I started walking back and forth. “You’re not real, and I don’t know why I can’t make you go back into my imagination. Not that I’ve been imagining you. I’d imagine someone my own age would want to marry me. At some point. Way in the future. Not any time soon. I’m too young to be married.”
“Penny.” He started walking around the bed.
“I’m 19. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see that I’m too young for whatever the hell this is?” I gestured back and forth between us. “You’re 34.”
“Penny.” He stopped a few feet away from me, giving me the space I desperately needed.
I flung open the blinds to see that the city was still below me and started pacing faster. “What the hell am I doing in New York City? I hate the city. I hate it here. I wouldn’t choose to be here unless I lost my mind!” I realized I was waving my hands around, but couldn’t stop.
“We decided that…”
“We?” I said. “There is no we. And all those people I met yesterday? Those aren’t my friends. And you’re not my husband. This,” I said and pointed to my ring finger. “Was just a terrible self-tanner accident. We’re not married. It’s impossible. And whatever is going on with my skin,” I gestured to my face, “is a weird hospital mirror trick. I don’t have wrinkles next to my eyes. Teenagers don’t have wrinkles.”
“They’re laugh lines,” James said. “And I love them. I love every part…”
I held up my hand so he wouldn’t come any closer. “What, you’re telling me you love this?” I gestured to my beer belly. “Am I just fat or did something happen to me? Did I lose my liver? Do livers make you sane? Why can’t I remember what the fuck a liver does?” I was screaming now. Screaming, pacing, and flailing my arms around like a maniac.
“Penny, if you’d just calm down I can tell you everything you want to know.”
“I don’t want you to tell me. I want the doctors to tell me. You’re not even real. I’ve just lost my damned mind.”
“Penny, please…” He reached out for me, his hand connecting with my forearm.
I felt the same shock as before. He was strong. And kind and patient. I wanted to be able to lean into him and let him fix everything. But I couldn’t lean on a figment of my imagination. “I’ve lost my mind.” I rushed past him toward the door.
“Penny, don’t go out there…”
But I had already flung the door open and was running out of the room. I needed fresh air. I couldn’t breathe in this hospital.
“Penny, stop!”
I flung open a door at the end of the hall. Strangers turned toward me from their seats in the waiting room. No, not complete strangers. I had met several of them yesterday. Some of James’ friends. His father. My eyes landed on my parents.Thank God.I was just about to yell for my mom, but someone beat me to it.
“Mommy!”
I turned around to see a little girl with bright red hair running toward me. I saw another reflection of myself. A younger version of me. She looked exactly like I did when I was a kid. And Ifelt something snap in my head. Like any sanity I had left had evaporated.
I was watching myself from my past. I wasn’t actually here. Was I dead? I felt tears start to fall down my cheeks. My life was replaying before me. I stepped out of the way of my childhood self, wondering if she’d be able to just run right through me anyway.
But instead of going toward my parents, she turned toward me. I stepped to the side again, and she altered her path again.
The little girl threw herself on me, wrapping her small arms around my legs. “Mommy, Mommy. I missed you.” She peppered kisses on my thigh.
“You have the wrong person, sweetheart,” I said as calmly as I could muster. “Your mom is over there.” I pointed to my mother.
The little girl pulled back from me and cocked her head to the side as she studied me. “No, you’re my mommy. That’s Grandma.”
What?
“She’s your mommy, Mommy. The stork brought you to her. Like he brought me to you and Daddy. And Liam too. He’s the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world. Do you want to see?” She grabbed my hand.
I immediately pulled away and took a step back. I collided into a strong chest. The smell of James’ cologne engulfed me. It felt like I was suffocating. I stepped away from him.
“Penny.” He reached for me, but I backed away.
“No.”
“Penny, let’s get back to your room.” He reached for me again.
