A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 8
Thursday
I wasn’t sure I had ever felt so awkward in my life. Looking at our wedding spot in the distance, standing by a man I didn’t know, and feeling so lost. I didn’t know how to clear the tension in the air. And as soon as I thought about the awkwardness, I realized I was missing a whole element of it. On top of everything else, I was alone with a man I didn’t know. All alone. In this huge apartment. What did he want me to do?
“So where do I sleep?” I asked.Really? You’re jumping right to the sleeping arrangements? What is wrong with you?I could feel my face turning red.
He smiled down at me.
God, his smile made me nervous. “Forget that last question. Is it okay if I go for a run? I think I just need some fresh air.” The park across the street was calling to me. Maybe if I got in the very middle of it, I’d forget I was in the city.Unlikely.
“You don’t like to run,” he said.
I shrugged. “Usually I don’t. But I feel like it today.”
“No, I mean you really don’t like to run. You hate running. Trust me.”
I think I know myself better than you do.I bit the inside of my lip.I think.“So you know that but you don’t know my favoritemovie? Interesting.” I tried to give him what I hoped was a playful smile and not a horrified one.
“Have you ever considered that when we met, that was no longer your favorite movie?”
No.Why would it change? “So what do you think it is?”
“You don’t have one. You’ve always claimed that you don’t. You’re adamant about it really.”
“And yet, I know my favorite movie. You’re the one that doesn’t.”
He laughed, but it sounded exasperated. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to tell me anything that makes sense. It doesn’t seem like you know me at all.”
“You’ve changed a lot in seven years.”
“So much so that I’ve lost myself?” I didn’t mean for the words to spill out, but they did. And now it was too late. I hated that he looked hurt because of me.
“Some stupid movie doesn’t define you, Penny.”
“I’m not saying it does.” My breathing was growing uneven. I should have been backtracking, going back to make-believe, but I couldn’t stop myself. “And I’m not even talking about the movie. I mean all of this.” I gestured to the enormous living room. “This isn’t me. I like simple things. Homey things.”
“I know. It’s one of the many reasons why I love you.”
“Then why do we live here? What happened to me to make me say all of this was okay?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, and I had the oddest sensation that if he hadn’t, his fist would have gone through one of the walls.
“You fell in love with me,” he said. “We fell in love. And we made all these decisions together. You love it here. All our family and friends are here.”
“Oh, my parents live in New York?” I couldn’t imagine them leaving their jobs in Wilmington. They loved them.How strange.
“I meant everyone besides your parents.”
“I see.” This conversation was pointless. I never should have started it. “I think what you meant was that your family and friends are here. Not mine.”
“They're yours too.”
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to throw all the stupid decorative pillows off the couch. But I heard my doctor’s voice in the back of my head. I was supposed to play along. Would me agreeing with James take away the worry line on his forehead? Would it really make everything smoother? Because it didn’t feel like it would for me. I took a deep breath. Pretending made it easier for everyone but me.
“Penny.” He stepped closer to me. Too close. His cologne was polluting my air supply.
