As we approach my dorm, I feel Adam's hand tighten slightly around mine.My stomach churns with a mix of anticipation and dread.This is it, the moment where I'm supposed to make a move, to prove to myself that I can feel something for someone other than Caleb.
We pause outside the entrance, and Adam turns to face me.His eyes, warm and eager, search mine."I had a really great time tonight, Cole," he says softly.
I nod, trying to muster up some enthusiasm."Yeah, me too.Thanks for...everything."Adam leans in slowly, giving me plenty of time to pull away.But I don't.I stand there, frozen, as his lips meet mine.
The kiss is...fine.Not unpleasant, but not earth-shattering either.There's no spark, no flutter in my chest.
A drive to try forces me to open to his kiss.Our tongues dance and I pull away breathless.“Um, did you want to come up for a beer before you head home?”I ask.I have to make this work so even though this feels all wrong when Adam nods, I bring him up to my dorm.
As we enter my dorm room, a wave of anxiety washes over me.This feels wrong, but I push the feeling aside.I'm doing what I'm supposed to do - moving on, being normal.
Adam sits on my bed while I grab two beers from the mini-fridge.My hands shake slightly as I pop the caps off.When I turn back, Adam is looking at me with a mixture of desire and uncertainty.
"You okay?"He asks as I hand him a beer."You seem a little...tense."
I force a smile."Yeah, just...it's been a while since I've done this."Adam nods understandingly.
"We can take it slow," he says, patting the spot next to him on the bed.
I sit down, taking a long swig of beer to calm my nerves.Adam's hand finds my thigh, and I try not to flinch at his touch.I take another long drink, willing myself to relax.Adam leans in and kisses me again, more insistently this time.His hand slides up my thigh as he deepens the kiss.
I close my eyes, trying to lose myself in the sensation.But all I can think about is Caleb, the softness of his lips, the tenderness in his touch.The way his essence completely consumed me.
Adam's fingers fumble with the buttons of my shirt."Is this okay?"He murmurs against my neck.I nod mutely, even as my body tenses.His hand slips inside my shirt, caressing my chest.It feels alien, wrong.Not like Caleb's reverent touches that set my skin on fire.
"Wait," I gasp, pulling away abruptly."I'm sorry, I can't do this.”Adam pulls back, confusion and concern etched on his face.
"Did I do something wrong?"He asks, his hand hovering uncertainty in the air between us.
I shake my head, feeling a lump form in my throat."No, i-it's not you.It's me.I'm sorry, I thought I was ready for this, but I'm not."The words come out in a rush, and I can feel hot tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.
Adam's expression softens.He scoots back, giving me space."Hey, it's okay.We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."
His kindness only makes me feel worse.I stand up abruptly, needing to put some distance between us."I'm really sorry," I say again, running a hand through my hair."You're a great guy, Adam.But I'm...I'm in love with someone else.I thought I could move on, but I…” I trail off.“It's not fair to you."I finally whisper after a long pause.
Adam's face falls, but he nods slowly."I appreciate your honesty," he says quietly."Is it...is it someone back home?"I nod, unable to meet his eyes.
"Yeah.It's complicated."
Adam stands up, grabbing his jacket."I get it.Thanks for being upfront with me.I hope things work out for you, Cole."
As the door closes behind him, I collapse onto my bed, letting the tears fall freely now.What am I doing?Months away hasn't changed anything.I'm still hopelessly and desperately in love with Caleb.
I grab my laptop, and pull up the website for St.Mary’s.I hover over the listed sermons, my finger trembling as it hovers over the mousepad.Before I can talk myself out of it, I click on the most recent one.Caleb's rich, warm voice fills my small dorm room, and I close my eyes, letting it wash over me.
"Today, we're going to talk about forgiveness," he begins, and my heart clenches."Not just forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves.It's often the hardest thing to do, isn't it?To look at our own mistakes, our own failings, and find a way to move past them."
I curl up on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest as I listen.It's like he's speaking directly to me, his words piercing through the walls I've tried to build around my heart.
"We're all human," Caleb continues, his voice filled with empathy and understanding."We all make mistakes, we all hurt people we care about.But holding onto that guilt, that shame, it doesn't serve anyone.Not you, and not the person you've wronged."His words hit me like a physical blow.
He’s right and with a fortifying breath I make up my mind.It's time to stop running…
Fifty-One
Caleb
T
