“It’s okay. It’s okay.” I hugged him, pressing the side of my face against his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat.It’s going to be okay.My life without him would be meaningless and without purpose. I needed him. I’d take whatever part of him he’d offer. And besides, he came back to me. He fought so hard to win me over the past few weeks. He was there with me every moment.Except for when you went into labor and he was with another woman. When you really needed him and only his brother was there. Stop.
It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t have tried to help me remember if he wasn’t sorry. He could have left. He could have never come back. But he was here. Right here. Holding me. I squeezed him tighter and then pulled away. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry. We should get pizza. And I think I will take that drink.”
His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “Okay. Grottos sounds perfect to me too.” He tucked me into his side and guided us toward my favorite pizza joint.
I wanted to be happy that my memories were all intact. That we were here to help Liam. That for just one moment, everything had been so normal. I never even realized how much I craved normalcy until a minute ago. But all I could focus on now was the thought of James’ infidelities. Was it just that once? More?
All I knew for sure was that he didn’t want me to remember the day that I had Liam. That it would be for the best. So why was he going to bring it up now? I could keep pretending like I didn’t remember. I’d pretend my whole life if it meant he still wanted me. I kept trying to push the memory aside. To let it go. To stomp on it and set it on fire and burn it to hell. But it just sat there. Right at the forefront of my thoughts.Stop.
A hostess guided us to our table. She was probably a college student, still here for the summer. Most likely as young as I had been when I met James. I stared daggers at her.
“Thanks,” James said as she showed us to our seats. He smiled at her before she walked away.
Was James checking her out? It seemed like he was checking her out. Who smiles at a stranger so sincerely? Would he sneak out of our apartment tonight and come back to her? It felt like I had a knife in my heart. Slowly twisting. Was this how it would always be now? Me wondering what if?
“Penny, I really need to get this off my chest.” He reached across the table and lowered the menu from my hands.
“To make you feel better? Or is this for me?” I wasn’t sure where the question came from. But it was true. This wasn’t about me.He’d feel better if he admitted it. I wouldn’t. I’d feel like fucking shit.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Both.”
I stared at him. If that was true, maybe I was wrong about what this was about. What if where he was the day I went into labor was a misunderstanding? I stared into his eyes. “You’re sure about that?”
He shook his head and it looked like he was gazing behind me, lost in thought. “It would make me feel better. I don’t like keeping things from you.”
That already felt like a confession to me. “Is whatever you have to say going to hurt me?”
He looked pained. “I’m sorry, Penny.”
The waiter walked over and asked if we were ready to order. James immediately sent him away before I could even open my mouth.
I stared at my husband. It didn’t seem like he was going to let this go. The confession was tearing him apart. He looked more tired than ever. He looked the way I felt. Defeated. Truly and utterly defeated.
“James, if getting this secret off your chest is only going to benefit you, I don’t want to hear it,” I said.
“But you need to know.”
“I don’t want to know. Can’t you talk to your therapist about this instead of me? Get it off your chest with him? And we can just keep…living. We can pretend everything is normal until it becomes normal again.”
The pain in his eyes seemed to sharpen as he stared at me. The vulnerability was gone. Now he just looked pissed at me. “I want to talk to my wife. Not a stranger.”
“Dr. Green is hardly a stranger. You’ve been seeing him for longer than I’ve known you. He can help you work through this, right?”
“I haven’t been seeing him for the past few weeks.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s no point.” Everything that came out of my mouth just made him angrier. “Penny, you can’t just hide from the truth no matter how much it hurts. This isn’t just about me. It’s about you too.”
“Really? It’s about me? So it’s my fault?”Asshole.
“What? That’s not…”
“God, James. All I’ve ever done was love you.”
“I know. And all I’ve ever done was love you.” He reached for my hands across the table, but I pulled mine onto my lap.
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
