I needed to feel like I could breathe again. I thought coming back would make me feel better. But it was just as cold here as it was in New York. Maybe even colder. Because tonight I felt so alone, like a piece of me was missing.
It wasn't too late to go back. I could still tell Mason that I was sorry for jumping to conclusions and for not hearing him out. I walked up the front steps and stopped outside of the door. But I couldn't swallow my pride this time. Mason didn't want me anymore. I didn't want to give up on what we had, but I didn't see any other option.He doesn't want you. He never did.All he had to do was tell me to stay, like he had the other night. But now that made sense too. He was guilty and could barely even face me. That's why it looked like he was worried about losing me. He just wanted a few more nights with me. For my body. Because that's all it ever was.
I knocked on the door and tried to stop the tears from coming.
A minute later my mom opened the door. "Bee? Bee what are you doing here?"
I was never good at controlling my emotions. Just seeing my mom made me feel like I was back in grade school. "Mom," I said, choking through a sob.
"Oh, sweetie." She pulled me into the house. It was warm inside. But I was still cold. Even when she wrapped her arms around me I still shivered.
"I keep making the same mistakes," I said into her shoulder.
My mom laughed. "I'm guessing this is about Mason?" She patted my back and released me from her hug. "Come in and sit. Did you want something to drink?"
That was always my mom's go to thing for house guests. Making sure they weren't parched. I didn't need a cup of hot tea, though. I needed a serving tray full of shots. "I'm okay."
"You don't seem okay," she said as she sat down and gestured for me to sit beside her.
I sat down and pulled off my gloves. "After what happened with Patrick I told myself I needed to take things slow. To take the time to see if a guy was worth my time."
"It doesn't matter how old you get, you still fall just as hard." My mom gave me a sympathetic smile. "It's about the heart not the head."
"But I knew better. Everyone told me he wasn't a good guy. Heck,heeven told me he wasn't a good guy."
"And is that what you want? A good guy to settle down with?"
I put my face in my hands. My face felt like ice against my palms.
My mom ran her hand up and down my back. "You can't plan everything out, Bee. That's not how life works. So what is it that you really want?"
"Well I should be able to plan a little better than this." I lifted my face out of my hands. "I don't even know what I want anymore, Mom. I moved to New York because I was in love. And when Patrick and I broke up, I told myself I had to stay to prove to everyone that I had what it took to make it. But I only just realized that it wasn't what I wanted. None of it was what I wanted. I'm just scared of being alone." As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. My mom was alone. My father had walked out on us and left her devastated. Just because I was upset didn't mean I had to be inconsiderate.
"You're never alone, Bee." She put her hand on my forearm. Even though I had basically just said I didn't want to turn out like her, here she was taking care of me.
"I know." I swallowed hard. "I got fired."
"From a job you hated."
"Yeah, but it paid the bills."
"Barely. That job wasn't what you wanted. Now tell me what you really want."
"I don't know what I want." I stood up. "Why do you keep asking me that? I don't know, Mom. I don't know."
"You do know. You know and you're scared to say it because you're sick of being hurt. That's not living, Bee. You don't have to admit it to me, but you know what you want. At least tell yourself. What do you want?"
