Maybe I haven’t been on the planet for a long time, but I know enough to say it’s fucking hard out there in the world. And I always have to hide.
I try to make everyone around me happy so they don’t feel as shitty as I do most days. It can be fucking exhausting at times, keeping up with the act. The last thing I would ever want to be is a heartless asshole like other people in my life, or to think I’d caused another human being pain.
“Don’t speak to me like that, you little shit! I’ll report you missing, Jay. Don’t think I won’t do it.” As predicted, Mom’s good mood didn’t last the rest of the conversation. It never does.
“I don’t care. Report me. I’ll inform the police and the authorities about you leaving your minor at home while you work at The Pyramid After Dark on weekends. I’m sure they’d be interested to know about you bringing strange men home so you can strip for them, not to mention the other shit you do for free!”
“How dare you!” she seethed. “You know how hard it is trying to make ends meet!”
“Yeah, especially when you spend it all on cigarettes and booze.”
I was being a wiseass, but it wasn’t too far from the truth.
“I’m going to ring your neck when….”
I hung up before I could hear anything else out of her mouth. She has a whiplash tongue when she wants to use it.
My feet shuffle closer to the edge, feeling the crunch of the ground beneath me, but I keep watching the waves to take mymind off the recollection of our conversation. It’s a long way down.
I’ve so much I want to do with my life… but sometimes, it all seems so complicated.
I know I’m not going to, but I could just dive off the cliff right now and I’d be free of the burden and be able to escape.
I’d never have to worry about where I’d sleep, or what my mom was going to say about my life choices, my grades, or if I really was going to make it one day in the NHL.
The part of my brain still being rational tells me it’s just the booze talking… I don’t really want to do anything rash. But still… the thought is there.
Never having to please anyone again sure feels pretty freeing. Sure, my friends would miss me, but they’d get over it in time. It could all be so easy. Another pull of the rancid liquid infiltrates my body and senses, making me wince. It doesn’t even taste good.
I close my eyes and I reach my arms out wide, knowing I’m too damned close to the edge. But what’s life without a little risk, right? I tip my face up to the rumbling clouds above me and let the pelting rain hammer down on my face.
It feels good. I want more. It’s all I’ve ever wanted – to just feel good.
One more step and I could be free of it all…
“JAY!” A loud voice and a dog barking behind me knocks me out of my reverie as I drop the bottle and jolt forwards, nearly tipping over the edge from being caught off guard. Freedom could be a lot closer than I originally thought…
My eyes fly open as I flail my arms around, trying to keep my balance. At the same time, I watch the bottle tumble down to the rocks and smash into smithereens, glass bouncing off the cliff face way below me and dropping down into the sea.
Faster than I can blink, I feel a solid grip on my shoulder as I spin around, wobbly at best, nearly losing my balance again. But the large hand pulls me into a strong, burly chest, literally dragging me away from the edge.
I’m still aware of a dog barking beside me as I look down. Through my blurry vision it looks like Tanner’s dog, Robbie… he’s a brown and white Cocker Spaniel and is smarter than most people. I glance up and finally see the face of Billy Jones, Tanner’s dad.
“I wasn’t going to jump!” I blurt, holding my palms up in protest, feeling foolish he’s caught me like this. I also realize I’m slurring my words like a fucking fool.
No one has ever seen me this way. I don’t show the depths of my feelings or emotions to anyone. They’re dirty words as far as I’m concerned and I’ve learned to hide them well.
He keeps a tight grip on me as he pulls me even farther away from the cliff’s edge. One hand grips the opening of my jacket, and the other isn’t letting go of my shoulder. Billy, Robbie and I are all completely drenched as the heavens open up even more in a full, torrential downpour.
What are they doing out here? Despite the trail along the cliff, which is usually a busy activity and dog walking area, no one else dares to be out in this storm, or is stupid enough. So why are they?
“We’ll talk in the car,” he shouts over the rain. He’s a solid kind of guy, tall, broad shoulders and hands strong enough to keep me bound, so there’s no point protesting. And even though I’ve known Billy a while now, I marvel that even in my haze I can see both Tanner and his little sister, Jade, present in his features. It’s all in the face; they all have the same bright blue eyes that change color depending on the mood. Only today Billy’s eyes don’t resemble that bright hue that I’m used to seeing, hisirises are like the dark, dangerous ocean lurking below. I see something flicker in them that I’ve never seen before; worry.
I look beyond that as Jade’s pretty face flitters across my thoughts. Maybe it’s the alcohol, I’m not sure. But her eyes are the prettiest in school, they’re always full of mystery and intrigue. Intense, but kind at the same time.
“Let’s get you home, Son.”
I’m catapulted back to reality by Billy’s voice which I know is close to me, but feels so far away at the same time.
