“I lost my virginity to him.” Penny led with the worst of it. Tired of beating around the bush, she forced herself to say out loud the thoughts she’d screamed in her head a million times.
She watched as Bonnie’s mouth moved to form words that didn’t come out, her face contorting from one expression to another, deciding she better continue before her friend had a minor stroke.
“He asked me out, if you could even call it that, a few times. Well, first, he just pulled me aside at parties. But later… always someplace private, secluded. I thought it was because he wanted to be alone with me. I didn’t get that he didn’t want to be seen with me. I thought he liked me. I let him….” Penny shook her head, her arms moving to circle her stomach protectively, as if feeling his touch all over again. “He let me know how ‘unfit’ I was immediately after,” she said, spitting out the word. “How beneath him. How ugly, how fat.” She paused on that word, lost in her own thoughts for a moment. Then, she finished, “He told me I wasn’t someone he could take to parties or to hang out with friends. I was too embarrassing.”
“That asshole!” Bonnie exploded, unable to keep it in any longer. “That arrogant prick! That—I’ll have Felix….” Bonnie stopped midsentence, her hand flying to her mouth, her eyes roaming the room wildly. Penny could see her working hard to push past her own emotions.
“Penny, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. That you didn’t think you could tell me. But seriously, for you to think that I, as your best friend, didn’t think you were good enough for him. Or that you’re not good enough for Finn. That’s messed up.”
It was only when Penny had these words thrown in her face that she realized the truth in them. It was her own self-loathing that had let her believe these things, not Bonnie’s behavior.
“I love you, Penny. I….”
“I’m sorry,” Penny’s voice came out strangled as she crawled forward, closing the distance between them again, hugging her close. “I’m sorry, Bonnie. I’m so sorry.”
“You should be,” Bonnie said through her own tears, her hand gently stroking Penny’s hair.
“Stupid boys,” Penny said, choking on a sob.
“Very stupid,” Bonnie agreed, tensing as she said it.
Eventually, Bonnie pulled back, gently extricating herself from Penny’s embrace. “Sooo… keeping that in mind, and how much you love me, I have to tell you something.”
“What?” Penny asked, returning to a cross-legged position while wiping her eyes.
Grimacing, Bonnie looked away uncomfortably. “I may have had something to do with Finn’s behavior towards you.”
“What… what do you mean?”
“Why it seemed like he liked you and then didn’t….”
“Bonnie, what did you do?” Penny asked in a slow, deliberate voice.
“I, well, I kinda let him think I was keeping you two apart because you asked me to.” Bonnie shrank in on herself as she spoke.
“Kind of? Or that’s exactly what you said?”
Bonnie didn’t have to say anything. The look on her face said it all.
“Bonnie!” The shock of this hit Penny like a slap.
“I’m sorry, but it gets worse before it gets better,” Bonnie cringed as she continued, “becausecaus then, when you were out the other day, well, I was still mad at you. So I….”
“Spit it out.” Penny braced herself, feeling numb, unsure which emotion was going to rise to the top.
“I read your journal.”
“You what?!?!” So far, anger was winning. Her jaw clenched, and her hands balled into fists.
Bonnie held out her hands appeasingly, trying to finish before Penny lost it. “I mean, you told me you were writing a story. If I’d thought it was anything more than that, I wouldn’t have read it. I promise. But what you wrote, God, you need to know it was good. I mean, really good. I mean, I edit books, and I know, and it was good. But besides that,” Bonnie shook her head to get herself back on track, “it made me realize how much you like him. I didn’t think you could feel that way so fast. I didn’t think that was possible. I didn’t believe it until we went to the bar last night. I thought maybe it really was just good writing and a story. Maybe Seamus would distract you. But the way you watched him. It was obvious how upset you were when he was talking to the other girls. I wasn’t surprised when he told me you left. I mean, I was surprised you left without me… but… he also left out the whole Seamus part,” she finished lamely.
“How dare you!” Penny had never shouted at anyone before. She didn’t even know she was capable of it. The look on Bonnie’s face indicated she didn’t, either. But there was a first time for everything. “I get that you are upset right now. I understand that what you’re going through is heartbreaking. And I’m sorry you have to go through this.” Her anger punctuated her words. “But to think that you get to treat people like your little puppets, like an experiment to see what happens. That’s not fair. I do like Finn. I’ve never liked someone the way I like him. It’s never felt like this with anyone besides him. And it wasn’t up to you to decide if that was okay or not, to manipulate it the way you wanted it. Now he probably wants nothing to do with me after the stupid way I behaved last night.”
From the doorway came the sound of an overly loud cough. Both heads swiveled hard to find Finn filling up the door frame, arms crossed against his chest.
Having reached her limit on a range of emotions within an hour of being awake, Penny collapsed in on herself, covering her face in embarrassment. If she hadn’t been so very aware of the other presences around her, she might have started rocking like a child. It took everything in her not to break down and cry like one.
The room remained ominously quiet for too long. Penny couldn’t help thinking he must have left. He’d had enough and turned around, and she would probably never see him again.
