Penelope’s head dropped in shame. He was right. “I know.” She hated it, but she wouldn’t deny it. She wouldn’t do that to him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I don’t know why… it was… it was what I’d always wanted from him before. For him to want me like that. I don’t know how to….” She paused, fighting past her insecurities. Finn deserved an explanation, regardless of whether it hurt her to say it out loud. “There was always a certain amount of disgust in his eyes, even if I didn’t realize exactly what it was at first. It was there. But that night, it wasn’t, and for just a second, I got lost in the want—in seeing what I had always wanted to see before. But I knew, Finn,” she looked back up, hoping he heard the sincerity in her words. “I knew right then that I didn’t want him. I didn’t want him to touch me, didn’twant him near me, didn’t want ever even to hear him say my name again,” she shivered in revulsion. “I should have known instantly. I shouldn’t have needed that moment. I had you. And if I’m the one who’s messed everything up because of that stupid moment, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Messed everything up? You? Whoa, whoa, what are you talking about? What’s messed up?”
“Don’t lie to me, Finn.” It was her turn to be angry. She spit the words out at him, days of holding everything in finally bubbling over. “Don’t do that. I know you know things haven’t been the same between us. And if you’re asking about the kiss….”
“No. Stop. Penelope. I shouldn’t have asked.” He shook his head back and forth, lifting his hands imploringly. “I knew… I mean, I understand. What he put you through. He fucked with your head. I get that as much as I hate it.”
“Then what?” she asked, pleading to understand. “Because something is off, and all I want to do is fix it. And I don’t know how. And I feel like you’ve already left me before you’re even gone.”
“Stop,” he took a step forward as if he might finally close the distance between them, holding himself back at the last few inches. “All right, you want to know the truth? Here’s the truth. I’m so angry at that asshole. But I’m angrier at myself.” His voice was held at a contained level, but the devastation in it was evident. “I should have been the one to pull him off you. I should have been the one to knock him to the ground by punching him in the face. I hate that Seamus did it—that I just stood there and did nothing. And I can’t help feeling like I let you down. Like I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. How can you not feel like I let you down when I know I did?”
This revelation hit like a ton of bricks, almost buckling her knees. That he could think any of that was his fault, that shemight even blame him. “Finn, I….” The words were all there now, too many of them, each fighting its way out.
“It’s okay.” His shoulders slumped in defeat. “I understand.”
“No!” she finally yelled, terrified of missing her chance to make things right. “No, you obviously don’t understand. That you could even think that.”
He looked up, the hope in his eyes nearly breaking her heart.
“Finn, you did save me in all the ways that matter. You let me know I was loveable. I honestly didn’t think that was possible or that I would even want to take that chance again. But with you, it all felt right. It always felt right until recently. And I hate that I let him kiss me. But God, am I glad I slapped him. I’m glad I got to tell him what I needed to say. Because that’s what I needed to make him stop haunting me. He’s everything in the past. I want you to be my future.”
It all tumbled out of her mouth so fast she didn’t know what she was saying until she was finished. Then she stood, empty and exposed, hoping he felt the same.
It looked as if an actual weight had been lifted from him. Finn rose to his full height, his shoulders straightening until he was looking down on her with his floppy brown hair falling over his forehead, the last of the light catching his sea-green eyes as they peeked through it.
She knew that if he wanted to, he had the power, at that moment, to break her all over again.
“God, I love you.” Finally, he closed the distance between them, scooping her up before she knew what was happening. She let out a shriek as he lowered them both to the ground until they were sitting. Arms encircling her, he pressed his forehead to hers.
“I thought you were trying to say goodbye to me.” Her fingers gripped his shirt, holding it tight. “I thought that’s why youwanted to see the apartments. To show me my future without you.”
“You stupid girl,” he said, rocking his head against hers. “I wanted to know everything about where you would be. So that when I call you, and text you, and send you stupid cards, I can picture where you are. I don’t know how we’re going to make this work. But we will. I promise we will. If you want it as badly as I do.”
“I do, Finn. I really do. But I’m so scared,” she admitted.
“I know.” His breathing was ragged as he tucked her head under his chin, pulling her against his chest. “Me too.”
“I’m going to try to push forward with the writing thing. Bonnie really seems to think it’s good. Then maybe I could come to….”
“Is that what you want?” He interrupted her. “I don’t mean the writing. I mean Ireland. And I guess the writing, too. But you love teaching. Is that what you want?”
“Yes, no, maybe,” she laughed into his chest, more from the delirium of too many decisions to make than humor. “I don’t know. But I know I want to be with you. And if that’s the only way….”
“But you love it here,” he insisted for her.
“Yes,” she admitted. “And I’m scared to leave. But I was scared to go in the first place. I was scared to try and be a writer. I was scared to fall in love. And I’m scared to death of losing you. But I can’t spend my whole life being scared of everything.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he said softly into her hair. “We’ll figure it out.”
She decided to let herself believe him.
“But for right now,” he asked, “can we please go back to the inn?”
“Oh, God, yes!”
Knowing they looked ridiculous, but for once in her life truly not caring, they ran back to the inn, giggling and shushing each other as they hurried through the hall. She had thought about getting a bottle of champagne ordered to their room but could see it wasn’t necessary. There wouldn’t be time for it.
The minute the door was shut, they were peeling each other’s clothes off as they stumbled towards the bed. She wanted, no needed, to feel his body pressed against hers and to feel the reassurance and safety there.
